e3 2009 – Nintendo Conference – Impressions

Click Here to watch the conference so you can follow along:

Conference begins

Am I the only person in the world who HATES Cammy Dunaway? Goddamn, nothing says ‘Nintendo’ than and old broad blabbing on and on about Nintendo’s achievements and goals. Sweet bitter fuck I feel like I’m back in Junior High history class, being forced to listen to something I could care less about by a woman who is old enough that she probably witnessed it all first hand.

Mario on the Wii: “Miyamoto wanted to find a way to play Mario like never before.” So presenting Mario on the Wii (again), WITH 4 PLAYER! Fucking whoop. Super Mario Bros 1 with 4 players: Mario, Luigi, Toad and…. Toad. And of course Cammy-saurus Rex is faking fun on the game like a goddamned orgasm.

“Nintendo: Your mom will love it!”

“Players will be lining up to play Miyamoto’s latest masterpiece.”

‘Masterpiece?!’ It’s not a goddamn masterpiece when you REHASH an original. It would be like baking an award winning cake, then letting four people actually eat it. Fuck that.

Damn, this bitch can lie with a straight face… though I have yet to see any more emotion out of her than a sea sponge. She’s like the opposite of Hiliary Clinton’s Botox-enduced rigor-mortis smile.

Wii-Fit, same shit as last year and the year before, but now with a locker room…

Reggie: “Here to kick ass and … show charts!!” Rehash, rehash, rehash…

Reggie: “Whoa… Déjà vu? This shit all looks the same as last year.”

I feel it too, Reggie…

Wii-Motion Plus: ANOTHER ACCESSORY TO BUY!

Lots of images of people playing pretend sports, BUT NO FUCKING GAMES OF THE FUCKING THING IN ACTION!

… Spoke too soon.

The archery game looks pretty fun.

Bowser’s Internal Story?? An RPG where Mario and Luigi shrink down and are INGESTED by Bowser? They have to examine his ‘internal pipes’??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SMOKING?!

Woman’s Murder Club = HOLY SHIT A GAME FOR GIRLS THAT DOESN’T INVOVLVE TEH PINK HORSEZ!! ITS MURDER!

Style Savvy: “Expanded fashion in Japan.” I always thought that having ‘the fashion sense of a Japanese woman’ was a BAD THING.

DSi = “Ever try to squeeze water from a rock? Ever try to squeeze water from a Nintendo DS?” Christ, how many types of DSs do average people buy?? You only need one!!

Cammy: “People play games, but also CREATE and SHARE.” PLAY, CREATE, AND SHARE sounds familiar… where did I hear it… Oh yeah, LittleBigPlanet (PS3).

What the fuck is this thing anyways? This DSi animator, FlipNoteStudio, looked like a bad trip I had with weed.

WarioWare DIY: Everybody is jumping on the LittleBigPlanet bandwagon of user created content. Not a bad thing, mind you. The most original ideas come from JoeBlow users.

Does anybody else remember the GameBoy Camera? …No? Didn’t think so. Just asking. NOOOOO RELEVANCE TO THIS CONFERENCE WHAT SO EVER.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks = FUCK YES! ‘BOUT DAMNED TIME WE GOT MORE ZELDA. NOW BRING IT TO THE WII YOU FUCKHEADS! … HEY?! NO TRAILER?!

Satoru Iwata: He needs to have a giant ‘CENSORED’ block over his whole body for being a walking stereotype. I don’t know which one is funnier, him or Kim Jong Il from ‘Team America: World Police”. I want to see Satoru-san say, “Be vewy vewy quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.”

… Please stop talking…

*skipping ahead*

Wii Vitality Sensor: … So what the hell is this thing supposed to DO??? Does it pull your finger and make you fart? Is it used for ‘handicapped’ men to masturbate with? What does it DO?

Fuck, back to Cammy. I used to think that Cammy was a sexy name (Street Fighter). Now, not so much. I’m losing my sexual fixation on the name Cammy just like The Rocky Horror Picture Show killed my fetish for stockings and high heels.

At least they can’t fuck up Mario… much.

*sees Mario in a Bee-suit*

… Nevermind…

Reggie is recapping all the highpoints of the conference: Super Mario Galaxy 2, Zelda, … … … … Stuff already out… …

Reggie: “A new IP from Sega that you have heard before.” That’s like some Back to the Future logic, right?

The Conduit: meh, is presented too much like a Summer blockbuster movie with the flashing words and the background chorus.

Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicle = House of the Dead.

Deadspace Extraction = House of the Dead (in space)

“Could a new, edgier game be coming from Nintendo?” Looking at your history… no.

But wait!

METROID: Other M = HOLY CRAP! Ninja Gaiden (in space)!

Conference closes.

And the crowd wakes up.