So I've been sitting in front of an empty Microsoft Word window for more than half an hour now, and yet I still can't seem to find the right words to describe the exasperatingly insufferable humongous pile of enraging reeking stagnated shit that is Universal Soldiers! Hm, well, ok, I suppose I can find a couple of bright and resounding words to describe how truly abominable and revolting this movie is, it's just that I don't even know where to begin!
You see, Universal Soldiers is one of those mockbusters that daze me, and I'm not just saying that 'cos the overall quality is so intolerable and wretched that you can easily utilize this film as new form of torture in Guantanamo Bay, but because this movie has absolutely no fucking right to exist!
Here's what I mean: For those of you who don't know, one of the main reasons the folks at Asylum make these crappy little knock-offs of theirs in the first place is to unabashedly capitalize on the release of some major Hollywood blockbuster and receive lots of dough, renown and booty. So, seeing how the original Universal Soldier film was released way back in 1992, I can't help but feel that this cheap pathetic little knock-off is a little late for the party. You know, for fifteen fucking years!
The plot of the movie is basically a half-assed compilation of all the major plot elements from various popular sci-fi movies from the 80s and 90s, with zero trace of originality or any actual effort. There's the botched super-soldier program plot ripped straight from the original Van Damme film; there's the iconic killer's point of view style of narrative unabashedly copied from Predator; and, just like in Aliens, there's an elite squad of professional soldiers, all of various race and gender, dispatched to the base to fix the situation, only to get slowly but painfully killed off one by one through out the course of the film, and who deserve special recognition because of how annoying and unlikable they are!
Remember how in my Transmorphers review I described the entire cast as a bunch of incompetent emotionally oblivious testosterone-filled bullies who range somewhere between a stone brick and Hitler on the scale of likeability? Well, that's basically these guys only more retarded and communicating entirely in pop-culture references! Actually, come to think of it, we only have the movie's word these guys are professionals, 'cos for all we know they might just be a bunch of pop-culture obsessed cosplayers who went into the woods to play paintball, but accidentally ended up embroiled into all this mess... But now I'm just pulling this shit out of my ass, so let's get back on topic, shall we?
One of my major problems with this film is how unfathomably inconsistent it is. Take for instance the aforementioned marines: At the start of the film they're all watching each other's backs, keeping track of their ammo and trying to find the safest route to the exist, which kind of gives you the impression that these people really know what they're doing, and that the entire mission is going to be a success, and yet, fifteen minutes later, they're mindlessly running around the base like a bunch of morns and spraying bullets everywhere if a bird so much as farts in their face, like some kind off a psychotic deranged John Rambo!
Or how about the so-called Universal Soldiers themselves? The very first scene of this movie depicts an assembly of a steel robotic endoskeleton, leading you into believing that they're basically just a bunch of Cylon/Terminator rip-offs. Nevertheless, thirty minutes later, we learn through some shitty exposition that the robots are actually reanimated corpses of fallen soldiers, kind off like in original 1992 film. So you're thinking that maybe they're more like Robocop, in that they're 99% mechanical, but you still need a human brain for them to function or something.
And then, when you think that you've finally figured it all out, the movie just throws its hands into the air and shouts: "Fuck it! Let's just throw in a giant 50 feet tall armored robot and be done with it!" WHAT THE FUCK?
I mean, mind you, it was quite an impressive way to end a movie, so kudos to the Asylum and all that; but that doesn't change the fact that this scene just raises the question of why the bloody hell did the scientist even bother with the small units when they could've just easily started their own giant Mecha production line!
My other major complaint comes from the fact of how phenomenally cheap and laughable this movie is. Yes, I of all people am fully aware that berating an Asylum film for having low-production values is as futile and redundant as lambasting a prostitute for selling-out, but, nevertheless, please hear me out!
You see, at first I though that the creators didn't want to show us the actual Universal Soldiers 'cos they basically wanted to just shamelessly copy that thing Predator did by keeping the true identity of the killer (or killers, in this case) in secret right up until the very end to build up the tension and suspense, but then I realized they were just trying to conceal their own shame! I mean, just look at how inconceivably cheap and disgraceful this costume is! Unrelenting and ferocious death-machine my ass – I've seen more intimidating monster-design on episodes of Power Rangers!
Finally, the acting could've used some drastic improvement, 'cos while I'm pretty sure that given the fact that the dialogue sounds as atrocious and dreadful as if it was written by a retarded chimpanzee with tourettes syndrome, the actors just had no other choice but to act as over the top and annoying as possible; but since such arguably bad actors like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone have proven to us that you can be both corny and badass, as opposed to pretentious and forced, I'm not letting those motherfuckers of the hook that easily!
All in all, Universal Soldiers is a poorly written, poorly executed atrocious schlock, and you should avoid buying this movie no matter what. No, seriously, I can't even imagine why the Asylum would bother releasing such an abominable... *Cash Register Sound* Oh, of course...
