Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2008 3:25 pm Posts: 4143 Location: Between Genius and Insaniy
Top 20 Unfortunate Lessons Girls Learn From Twilight
From a male point of view, the only redeeming feature of the Twilight books and movies is the ammunition they provide against female claims of innate moral superiority over men.
Whenever a woman criticizes a man’s lust, aggression, shallowness or any other lesser angel of his personality, the quick-witted fellow can point to the millions of women addicted to the base, insipid, bad-boy-worshiping, misogynist syrup so many female viewers of all ages knelt to this past weekend, when The Twilight Saga: New Moon raked in $147 million at the box office, setting several records.
(A side benefit: The Twilight films provide good grist for RiffTrax’s movie-mocking mill — see video embedded above.)
In the spirit of speaking truth to diamond-skinned power, enjoy this list of unfortunate lessons girls learn from Twilight. (The list operates under the principle that any grownup female who embraces Twilight’s junior-high dreck temporarily sacrifices her “woman card.”)
And so, with an insincere “love is forever,” we begin.
1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you — and you are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as you keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave you always come back.
9. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.
11. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must do.
13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.
14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you “fell down the steps” because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.
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"Humor is reason gone mad" - Groucho Marx
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:52 pm Posts: 2026 Location: The Frozen Chozen
found this on mylifeisaverage.com
Quote:
Today, my little sister went to go see New Moon at the request of our Twilight-obsessed cousin. My sister hasn't read the books, and when Bella falls off the cliff, she stood up in the middle of the packed theater and yelled, "YES! SHE DIES! THERE IS HOPE FOR THE WORLD!". MLIA
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Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal
Today, my little sister went to go see New Moon at the request of our Twilight-obsessed cousin. My sister hasn't read the books, and when Bella falls off the cliff, she stood up in the middle of the packed theater and yelled, "YES! SHE DIES! THERE IS HOPE FOR THE WORLD!". MLIA
I would have paid to see that.
_________________ ブレイブル Is your justice believable?
The series is dedicated to analyzing and eviscerating tasteless low-budged B-grade knock-offs of more popular and expensive Hollywood flicks - Mockbusters. CineMax is an amateur, yet aspiring movie critic, who makes comedic video reviews, writes insightful and analytical articles, and, occasionally just blabbers about stuff he deems important.
Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:28 am Posts: 598 Location: on the moon bitch!
I repeat. How Twiight should have ended.
Attachments:
Twilight Moms if a 40 year old man was screaming for 17 year old girls someone would call the police
twilight-moms-demotivational-poster.jpg [ 60 KiB ]
Today, my little sister went to go see New Moon at the request of our Twilight-obsessed cousin. My sister hasn't read the books, and when Bella falls off the cliff, she stood up in the middle of the packed theater and yelled, "YES! SHE DIES! THERE IS HOPE FOR THE WORLD!". MLIA
I would have paid to see that.
Ditto, and if the rant compilation is still up for grabs I'm in... just need to still see New Moon ^_^*
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