So what did I do over my Christmas Holiday? Did I brave 300 miles of snow-capped passes in a Camaro? Did I open the front door of my family’s house and surprise my family with my unexpected arrival? Did I eat enough turkey to make me pass out at the dinner table? Did I get to force my family into a scavenger hunt of inane (or insane) riddles and force them to ‘find’ their gifts?
Nay. My holiday of holidays were spent with Gabe and Tycho of the enormously popular Penny Arcade comic strip, and with their help I:
Had my house crushed by a walking 500 foot tall fruit juicer, aptly named ‘The Fruit Fucker’ because of the way it ‘extracts’ the juice.
Killed at least 40 hobos with a lawn rake.
Battled a cult of mimes that worshipped an octopus-headed God.
Escaped from an asylum filled with enormous man-eating spiders.
Fought a rich and famous safari-hunter whose greatest trophy are the enormous testicles of a rhinoceros.
Killed more people, this time with a garden hoe.
Burned down the coolest apartment complex in history with a burning pie.
Was granted entry into an exclusive league of scientists and professors by battling my killer robot monkey against theirs.
No, seriously… Killing untold legions of hobos, mimes, clowns, the mentally ill, the wealthy, and orange-humping robots with lawn-and-garden tools was way better than hanging out with my extended family who never stop asking me “when are you getting married?” Sometimes I wish I could pack around a shovel or something…
Before someone takes my IP address to the nearest police station (or mental health institute) I need to clarify myself:
When I first saw this video introducing an obscure game called LittleBigPlanet, my brain imploded. I lost all cognitive thought as I stared at what appeared to be a video demonstrating a game that was literally a blank digital canvas where gamers could go crazy and create whatever their devious little minds could conjure. And not only that, but you could share your levels by posting them, free of charge, on the game’s servers so that your creation, your very own level, can be played by the masses.
Of course, after seeing the trailer, I was “lost in the moment” and too far gone to realize exactly what that would mean:
Tools for Creative Freedom + Audience + Being Anonymous =
It’s not exactly the Eiffel Tower…
Moving on.
LittleBigPlanet for the Playstation 3, like Seinfeld and this very site, has no premise. It’s pretty much about nothing. It’s a video game with no plot or story elements. You run, you jump, you grab on to physics-enabled objects and you collect tidbits like stickers, textures, and the object/machines that you encounter on your adventure to use in the levels you create.
And that’s what makes it so great!
LittleBigPlanet has taken video games back to their bare roots. I’m talking the simple run and jump mechanics of the first Super Mario Brothers game that most of us have enjoyed as kids. There’s no button combinations to do special moves, there’s no complex riddles or puzzles, there’s no CGI cutscenes to bore you to death, there’s no ‘amazing graphics’ to overshadow mediocre gameplay. Aside from the REALLY ‘Old School’ (ala Space Invaders and PacMan) LittleBigPlanet is gaming at its purest. And because of its simplicity, this is one of the few games that is easily approachable by anyone.
You are introduced to a character called Sackboy (or Sackgirl), which looks like a patchwork doll made from burlap. However, you can customize the look of your Sackboy with items like Pirate Hats, Dresses, Elk Horns, Devil Horns, Clown Makeup, Cat Eyes, Zebra Heads, different Materials (leather, tweed, cotton, etc) and the list goes on and on. Even cooler is that you can download new accessories and items from the Playstation Network (both for free and for a small fee). The ‘premium’ sackboy accessories are often outfits and items to make your Sackboy look like Ryu from Street Fighter, Santa Clause, Snake form Metal Gear Solid 4, and so on.
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
Alone in a crowd on a bus after work and I’m dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms, my arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you says she loves you?
It seem so unfair when there’s love everywhere but there’s none for me
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
Someone to take on a walk by the lake, Lord, let it be me
Someone who’s shy, someone who’ll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out she was fooling me
You’re just a dream and as real as it seems, I ain’t that lucky
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
All of my friends have a ring on their finger, they have someone
Someone to care for them, it ain’t fair, I got no one
The car overheated, I called up and pleaded, there’s help on the way
I called you collect, you didn’t accept, you had nothing to say
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
But if you were here with me
I’d feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just can’t let you say goodbye
I love making sadistic riddles, and you should enjoy solving them. However, most people need incentive…
Fifty dollars ($50) is hidden in/on/around a common object in a standard home. If you solve the riddle below, I WILL PAY-PAL YOU THE $50.
“Five companions walk the road,
In search of green, the story told.
The first from Dante’s second band,
Her crimson feet trekked the land.
The second came with the first on cue,
And walked beside her, two by two.
The third marched with little passion,
Worn and wary in rusted fashion.
The fourth, the king, traveled light,
And time again went mad with fright.
The fifth and last, simple and meek,
His missing eye is not what he seeks…”
Am I the only person alive who DID NOT think that this movie was ‘The Shit’?
Anyways, before people flood my email boxes with hatemail (which can be directed to the following email address: FuckYourMotherInHell@cheshirecatstudios.com), let me explain my position:
I LIKED the action sequences. High speed pursuits, explosions, and the jet battle towards the end almost made me orgasm.
BUT WHY COULDN’T THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE BE LIKE THAT?? WHY THE TEEN-DRAMA BULLSHIT?!
It was “Dawson’s Creek: The Movie – Guest Starring: The Transformers”
WHY THE FUCK IS THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AGREEING TO HIDE THE OBJECT THAT TWO GROUPS OF ULTRA-ARMED ROBOTS ARE WARRING OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF A POPULATED CITY?
If they make a sequel, just have robots blowing the shit out of eachother. Can you NOT fuck that up?
… Oh, and give Megan Fox a hard-core sex scene with that blonde English chick in a carrot patch. Prrrrrr!
Trust me, the title will make more sense after you read the following:
I drove 200 miles to go see my brother and his wife, and take care of a few family issues that none of you need be concerned with. Anyways…
As for me, I never smoked weed, and never really felt a need to. And now I know I will NEVER do it again.
They are passing it around and they ask if I want some.
“Sure. If I’m gonna try it eventually, it might as well be around these three.”
I take a hit from the pipe, and I’m waiting for something to happen.
Nothing.
I take another hit. Nothing.
I take a total of 5 hits and finally I start feeling ‘buzzed’, like when you are a little drunk.
I’m thinking, “Okay, this isn’t bad…”
Then it gets stronger, faster. “This is interesting.”
Then things stop making sense and I can’t move. “Okay, that’s enough… Let’s stop now… This isn’t stopping… I don’t like this… I’M GOING TO DIE!”
So I start panicing. I’m shaking uncontrollably and I can’t think. Everyone is freaking out because I got “too high”. I didn’t know you could get “too high”.
I’m looking around the room and everything is a slow-motion blur, and (i’m not kidding) I see writing on the walls, like math and code like in the Matrix.
They are all force-feeding my chocolate to help absorb the chemicals in my system. I’m completely paralyzed, i can’t move, so i’m eating a fudge bar like a baby.
Then I throw up. I’m the only person in history who has thrown up over marijuana. Funnier, the chocolate made a perfect square on the floor.
That snaps me out of the trance and I feel more… ‘alive’. I start joking about it, saying “It’s actually a cool pattern. You should frame it on your wall” and “I should design tiles…”
I start laughing about…. ….. abouuuuuuuuuut…. …. aaaaaa …. what was I talking about again???
It was like that. It hit me again, and I couldn’t move anymore. So i was sitting on the couch, but it felt like I was sitting in a dark room and there was 100 TVs infront of me, all showing different crap at once. I was getting mixed pictures. I saw ducks with rabbit ears, dancing radios, all kinds of stupid stuff.
So they take me into the bedroom and lay me on the bed and I’m just wasting away. It felt like I was drowning.
I realize that when i start talking about something, I focus my thoughts, and it doesn’t feel as bad. So I start talking about ANYTHING that comes to mind: favorite cars, favorite movies, cartoons from my childhood.
I am not kidding, I started singing the theme song for DuckTales:
“DuckTales, whoo-hoo!”
I wish I had a video camera so I could watch myself. haha.
Anyways, 3 hours later, I am finally walking around, taking a cold shower, and going to bed.
I’m never doing that again. I literally felt like I was dying. No joke.
If my kids ever do marijuana, I’ll be ANGRY. Like, ‘Wrath of God’ angry.
It’s been seven years since the events of Metal Gear Solid 2, and the world is run by a global war economy. Mercenaries are plentiful and technology is regulating soldiers’ actions, thoughts, emotions, abilities, and even their weapons through nanomachines in their bodies and a central system of AIs dubbed ‘The Patriots’ oversees all.
Meanwhile, time has not been too kind to the most battle-hardened, stoic super soldier that could actually pull off having the code name ‘Solid Snake’ without making his enemies laugh themselves to death. No, the super soldier, Snake, has aged rapidly. His long time friend and scientist-who-makes-monstrous-nuclear-missile-launching-machines-inspired-by-Japanese-anime, Hal ‘Otocon’ Emmerich, informs him that he is aging because, like all clones, his cells are rapidly deteriorating.
Anyways, as Snake walks bitterly away from the unknown tombstone and towards the helicopter, he is greeted by his old radio informant and commander from MGS1, Colonel Roy Campbell, who tells Snake that they have finally located their arch nemesis and Snake’s brother, Liquid Snake, in the Middle East preparing a world-wide insurrection. So you find yourself in the Middle East, on a truck bound for God-knows-where. There’s a lot of explosions and people in turbans getting their asses handed to them by sniper fire from soldiers decked out in high tech armor. The game designers said that the game “doesn’t make reference to modern day events” but they’re just covering their own asses against pissed off government officials carrying lawsuits and crazy fanatic bastards wearing exploding vests.
Like all of the other entries in the Metal Gear saga, your main objective is to NOT engage in firefights with your enemies, but rather avoid them by staying concealed in the shadows, keeping out of sight, and hiding in cardboard boxes. Yes, the infamous cardboard box is back; however, don’t think that your enemies’ are quite as stupid as they used to be in previous games. If your foe sees your cardboard box, they will likely turn it into a paper sieve with a barrage of bullets that would make the cast of the movie Predator cream themselves.
You also have your usual ways of ‘picking off’ your enemies while avoiding detection: You can sneak up behind them and, ala Metal Gear Solid 3, rob them of supplies, use them as a human shield, choke them out, or slit their throats with your knife. You can also pick off your enemies from a distance with the silenced tranquilizer gun. I would make mention of the silenced pistol you get about a 1/2 hour into the game, but I wouldn’t consider that as a ‘stealth weapon’ because, like all the games after Metal Gear Solid 2, KILLING your enemies leaves behind bodies for passing patrols and wandering soldiers to discover and thereby hunt you down and rape you with bullets. While in Metal Gear Solid 4, you DO have the option of running and gunning, it’s really counter-productive and usually ends up with you having a siege of enemy fire that is the equivalent of earning a 4th Star in Grand Theft Auto 3. It is often better practice to use the silenced tranquilizer gun if a soldier gets too nosy, since they just fall asleep. If a sleeping soldier is found by another, he will be awoken by a kick in the gut, and both parties will go along as though nothing happened:
SOLDIER: “I don’t know what happened Major. I was on patrol when I felt a sharp pain in my ass, and the next thing I know I’m lying on the ground being kicked in the ribs by Staff Sergeant Guermo. I dusted myself off and saw this little dart sticking out of my right ass cheek. Do you think this is something we should worry about?”
MAJOR: “Don’t worry about it, Stevens. Get back to your patrol!”
[Second Soldier Approaches the Major]
SOLDIER 2: “Sir, do you think this is strange?” [Points to dart protruding from the right side of his head]
There are lots of new gadgets and weapons for you to find in the game, but by far the coolest is the new OctoCamo where, if you press yourself against a surface, your entire suit changes INSTANTLY to match the surface, creating a nearly perfect camouflage against even those ultra rare soldiers who have a shred of enough intelligence to go investigate what appears to be a DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEAD.
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