[intro]
[Acoustic guitar plays a hillbilly theme and you see the logo for COCKBITE STUDIOS. Obvious jab at Red vs Blue and Rooster Teeth's intro]
SATAN (Demon's Crest): This is Satan-
Vaan (Final Fantasy 12) Wheeeee!
*Vaan's severed head hits Satan*
RAU (The mark of Kri, Rise of the Kasai): Shut up bitch! This is Rau.
Dante (Devil May Cry): How goes it with the Olson Twins?
RAU: Still annoying. how goes your sex change operation?
DANTE: Funny one... backed out at the last minute. I'm kinda attached to my man-meat. Sorry to bail out on you, I know we had a pact to do this together, but on the bright side, now we can both be men.
RAU: wait, you're a man? I thought you like to play pretty cowboy dress up?
DANTE: Only when I play Custer's Last Stand with Trish, Lady, and your fine-ass sister. Speaking of massacres, what'd you do to your two new friends, Vaan and Tidus?
RAU: I'm playing fetch with Cerberus, the three headed dog of hell. The only real difference is that Vaan and Tidus are the balls, and I just let the dog eat them, so it's a game that can only be played about every 10 hours or so until I get the ‘balls' back. So, how goes the hunting?
Dante say: I'll give you 5 guesses where I am!
RAU: In Cloud? (Final Fantasy 7)
DANTE: no
RAU: In Squall? (Final Fantasy 8)
DANTE: no
RAU: I got it! You're in Link! (The Legend of Zelda)
DANTE: You know what, screw the wisecracks, i'm just gonna tell you... I'm in SPACE!
RAU: He sounds gay
DANTE: No, asshat, I'm in outer space! Like stars and moons and shit.
RAU: what, did you ride a pink rocket from Final Fantasy land into your black hole?
DANTE: no really, there are actually Men there that acted like REAL men. There were a few guys like a samurai guy with sunglasses, and a guy who looked like Mr T with a machine gun on his arm. Then there was this chain-smoking hardass named Cid and I was able to take a ride on his rocket.
RAU: ... You're not helping your case. . .
DANTE: shut the f**k up and listen. Cid was a legit badass, so I figured that he would know where to find other hard-core, kick ass dudes who could be strong enough to kill you (not counting myself). The chain-smoking fucker wouldn't shut up about real men going out into space, so then I wondered If I was a hard-core space dude, and I was wearing armor, where would I be?
RAU: Buying a can-opener and Astro Glide.
DANTE: Dude, seriously, Im going to find more of the pirate twins if you don't shut the f**k up and listen: I was shooting for the interstellar mining ship named the USG Ishimura (Dead Space reference), but Cid spilled his beer on the control panel and my ass was shot into a box canyon... So I figured screw the trying to find hard-core space dudes in armor idea and thought maybe I'd just get lucky here instead.
RAU: get lucky, or be lazy? Your sword-happy, lazy work got me tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber last time.
DANTE: Hey, I'm not lazy, I'm ‘adaptive'. Think of it this way: you scored two fashionable yet gender-neutral chewtoys for your Hell Hound, right? Build a coliseum and charge ticket admissions and you'll such an evil and rich fight promoter that you'll be getting blowjobs from Don King.
RAU: ...hmmm.. Tempting...... But that doesn't help my situation of ME still being DEAD. So quit conniving and do your job.
DANTE: [under his breath] Hrmmm next time I go to hell I'm going to cut you from neck to nuts...
RAU: What was that?
DANTE: Hold up, I found something...
RAU: Wow...what a coincidence...
DANTE: what the hell?
RAU: What is it?
DANTE: You're not going to believe this. There's a bunch of blue and red guys shooting each other in a turf-war for a quarter-square mile of worthless land.
RAU: does that mean what I think it means?
DANTE: Yeah, that fucker Cid sent me to Los Angeles.... Ah, nah nah nah nah... these guys are packing major heat and they're wearing... space armor? Hey hey! That senile old airship pilot did an okay job. I mean, this isn't as hardcore as the Ishimura being overrun with viral zombie aliens, or a Mars Marine outpost full of demons (DOOM), but I can adapt.
RAU: Sit tight and wait for the two gangs to kill themselves off, and then attack whoever is left over.
DANTE: I don't think that's gonna work...
RAU: Why not? It works in South America.
DANTE: Because none of these guys are actually DIEING. They get shot, fall down, disappear, and then they magically respawn back out on the battlefield without a Yellow Orb or anything... All except for one guy in ... green? Holy Ghost of the Dark Knight Sparda, this guy is killing off BOTH SIDES!! He's painting the canyon walls red and blue!! I don't believe it, he killed both sides without a scratch!! Bullets went through him like water and he kept shooting at them, even through walls like he had x-ray vision!!
... oh god... what the fuck is he doing?!?!!?!?! He's humping their faces!!!!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!
RAU: put me on speaker phone.
[beep]
HEY ASSHOLE, FRESH FACE UP HERE!!
DANTE: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
RAU: I'm moving the story along. Now, it's either you or him, and either way, my three-headed poochie gets another chew-toy {squeezes chewtoy: squeeky squeaky}
DANTE: ?!- ... SHIT HE SAW ME!!!
*sound of ricochet bullet off of a rock*
DANTE: Hey, watch it! Do you know how much an S&M leather shop charges for one of these jackets??!!
MASTER CHIEF: (Halo) TXT MSSG: F34R TEH R33PER B1@TC|-|!!
DANTE: ... A text message??
RAU: What the fuck does this even say??
DANTE: You're seeing it too?
RAU: I'm seeing something on my phone, but I can't read it. It looks like someone was jerking off on their keypad.
DANTE: Fear the reaper? HEY CHROME DOME, DID YOU WRITE THIS??
MASTER CHIEF: Kekekeke!!1! HAX!!
RAU: What does that say?
DANTE: He hacked our phones.
MASTER CHIEF: B00b1e5!!!
RAU: What's that??
DANTE: Something you'll never have a use for.
MASTER CHIEF: LOLZ!! N0W U D!E
RAU: Dante, you'd better open up a can of man, or you'll take his man up your can.
DANTE: Sonnyboy, you have no clue who you're fucking with now:
EAT LEAD DEATH FUCKER!!! BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!
BANG BANG ... bang bang? bang.... bang bang??? HEY MY BULLETS AREN'T HITTING HIM?!!
RAU: You actually have to aim before you let loose, you pre-mature shooter
DANTE: For a guy who only knows how to shove a pointy stick into your enemies, you talk like you know how to aim and shoot someone between the eyes...
RAU: I got a lot of oral instruction with your friend Lady.
DANTE: haha! Nice one!... [BANG] FUCK, IT WENT THROUGH HIM!!!
TXT MSSG: HAX0RZ G0D M0D3!! *cocks gun*
DANTE: Ah hell..... *RUNS*
*MACHINE GUN FIRE IN BACKGROUND*
If I wasn't running my ass off I'd tell you to go f-
*BULLET WHIZZES BY HEAD*
Whoa! FUCK ME!!!!
RAU: You want me to WHAT??
DANTE: I want you to shut your cock-hole and help me out!
RAU: Kinda hard to do anything from down here. You know, being in Hell and all...
DANTE: If I could only get my hands on a Devil Arm that could take a way his God Mode...
RAU: You need a Devil Arm? Why didn't you say so earlier? New Emperor of Hell you're talking to here.
DANTE: Shit, I need something that can counter-act Master Hack. You got any geeks down there that you can toss my way??
RAU: ... I got just the right man for the job....
[Fire, lightning all kinds of effects]
[Poof!]
ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD (AVGN): What the fuck??? (use actual sound clips from his show)
DANTE: Hey dude, I'm a big fan.
ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD: What are you, retarded?
*SHUNK!! [runs him through or lops his head off] *
[power is absorbed by Dante. Dante is now holding a giant Thor hammer]
+2 BAN-HAMMER, BABY!!!
[Pounds Master Chief]
MASTER CHIEF: AAAAhhhhhhhhh!!!! (Squeeker voice) I can't move! Fuck your fucking face of faggot!!
RAU: HOLD IT! TIME OUT!!! [ pause ] DID YOU HEAR HIS VOICE?!?! HE'S NO FUTURISTIC BADASS, HE'S A SQUEAKER!!!
DANTE: Your point?
MASTER CHIEF: Suck my mom's sweaty balls!!
RAU: The little fowlmouth bitch's balls haven't even dropped yet! There is no way that a 4-foot-nothing, pre-pubescent, nerdy little anonymous PRICK could have killed ME!! You got the wrong guy, AGAIN!! YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE, DANTE!!
MASTER CHIEF: Your mom is impossible.
RAU: Kill this little runt and get back to work looking for my killer!
DANTE: That's a fucking load of bullfuck you analmonkey!! I'd rather drink shit from a rat regurgitated from a stray dog, you porcupine porker.
RAU: ...What the fuck are you talking about?? You're starting to sound like the squeaker.
DANTE: Sorry man... this Nerd Devil Arm is fucking with my head... and my hands feel all clammy. [phone rings] Hold on a second...
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (TGWTG): MY WEB TRAFFIC IS DOWN I NEED YOU TO DO A CAMEO!!!!
DANTE: Fuck off, mooch!!! [hangs up] What do you want me to do with the squeaker??
RAU: Well, if he likes to squeak, I have a three headed hell hound that is running out of chew toys...
MASTER CHIEF: You can chew my three-inch cock!
RAU: Dante, will you do the honors of killing this little fucker?
DANTE: Gladly...
MASTER CHIEF: You can do the honors of sucking my-
{pounds MC to death} [Dante powers down] Man, I smell like a musky basement and post-it notes... I need to take a shower....So, if I'm not at the right location where do I need to be to find your killer. F**k it, Ill just ask your sister.
RAU: Like she knows
DANTE: well, I can drill it out of her. She'll do (imitates getting passionate) all . . . .kinds . . . .of.. .. . talk. . . .ing.
RAU: put your devil arm down. You will end up going blind.
DANTE: So when are you going to give Cerberus his new chewtoy?
RAU: Cerberus actually got tired of mutilating Vaan and Tidus faster than I did, but I figured out a way to shut the squeaker up and keep those first two fuckups busy...
You hear Vaan in the background I'm a teabag pirate!!
Tidus (Final Fantasy X): HA. HA. HA. HA!!
M.C. aaaaAAAAAAhhhhh- MMMFFFF!!!!!! AAAAAHHH!! MFFFFF!!!!
VAAN: No! It's ARRRR!
RAU: So how are you going to get out of that box canyon?
DANTE: well I could probably use this guys comm gear to call Cid to come pick me up after he is over his hangover. The only other alternative is a shit pipe big enough to squeeze through
RAU: hey, are the other teams respawned yet?
DANTE: yeah. Why?
RAU: Your speakerphone is still on, right?
DANTE: You pig fucker-
RAU: I AM THE HACKER COME KILL ME.
*Nothing happens*
RAU: Why don't I hear any shooting or dying...
DANTE: Yeah, they don't look that concerned about hackers...
RAU: It's a good thing those teenage losers and frat boys see you kill the Angry Video Game Nerd.
*Hailstorm of gunfire*
RAU: No time for Cid so you're going to be bobbing for turds in the sewers. I told you I would get you back for sending me Vaan and Tidus.
DANTE: When I get out of here I'm going to get you back so bad that you'll think that Vaan and Tidus were foreplay... *Takes deep break* slosh slosh slosh *hangs up*
-End-
