OMM: Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave

Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave has got to be the most repulsive, shameless, and all around insulting film I’ve ever seen in my life. And you know why? Nope, it’s not ‘cos the plot doesn’t make any sense at all or the dialogue is cringe-worthy. Furthermore, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the abhorrent actor performances or laughable special effects, either. It’s ‘cos despite the film’s alluring title, in reality, it has little, if anything, to do with Bruce Lee. That's right, dear reader: even though the film’s poster clearly shows the legendary champion literally jumping out of his grave to battle some sinister-looking demon creature to rescue a luscious, half-naked damsel in distress, and the trailer clearly stating how, before drawing his last breath, the great actor had sold his soul to the Devil (or “The Black Angel of Death”, as they call him) so that, one day, he can return back to the world of the living to exact revenge upon his killers, the film doesn’t feature any of that at all. Yeah! Exactly. I mean, how more egregious can you fucking ge… What? What is it? No, really, why are you staring at me like I’ve just said something highly inappropriate or, worse yet, completely retarded? Oh, I see. You’re still astonished by the fact that a film called Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave even exists in the first place, right? Alright, alright. I suppose some explanation on my part is in order, then.

First of all, allow me to break your piteous little human heart by saying that, sadly, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave isn’t a one-of-a-kind phenomenon, but rather just another cheap knock-off exploiting the image of the great Jeet Kune Do master, Bruce Lee. You see, after Bruce’s tragic, untimely death in 1973 a whole bunch of dreadful, third-rate forgeries started to appear practically every year all throughout the seventies and eighties, shamelessly trying to cash-in on the late actor’s popularity. In fact, there were so many of these wretched rip-offs that they even became their own, stand-alone genre of exploitation movies called "Bruceploitation." Some of these films, such as, for example, Re-enter the Dragon, Return of the Fists of Fury, and Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger, would often position themselves as sequels to classic Bruce Lee films like Enter the Dragon or Fists of Fury, while, in reality, all the filmmakers would usually do was just replace Bruce with a cheap look-alike who’d often conveniently happen to be his brother, successor, or secret apprentice, and then proceed to unabashedly rip-off the original frame by frame. Then, there were films which, to their credit, tried to be somewhat creative and come up with their own unique plots; however, since all of these knock-offs had to revolve around Bruce in one way or another no matter what, often the end results were just… far-fetched, to say the very least. Take for instance these two flicks: The Clones of Bruce Lee and The Dragon Lives Again. The first one involves some secret government agency creating three—THREE—ideal clones of the great fighter after his untimely demise (they even had the audacity to include footage of Bruce's real funeral, believe it or not) to take down some criminal organization, while the other one has Bruce going to Hell, where he meets James Bond, Dracula, Clint Eastwood, The Godfather, Emmanuelle, and even friggin’ Popeye the Sailor Man, whose help he uses to defeat the nefarious King of the Underworld. I swear, poor ol' Bruce (the real one, that is) must’ve been spinning like a goddamn spintop in his grave by that point…


From left to right: Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, and Popeye the Sailor Man — all in one frame.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Finally, there’s the third kind — the most offensive of them all. “Bah!” resents aloud the indignant reader. “Come on, CineMax. What can possibly be more offensive than a movie that has Bruce Lee being cloned by the government to fight against organized crime in Southeast Asia or teaming up with cartoon characters to defeat Satan?” I’ll tell you what: a Bruce Lee movie that doesn’t have anything to do with him. You see, while the same can be said about all the movies I’ve listed above, since most of them were unauthorized sequels, re-cuts, and whatnot, there’s still one major difference between those films and Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave — and that’s the fact that at least they never lied to you. Let’s get something straight, shall we? No one—and I mean no one—has ever bought any of these measly fakes thinking that they’re going to see a genuine Bruce Lee movie. Well, maybe one or two thick, dimwitted simpletons who need help dressing themselves up in the morning did, but in most other cases, people knew what they were paying for. That’s right, my friends: People knew that a film called, say, The Clones of Bruce Lee of course wasn’t going to be some profound, intellectual chef-d'oeuvre, but rather a nonsensical, over-the-top B-movie where three Bruce Lee look-alikes beat the ever-loving crap out of the Asian mob — and that’s exactly what they wanted to see. In other words, people knew these movies were trash, and that’s why they loved them. I mean, hell, even that The Dragon Lives Again absurdity I mentioned earlier is considered a great film amongst bruceploitation lovers (yes, they do exist; now climb back on your chair) just ‘cos of how surreal and hilarious it is. Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, though? Not so much — and for good reason. Tell me, what was the first image that popped into your head once you’d read the title Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave? Let me guess, non-stop mindless, balls to the wall action, climactic fiery battles in Hell, Bruce Lee going berserk and battling an entire friggin’ army of demons — that kind of stuff, am I right? Now, tell me, wouldn’t that be actually awesome to see, even if you knew that it wasn’t the real Bruce? Yeah, you’re right. It would. No, screw that. It has to!

Unfortunately, the real Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave is far from that image. If anything, it’s actually the complete opposite. It’s dull, unimaginative, and definitely nowhere near as engaging and spectacular as the movie it could’ve easily been had the filmmakers put some genuine effort and, most importantly, imagination into their work. More on that after the pretty picture...


Possibly the greatest movie never made.

Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave begins with a glaringly out of place sequence in which someone–who doesn’t even remotely resemble the great Jeet Kune Do master, mind–leaps out from under a generic, cheap polystyrene tombstone that says “Bruce Lee,” after it’s been recently struck by lightning. Before you foolishly get your hopes up that we might actually get to see the legendary warrior slaughter his way through legions of undead monstrosities like I did, though, let me assure you that this scene has absolutely no connection to the rest of the movie whatsoever, and, in fact, just like the aforementioned splashy title and poster, is nothing more than a mere devious trick on the filmmakers’ part to sucker in the naïve and the credulous, such as yours truly. The real plot, however, is about a man called Wong Han – a Korean taekwondo expert who travels to the United States to investigate the mysterious death of his older brother, Han Ji-Hyeok. Upon his arrival, the young man starts asking some compromising questions about the strange circumstances of his brother’s untimely demise, which, of course, draws the attention of the local mafia who, in their turn, send in a high-profile assassin to take care of the irksome pest, as well as cover up their tracks. Little did they know, though, that Wong Han has mastered the mysterious powerful art of jumpcuts and body-doubles, so, naturally, he makes short work of his would-be killer. Now, convinced that there’s more to this mystery than it seems at first glance more than ever, Wong Han heads to the local police department to report last night’s assault and, hopefully, reopen his brother’s case, to which they reply by threatening to arrest the man for–and I quote–disturbing the authorities without any concrete evidence or facts that the attack even took place the previous night…

Um, hello? Dumbasses? How the fuck do you explain the fact that up until yesterday the guy’s place was still intact, yet now it’s completely trashed if, like you say, there was no struggle there last night, then?! Furthermore, since when do you have to present concrete evidence and eyewitness testimony when simply reporting a crime? Isn’t that, like, your job to gather all of that, anyway? Personally, I’d love to assure you this was the only scene in the entire movie that doesn’t make any sense and boggle your mind with its sheer absurdity, but, alas, this is just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. More on that later, though.


I'm telling you, Johnson. It's honest, law-abiding citizens like this creep that are ruining this country!

So Wong Han excuses himself from the hostile environment of the police station before the deranged cops get the ingenious idea to lock him up for, you know, performing his civic duties, and heads back on the streets to proceed with the investigation. Eventually, he runs into an attractive young female named Susan, who seems to posses some vital information concerning the late Han Ji-Hyeok’s fate. She seems uncooperative at first; however, after some persuasion (and possibly a few brutal bitchslaps that were left off-screen) from Wong Han, she finally cracks. She reveals to our hero that there had been in fact rumors of Han Ji-Hyeok’s involvement in some shady business with the mafia, something to do with drugs. Wong Han has a hard time accepting such facts, but asks the woman to continue with her story nonetheless. Susan then adds that when the protagonist’s brother wasn’t able to pay up his debt, he was visited by a group of five suspicious, malignant-looking people, never to be seen or heard from again. Wong Han realizes that if he wants to discover who’s behind all of this, he’ll need to find the said five assassins first. From hero on, the movie turns into a mindless, non-stop action fest, with our hero tracking down and defeating each of his brother’s murderers one by one, and then going toe-to-toe with the Big Boss himself. Or at least that’s what was supposed to happen by all the canons of the genre. Instead, however, our guy just kind of forgets about the whole ‘avenging his brother’s death’ business and spends the next couple of days with Susan. They go together to coffee shops, buy a car, he teaches her self-defense lessons, and–as if that wasn’t embarrassing enough–he doesn’t even get to track down the bad guys, ‘cos more often than not it’s them who come to his place trying to take him down…

And you’re telling me this Wong Han guy is supposed to be the kind of character Bruce Lee would’ve played had he been alive? Motherfuckers, please. Why do you think people called him the Dragon? Because he’d avoid fighting his enemies and go on shopping sprees with his girlfriend instead? Hell no! It’s ‘cos if you’d even lay a finger on his friends or family, he’d track you down no matter how long it takes, come to your house, slaughter all your minions, break you in half, and leave you there slowly and painfully dying in a puddle of your own blood and vomit. Sounds brutal, yes. But then again, that’s exactly why you don’t fuck with the Dragon, man. This guy, on the other hand? Psht! Please. This coward is so pathetic that he'd probably try to offer his lunch money to his enemies just so they don’t hurt him!


Exit the Dragon, Enter the Pussy.

“Ok, so the guy’s definitely no badass, we get it. Still, the actor who plays him must be at least half-decent, ‘cos otherwise the filmmakers wouldn’t have hired him to impersonate the great Bruce Lee, right? So, what say you, CineMax? Is he any good?” Yes and no. On one hand, the actor who plays him, Jun Chong, isn’t half bad. He’s an ample taekwondo fighter, and the man really knows how to kick – I’ll give him that. On the other hand, though, as a Bruce Lee imitator, he’s just terrible. He’s got none of the grace, none of the elegancy, and worst of all, none of the much needed charisma. In fact, more often than not he’d just keep monotonously jump-kicking his opponent until the later decides that staying down and keeping all his teeth intact is the smartest option, which, needless to say, makes all the fight scenes in the movie seem lackluster and formulaic – and that’s a huge no-no for a martial arts flick. Oh, and the noises Wong Han makes during a fight? I swear to God, that has to be the most hysterical thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life! I mean, I know the guy was merely doing his job (i.e., copying Bruce Lee); however, it still doesn’t change the fact that his so-called ‘battle cry’ sounds more like a retarded baboon that’s just had its nutsack pinched in a vise. In fact, I laughed so hard that my neighbors even started banging on the walls – and they’ve been immured in them ever since I caught those sneaky bastards stealing my newspaper a year ago or so. Err, I mean out on vacation if Florida all this time! Yeah, that’s right. Vacation. Heh, heh…

Another major thing that puts me off about Bruce and Popeye’s Wacky Adventures in Hell is the dubbing. Oh, the dubbing… Look, I don’t know who they got to do all the male voices in the movie (in other words, everyone but Susan sounds exactly the same), but if there existed some sort of prize for the most incongruous overdramatization, this guy would’ve been the undisputed winner, I can assure you of that. Every line, every word, and even every sigh sounds so forced and unnatural that you just can’t help but crack up every time someone opens their mouth. (But I can’t, can I? I mean, if I do, others might hear Chris and Jenny scratching from inside the walls again. And we wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?)

Now, I’m pretty sure one could make a convincing argument that all the things I’ve mentioned in this review plus all the random crap that takes place all throughout this movie like characters suddenly changing locations in the middle of a fight, complete strangers attacking either Wong Han or Susan just ‘cos god knows this movie can’t go on for more than five minutes without a pointless boring fight scene, and, last but not least, scenes that just don’t make any sense (i.e., the aforementioned police station fiasco) are a definite plus, since they only amplify the so-called ‘So Bad It’s Good’ factor of the movie, but I say but I say get lost. Way too many schlock movies get off the hook easily these days ‘cos of this bullshit criteria invented by people with no taste in real cinema. “Oh, but what about movies that are bad or over the top on purpose?” you ask. That, my friends, is an entirely different story. The Dragon Lives Again (a.k.a. Bruce and Popeye’s Wacky Adventures in Hell) is that kind of a movie. And guess what? Despite possibly being the most shameless and disgraceful film in the entire history of filmmaking, it’s still freaking awesome! This crap, though? Get out of my face…


The mook on the right realizes that the guy who's about to kick his sorry ass isn't even the real Bruce Lee.
Somehow, I share his dissatisfaction.

Given the fact that I’ve spent almost the entire first half of the review bitching how Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave doesn’t live up to its bold, promising title, I won’t be surprised if some of you might be thinking right now that the only reason why I dislike this movie is ‘cos it’s left me with big blue balls for some mindless, over the top kung fu action. Now, while that’s certainly true to some extent, let me assure you there’s certainly much more to this than that. You see, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave doesn’t suck ‘cos it’s a crappy pseudo-Bruce Lee movie; it sucks ‘cos it’s a crappy martial arts movie in general – and that’s what matters the most. Trust me, had the film featured an interesting, original plot, a compelling love story between Wong Han and Susan, solid fight choreography, and, most important of all, creative, spectacular stuns, I honestly wouldn’t have minded if the film exploited the name of the great Jeet Kune Do master, Bruce Lee. Well, ok, I guess I’d still bitch about it a little ‘cos, hey, you know me, but that’s beside the point, really. What isn’t, though, is the fact that Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave has got to be the worst Bruce Lee knock-off of all time, if not even the worst kung-fu movie ever made. And since martial arts flicks have always been somewhat of a guilty pleasure of mine (meaning I’ve seen a sufficient amount of them), I believe I’m more than enough qualified to make such a loud statement. It’s dull, generic, wearisome, and oh, need I remind everyone that it’s nowhere near as exciting and spectacular as it could’ve been? Yeah, thought so.

Here's an advice, free of charge, children. If you ever want to give these bruceploitation movies a try, I suggest you give this one a pass. It'll just spoil your overall impression of the genre and, most likely, discourage your from watching any more of its representatives. Which is unexceptable, mind, 'cos you haven't seen shit until you've seen Bruce Lee duke it out with good ol' Lucifer!

The first one to bring up that "Wait, this isn't RoboGeisha!" gets it in the kisser!

Epic win, post this bitch live!

Grammar nazi time:


He’s got none of the grace, none of the ELEGANCE, and worst of all, none of the much needed charisma.


Which is unacceptable...

This is one of the few times in my life that the title and poster of a movie review has truly stopped my brain and grabbed hold of me like a heimlich manoeuvre.

@B-mask: A shame it was for naught, though. I mean, if the American distributors had the insidiousness to film that opening sequence I mentioned in the review, why didn't they shoot more of that stuff? Seriously, all they had to do was shoot a couple of fight scenes with the fake Bruce going apeshit on a group of guys in demon masks, intersect it with the actual movie, and then come up with some explosive finale that would tie everything up neatly together. You know, something like it wasn't the mob who had killed Wong Han's brother, but rather some mystical ancient cult that worships this "Black Angel of Death" guy who's prophesied to return to Earth after a millennia of exile. Wong Han and Susan learn to much and so they get captured by the said cult. They're about to get sacrificed to complete the spell or some bullshit, and then BAM! Bruce Lee (the fake one, obviously) comes out of nowhere to kick everyone's ass. Yeah, I know it still sounds incoherent, but hey, at least that way the film would've been worth a watch...

Anyway, don't know about you fellas, but personally I've got mixed feeling about this review. On one hand, I like the beginning, 'cos just like B-mask has just demonstrated to us all, after seeing the film's title and poster, a lot of people would most likely want, nay, demand some answers on my part — and answers is something I provide. The summarization of the plot was more or less balanced as well, though I reckon I could've given a little more exposure as to how the event of the film's second half unfold instead of simply calling Wong Han a pussy and it calling a day. I guess I was just in a hurry to wrap this up and post it till October is over. Still, why can't I produce a single solid written review I'll actually be proud of from start to finish instead of these unpolished stumps? Eh, whatever. It's back to seclusion and self-flagellation until I produce something worthy again, I guess...

I dunno mang, I actually felt you summed up what you had to fine without elaborating on the second act- it was like 'okay you guys, i'm gonna leave this with at least SOME dignity/sanity in tact', and rounding it off with the word of warning worked fine. I just love the back and forth between you and the invisible audience reactions. It just makes it work so well.

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The series is dedicated to analyzing and eviscerating tasteless low-budged B-grade knock-offs of more popular and expensive Hollywood flicks - Mockbusters. CineMax is an amateur, yet aspiring movie critic, who makes comedic video reviews, writes insightful and analytical articles, and, occasionally just blabbers about stuff he deems important.

@B-mask: Ah, yes. I absolutely adore doing those. Can't really explain why, though I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I think of myself more as a narrator than a critic when I'm writing. Again, don't know why, but I reckon it makes my writing seem a tad bit more... accessible for the audience, I suppose, since they feel like they're part of the experience.

I remember James Rolfe reviewing this particular film for his series on Spike but it was played pretty straight like the Halloween specials he makes. While reading your review I couldn't help but think that this is what his review would have sounded like if he reviewed it as his persona the angry video game nerd. I think it is more entertaining that way.

@CineMax: Meh, I felt the same about my The Changeling review. Something about me really hates reviewing movies because you can't get to deep without spoiling the whole movie. Plus, I have a feeling that you and I share a common problem: We were both writing at the last minute because we were under the gun for an end-of-October release.

Really? I though it was great!

And no, I'm not kissing your ass. Yeah, maybe you didn't go that deep into the movie's plot like, say, Kenny did with his The Thing review (also another great entry, by the way), but hey, you did manage to convey just how haunting the film's atmosphere is without giving away any major spoilers or scare moments. Another major thing I liked was the sense of flow your review head (i.e., how you seamlessly go from the film's backstory to its plot, then to the actors, then to best moments, then back to the acting, etc.)

I'll have to work on that, then, especially if I prefer not to segregate my reviews into parts.


Aye, tell me about it... You want to talk about the emotions this or that particular scene evokes, the film's message, the best scenes, etc. However, since you know there's always at least a small percentage of your readers who haven't seen the film (especially if it's something obscure like in the case of Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave), you end up simply summarizing the plot, explaining who this or that character is, and the end result is never the way your originally wanted it to be.

There is a way out, though. It's a little bit selfish, but from what I've seen, it works. Forget about the audience, and just write for yourself. No, I mean it! Some of the best reviews you, Kenny, or Zimes have written are those in which you talked about your personal experiences with this or that product instead of simply summarizing the plot, explaining this or that game mechanic, or whatnot. You know, your Devil May Cry reviews, Kenny's Ender Game entry, Zimes' magnum opus about World or Warcraft — stuff like that.