Will somebody please ban Swordfish already?

Share This Topic!

I TOLD YOU TO STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES SO DON'T MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY.

And now, our feature presentation:

Kenny in Underland, or How I Learned To Stop Bitching And Just Watch The Damn Movie

I stared down the Red Robin burger in front of me, my brain in a tired, frazzled haze like the short person next to me, who was nodding off in the ridiculously large tophat I let her borrow so she could put it over her head and sleep. I felt sick. I had a virus, and it didn't seem like the burger was going to stay down. Why the fuck I ate a greasy-ass onion, bleu cheese and heart attack burger at Red Robin with a virus, I don't know. I must have been high when I thought it was a good idea, but I haven't taken anything for the sickness in hours so maybe it was just sheer stupidity.

Later, the check finally arrived. I didn't feel all that sick, and I think I could sit through what the group thought would be the fun thing to do: see Alice in Wonderland. At first, I thought they meant the 1950's version, but my girlfriend was very quick to point out that it was the Tim Burton version in theatres. I felt sick. I wanted to go, but my body refused to let me flee and go back to the security of Universal monster movies waiting at home. Fuck. The next thing I know, we're out of Red Robin and in the cinemaplex, tickets already in hand. What the hell just happened? Reality blurred, and I thought I saw a lizard orgy in the next room. Keep your cool Kenny, I thought, just make it through the movie and you'll be fine.

We were seated, and I was dozing off into Lalaland. Suddenly, loud, bombastic music kicked my ears and woke me up. I looked around, confused. It was the ads. While the screen was telling us to watch How To Train Your Dragon and some gay-looking film about owls saving the world, my mind was in a different place. It was paying attention to the loud, obnoxious people, several groups of them sitting in clusters all around the theatre. It was madness. It was like a bombardment of loud laughs and shrieks of excitement that pounded on my head like a hammer and an egg. Suddenly, the movie begins.

So far, so good. It's alright so far, even with a prophecy of sorts. Why a "Chosen One" story, though? It's been done so many times before. My stomach was feeling alright, but the sleep was closing in. The movie wasn't doing much to excite us, and the icy chill of unconsciousness was coming over me. Suddenly, I saw such a grotesque face that shocked me back into consciousness. It was the man in front of us. Then I looked at the screen, and saw another grotesque face that almost shocked me into a coma. It was Johnny Depp. Could it be that this thing was the same as the druggie in Fear and Loathing, or as that one gangster in Public Enemy? My stomach couldn't hold on.

I came back from putting my face in the toilet, and I thought I felt better. Now we were at a castle with a woman in white, a queen, who looked like her eyebrows needed a thorough plucking. It was like two caterpillars sitting on her face, and I could have sworn I saw them move and writhe without her command. Was this delirium? I looked around and saw nothing like faces staring at me from the wall, so the copious amounts of medication for the virus didn't slow me down. Then I saw an insane woman screaming at a frog about a tart, the queen in red with a head the size of her body. Was I dreaming? I tried to pinch myself, but I ended up pinching someone else instead, so instead I was fed a greasy knuckle to the face. I looked up at the screen again, and the bloated face was still there, screaming about executing the small, green animal. Again, I needed to revisit the toilet bowl, I wasn't feeling well.

I came back ten minutes later, and I'm pretty sure the people I was there with worried about my health. I was fine, and I sat back down. Then I saw the main character lop the head off of a Christopher Lee monster, and this time I stole a popcorn bag from the person next to me and used it as a sick bag. Then I got another greasy helping of knuckle.

-End-

I liked it but overall i thought the movie was just eye candy in he end for the most part.

KFC's best work yet!

I still stand by my angry overview of Tim Burton's raping of Lewis Carroll's masterpiece.

Read our reviews - Click Here for More

Devil May Cry 4 LaughingMan Transformers: War for Cybertron Zimes TMNT: Turtles Forever RITOS Enchanted Arms LaughingMan, Zimes Demonbane Kenny Farino, LaughingMan, ONOE

Haven't seen it yet. Will probably rent it off of the Playstation Network whenever it comes available. Not expecting a lot out of it, though.

It's... pretty forgettable.

I figured.