OMFG!!

Dan Akroyd, Bill Murray, Ernie Hudson, and Harold Ramis return to lend their voices.

It’s like Ghostbusters 3!!

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Am I the only person alive who DID NOT think that this movie was ‘The Shit’?

Anyways, before people flood my email boxes with hatemail (which can be directed to the following email address: FuckYourMotherInHell@cheshirecatstudios.com), let me explain my position:

I LIKED the action sequences. High speed pursuits, explosions, and the jet battle towards the end almost made me orgasm.

BUT WHY COULDN’T THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE BE LIKE THAT?? WHY THE TEEN-DRAMA BULLSHIT?!

It was “Dawson’s Creek: The Movie – Guest Starring: The Transformers”

WHY THE FUCK IS THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AGREEING TO HIDE THE OBJECT THAT TWO GROUPS OF ULTRA-ARMED ROBOTS ARE WARRING OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF A POPULATED CITY?

If they make a sequel, just have robots blowing the shit out of eachother. Can you NOT fuck that up?

… Oh, and give Megan Fox a hard-core sex scene with that blonde English chick in a carrot patch. Prrrrrr!

The Roots of Breakdance (An old Russian musical set to “It’s Like That” by Run D.M.C.)

Who says white people can’t dance?

Trust me, the title will make more sense after you read the following:

I drove 200 miles to go see my brother and his wife, and take care of a few family issues that none of you need be concerned with. Anyways…

As for me, I never smoked weed, and never really felt a need to. And now I know I will NEVER do it again.

They are passing it around and they ask if I want some.

“Sure. If I’m gonna try it eventually, it might as well be around these three.”

I take a hit from the pipe, and I’m waiting for something to happen.

Nothing.

I take another hit. Nothing.

I take a total of 5 hits and finally I start feeling ‘buzzed’, like when you are a little drunk.

I’m thinking, “Okay, this isn’t bad…”

Then it gets stronger, faster. “This is interesting.”

Then things stop making sense and I can’t move. “Okay, that’s enough… Let’s stop now… This isn’t stopping… I don’t like this… I’M GOING TO DIE!”

So I start panicing. I’m shaking uncontrollably and I can’t think. Everyone is freaking out because I got “too high”. I didn’t know you could get “too high”.

I’m looking around the room and everything is a slow-motion blur, and (i’m not kidding) I see writing on the walls, like math and code like in the Matrix.

They are all force-feeding my chocolate to help absorb the chemicals in my system. I’m completely paralyzed, i can’t move, so i’m eating a fudge bar like a baby.

Then I throw up. I’m the only person in history who has thrown up over marijuana. Funnier, the chocolate made a perfect square on the floor.

That snaps me out of the trance and I feel more… ‘alive’. I start joking about it, saying “It’s actually a cool pattern. You should frame it on your wall” and “I should design tiles…”

I start laughing about…. ….. abouuuuuuuuuut…. …. aaaaaa …. what was I talking about again???

It was like that. It hit me again, and I couldn’t move anymore. So i was sitting on the couch, but it felt like I was sitting in a dark room and there was 100 TVs infront of me, all showing different crap at once. I was getting mixed pictures. I saw ducks with rabbit ears, dancing radios, all kinds of stupid stuff.

So they take me into the bedroom and lay me on the bed and I’m just wasting away. It felt like I was drowning.

I realize that when i start talking about something, I focus my thoughts, and it doesn’t feel as bad. So I start talking about ANYTHING that comes to mind: favorite cars, favorite movies, cartoons from my childhood.

I am not kidding, I started singing the theme song for DuckTales:

“DuckTales, whoo-hoo!”

I wish I had a video camera so I could watch myself. haha.

Anyways, 3 hours later, I am finally walking around, taking a cold shower, and going to bed.

I’m never doing that again. I literally felt like I was dying. No joke.

If my kids ever do marijuana, I’ll be ANGRY. Like, ‘Wrath of God’ angry.

So, how is your life?

“War has changed…”

It’s been seven years since the events of Metal Gear Solid 2, and the world is run by a global war economy. Mercenaries are plentiful and technology is regulating soldiers’ actions, thoughts, emotions, abilities, and even their weapons through nanomachines in their bodies and a central system of AIs dubbed ‘The Patriots’ oversees all.

Meanwhile, time has not been too kind to the most battle-hardened, stoic super soldier that could actually pull off having the code name ‘Solid Snake’ without making his enemies laugh themselves to death. No, the super soldier, Snake, has aged rapidly. His long time friend and scientist-who-makes-monstrous-nuclear-missile-launching-machines-inspired-by-Japanese-anime, Hal ‘Otocon’ Emmerich, informs him that he is aging because, like all clones, his cells are rapidly deteriorating.

You didn’t know Snake was a clone?
What the hell are you doing playing Metal Gear Solid 4? Go play the other 3 games or watch GameTrailer.com’s Metal Gear Retrospective, then come back.

Anyways, as Snake walks bitterly away from the unknown tombstone and towards the helicopter, he is greeted by his old radio informant and commander from MGS1, Colonel Roy Campbell, who tells Snake that they have finally located their arch nemesis and Snake’s brother, Liquid Snake, in the Middle East preparing a world-wide insurrection. So you find yourself in the Middle East, on a truck bound for God-knows-where. There’s a lot of explosions and people in turbans getting their asses handed to them by sniper fire from soldiers decked out in high tech armor. The game designers said that the game “doesn’t make reference to modern day events” but they’re just covering their own asses against pissed off government officials carrying lawsuits and crazy fanatic bastards wearing exploding vests.

Like all of the other entries in the Metal Gear saga, your main objective is to NOT engage in firefights with your enemies, but rather avoid them by staying concealed in the shadows, keeping out of sight, and hiding in cardboard boxes. Yes, the infamous cardboard box is back; however, don’t think that your enemies’ are quite as stupid as they used to be in previous games. If your foe sees your cardboard box, they will likely turn it into a paper sieve with a barrage of bullets that would make the cast of the movie Predator cream themselves.

You also have your usual ways of ‘picking off’ your enemies while avoiding detection: You can sneak up behind them and, ala Metal Gear Solid 3, rob them of supplies, use them as a human shield, choke them out, or slit their throats with your knife. You can also pick off your enemies from a distance with the silenced tranquilizer gun. I would make mention of the silenced pistol you get about a 1/2 hour into the game, but I wouldn’t consider that as a ‘stealth weapon’ because, like all the games after Metal Gear Solid 2, KILLING your enemies leaves behind bodies for passing patrols and wandering soldiers to discover and thereby hunt you down and rape you with bullets. While in Metal Gear Solid 4, you DO have the option of running and gunning, it’s really counter-productive and usually ends up with you having a siege of enemy fire that is the equivalent of earning a 4th Star in Grand Theft Auto 3. It is often better practice to use the silenced tranquilizer gun if a soldier gets too nosy, since they just fall asleep. If a sleeping soldier is found by another, he will be awoken by a kick in the gut, and both parties will go along as though nothing happened:

SOLDIER: “I don’t know what happened Major. I was on patrol when I felt a sharp pain in my ass, and the next thing I know I’m lying on the ground being kicked in the ribs by Staff Sergeant Guermo. I dusted myself off and saw this little dart sticking out of my right ass cheek. Do you think this is something we should worry about?”
MAJOR: “Don’t worry about it, Stevens. Get back to your patrol!”
[Second Soldier Approaches the Major]
SOLDIER 2: “Sir, do you think this is strange?” [Points to dart protruding from the right side of his head]

There are lots of new gadgets and weapons for you to find in the game, but by far the coolest is the new OctoCamo where, if you press yourself against a surface, your entire suit changes INSTANTLY to match the surface, creating a nearly perfect camouflage against even those ultra rare soldiers who have a shred of enough intelligence to go investigate what appears to be a DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEAD.

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