Never let it be said that I’m a close-minded and impatient film critic. (I mean, hell, if I were I wouldn’t be constantly staining my hands with all the copious amounts of The Asylum’s bullshit every couple of weeks, now would I?) Nevertheless, if there’s one film genre I’ve never really gotten into and have little to none patience for - it’s definitely racing films.
Oh, mind you, I’ll admit that films like "Fast Five" and "Faster" are quite the find if you’re planning to have some sort of a cheesy B-movie all-nighter with lots of ale and wenches, but seeing how I’m one of those highbrow elitist film snobs who constantly brag about the importance of depth and complexity in their films, you can easily understand why I’d much rather shitface myself retarded and jump down a flight of stairs than waste my precious time on some pretentious generic dross that’s only one step above the works of the Asylum in terms of sophistication and intellectuality.
Speaking about those dishonest frauds, the mockbuster I’m reviewing today is also a racing film itself; meaning that if, like me, you think that the entire genre is basically just a bunch of over the top disjointed chase scenes loosely meshed together by an almost entirely transparent plot about a bunch of ignorant complacent cocksuckers who are obviously trying to overcompensate for something with their cars - trust me, you’re in for quite a ride! No put intended...
Supposedly based on real events, "Street Racer" tells the tragic story of Johnny Wayne - a once aspiring and prodigious street racer who one day decided to give up his imbecilic hobby in favor of going back to med school to realize his dream of becoming a world-class doctor and saving thousands of innocent lives! Not really, of course, ‘cos that would mean that the filmmakers had actually come up with their own unique story instead of blatantly copying "Fast & Furious", and we all know that if there’s one thing the Asylum is more afraid off than good publicity - it’s originality.
No, in reality, Johnny continues to break the rules and run over innocent pedestrians, until one day the reckless dullard gets into a car accident and ends up being sent to the joint. Several years and a couple of unfortunate soap drops in the prison shower later, Johnny is set free as a newly reformed, law-abiding citizen and vows never to street race in his life again - a promise he successfully manages to keep up for something like five minutes at best, ‘cos as soon as Johnny sets foot outside of prison, he instantly gets challenged by his ingrate former friends who accuse him of being a traitor for, you know, doing the most reasonable thing by giving up on the ill-fated lifestyle that got him into so much trouble in the first place; as well as getting blackmailed by this corrupted cop who threatens to send poor Johnny back to prison if the latter doesn’t start winning him a crapload of money with his street racing skills.
Thus, with no other choice but to comply, our unfortunate hero must once again enter the dangerous world of street racing, but not before learning about the value of human life by helping the kid he originally crippled in that horrible accident five years ago to get back on his feet and realize his dream of becoming a famous kart racer (ok, what is this: an 80s sports movie or something, now?), as well as teaming up with this old street racing guru called Red, who not only agrees to help Johnny prepare for the race, but also devises an ingenious plan to expose the dishonest cop (oh, come on! I mean, how more blatant can fucking you get?).
So, as you can see for yourselves, "Street Racer" is pretty much your standard insipid "Fast & Furious" clone with a handful of "Karate Kid" allusions and a crapload of 80s Sports Movies references, with the only more or less redeeming factor being the film’s exciting high-speed chase scenes. Or at least they would’ve been, if the movie hadn’t been shot on the lunch money the Asylum shamelessly stole from some unfortunate eight year old.
The DVD cover features what looks like a Ford Mustang and a Nissan GT-R racing down the highway at inconceivable speeds, and I hope you like being disappointed, ‘cos the best you’re going to see in this execrable travesty is a couple of old, rusty Mazdas and maybe one or two Subarus that the producers must’ve gotten cheap from "Big Tony’s Used Cars Mega Garage Sale" or something. Furthermore, it seems like the vehicles weren't the only area in which the creators of "Street Racer" were clearly phoning it in, ‘cos from the looks of it, I’d say they were also cutting massive corners in the stunts department as well.
I literally lost count of how many times I’ve seen a car being wrecked before its even hit, or, conversely, cars which had been previously wrecked or even entirely obliterated on screen being later reused in all sort of different places and stunts. Wanna know how I figured out it was the same car? Those lazy fuckers didn’t even bother changing the number plates!
The acting is just execrable! I realize that it’s pretty much a given that every single character in a street racing film should act like a total inane fucknut (‘cos otherwise they wouldn’t be throwing away their life so recklessly, now would they?), but I’m afraid that in this case the actors of "Street Racer" might’ve gone a little too far. Take for instance Johnny’s former best friend now turned rival, Mickey. Judging by the way he breathlessly gushes about speed and how the road is "the only place where he can truly feel himself alive", you’d think that the only way this demented lunatic can get it up is by running over some innocent old lady at a 130 miles per hour, all while being vigorously sucked off by his slutty girlfriend.
Speaking of which, that flippant broad herself is as desperate and flighty as an undersexed housewife during her period, since she’s not once hinted to Johnny that she’s ready to take it up exhaust pipe pretty much from anyone who can quote-unquote "get her motor running". Thought I suspect she was insinuating something other than simple restoration works...
Also, I like how the blurb on the cover promises fast-paced, pulse-pounding chase scenes when, in reality, I doubt any of the presented in the film cars even made it up to ninety at any point; partly ‘cos the creators were afraid of accidentally sending their actors back to 1955, but mostly ‘cos I’m not entirely sure whether they even had a legal permission from the state of California to shoot their film, so if, say, any police officers were passing by at the time and saw them breaking the set speed limit - needless to say, I doubt they would’ve been very amused.
Bottom line is, "Street Racer" is not the type of film for you if you don’t like generic, uninspired racing flicks. Then again, I’m not sure whether it’s the kind of film for you even if you do, ‘cos while it certainly features a sufficient amount of elements that will no doubt frighten any non-racing fans, at the same time, it also lacks all the necessary ingredients to entice its target audience.
Yes, it seems like the folks at the Asylum have once again proven to everyone that not only are they unable to release their own solid, enjoyable films, but that they also can’t qualitatively copy already existing ones for shit. My only consolation is that at least both the critical and commercial failure of "Street Racer" has once and for all deterred those dishonest hoodlums from making any more half-assed "Fast & Furious" knock-offs... Oh, you mother..!
