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I am going to do something different with this review. Just so I can get all my thoughts from the day before and get them on the review before I forget. remember I am terrible with english and grammar so if you see any of those mistakes please let me know and I will try and get to them. as far as the finished product goes, let me finish first before you let me know that Im missing stuff. here goes:
I started Enchanted arms just to give you my thoughts so far:
Starting off it seems like you are in the middle of a story where the main character is doing something stupid to screw the world over. your friends try and stop you but you end up in the middle of a battle even though you have not had a tutorial on how to fight. The fighting is pretty simple so it wasnt that hard to get use to. What kind of got on my nerves was that there was this chick who sounded like a gay dude. fortunately the fight was quick and I did not have to put up with it for long since the enemy wiped her ass with our faces and we were done. It then went back a few weeks and explained what was going on.
F*CK! I AM IN SCHOOL! All I could think "was where is the awesome gunblade?" cause that is what made FF8 worth it. Turns out that you're friends are there with you. they are the same ones that you got ass planted with so I am looking for the chick. No, no chick. some openly gay douche bag that you have to put in your team since he is the healer. F*CK ME! "NO! Not you you douche bag, put your dick back in your pants before I rip off your head and shit down your throat." Fortunately the game is buggy enough that if you go too fast with skipping the dialog, the talking stops all together.
The team decides to skip school to go to the festival but to get out of the school I have to fight teams of my fellow students. These little f**k sticks should all have a patch on them that say "SeeD Students". So after I go around and beat the snot out of them I get to beat the snot out of a teacher who has a golem. A golem is like a robot that runs on enchantments. I beat the teacher who says I'm in big trouble and leave. So after I skip school I head to town to a festival (which is all of three tents and and some confetti)
Its too bad this gay guy is with me cause he is really getting annoying (not like he wasnt already annoying the first time I hear him) but he bitches about everything I do. To top it off, the friends that are with you treat you like a retard on crack because they think that you can't do anything for yourself. I get it, press A to do something cool or needed when you get to somewhere that looks like you need to press a button to do something. LIKE CLIMBING A F**KING LADDER!!! really, I think this game is supposed to be sold to retards only since my now 8 year old son was even getting tired of it. (just to mention, I will be putting in remarks from my two 8 year olds now. One of them can understand Japanese)
When I get to the festival, I find out that my character just wants to fight. Turns out if you want to fight you have to fight with a golem on your team. So after doing a really easy mini game of finding the tickets you get a free golem and you get to fight in the arena (where the f**k did this come from? this is supposed to be a tent!). After I beat the shit out of my opponent my next fight gets interrupted by Yuffie from final fantasy 7; all except she doesnt have the huge ninja star, she has guns instead and they call her Yuki.
*FACE,
SLAMS,
ON,
KEYBOARD*
I swear these little cock suckers stood around a table and asked themselves: "What are the worst Final Fantasy characters we can think of, put them in the game, AND MAKE THEM 10 TIMES WORSE!!!". yeah that would be a great idea, IF YOU"RE A F**KTARD!!! Fortunately she doesnt join your party. Unfortunately, she probably will later on in the story. My 8 year old daughter was even sick of the 3 mins of crap time I had to listen to her. She said "thats stupid of her, you just saved her life. Is there anyway you can get her to stop talking?".
Come to find out that any golem you make only speaks Japanese or grunts a lot. Fortunately for me, my daughter can understand Japanese and translates it for me. My guess is that Ubisoft did not want to fork over the dough for us to hear "Ow that hurt" or "Lets do that again". So we get to hear it in Japanese instead which gets very annoying with the voices they use. Of course I hear this from my daughter when I asked her to translate a simple battle for me: "Of course they aren't going to lose, there are only two enemies!" to which I replied, "what did he say?" "He said we can't lose." The logic of an 8 year old is greater than that of a Enchanted Arms programmer.
The combat system in the game is written as a mix of the Final Fantasy Chronicles (or Cyrstals) and fixed grid. Not a hard system to get use to at all but, since they treat you like a retarded monkey, they make you go through a tutorial of the battle but have so far failed to tell you how to level up your character or use some of the points you collect in battle.
THERE IS A GOD!!!
Not even 5 hours into the game and that cum guzzling queen is GONE!!! I hope he is dead but knowing that this game is based off of so many bad things in JRPG's he is going to be back. It like waiting for a punch in the crotch. you know its going to happen and you know it will hurt. Unfortunately I have also lost the know it all bad ass of the group.
I lost the group because the main character that has only one brain cell awoke what they call a devil golem. Devil golems are golems that have no master and use magic as well. they are very powerful creatures that usually end nations if not life on continents. here is where they also explain a little about the difference between magic and enchanting. Enchanting is just a small part of Magic and Magic has been dead to this world for centuries since it's use usually ends up to end of the world type scenario.
So after loosing the two original characters who treat you like a retard, you end up in jail in the neighboring city and pick up two other characters that treat you like a retarded monkey. I love the faith that Ubisoft puts into their players. I get it, press A to do something that you need to have done. quit with the quick lectures about it. Its pointless and Id rather not play this game for more than I need to. And then I end up at a casino.
I pick up two new characters and just by the way they talk and act towards one another I know that Karin is a princess, and Raigar is the captain of the guard. It's ok Ubisoft, some people really are that dumb. Most people that play these type of games though are not. Now keep in mind, I have only played this for about 20 hours so I could be totally wrong, if so cool, you have improved the final score of the review. if not, the score will suffer.
F***! how many times will I run into Yuki before she joins me or I kill her (please oh please oh please let me fight and kill her!!!) One of the times I run into her the main character actually grows some balls right there on the spot (you can see them growing!) and tells her to "shut the hell up right now!". Then because you are treated like a retarded monkey your balls shrivel up when your party says you were being too hard on her.
AND THE GOD THAT EXISTS HATES ME!!!
Ubisoft really doesnt let you have any fun. there is a point in the game where you have to charge up a really big gun to shoot shit that is in your way. I'm thinking rat-a-tat-tat mother f**kers! Im going to unleash hell for a few seconds of fun and blow shit up! and then a cut scene of you pushing a button to blow shit up. LAME.
The casino is a easy way for you to get free upgrades. take a little of your TP, convert it to chips, save the game, bet on roulette, win - save, loose - load and repeat until you win. win enough and put 1k on each of the last 18 of the roulette wheel and win tons! buy the trades with your winnings and have some awesome upgrades, or lame ones. either way, its worth the time of not grinding out TPs for upgrades.
I must be a damned psychic! No, I guess not, the game is just that predictable. Im glad I wrote the add of what I did yesterday since last night when I continued playing it; it turns out that Karin is a princess and Raigar was the captain of the guard. Yuki has joined my party in which I did fight her, one shotted her and she still lives. To add headache to heartache, she actually tell Atsuma that he is the guy for her since he is stronger than her. enter the typical JRPG 3 way between this kid, the princess and Atsuma. Yuki being the jealous bitch, Karin being the uptight bitch, and Atsuma being the dumb bitch. they really should change the name of the game to 3 dumb bitches and a dude. Even my mom laughed at the name of this game. I really can't take a hint to knowing what games are going to be so bad that it might make me take a gun to the head!
when looking up this game on the wiki, I found something interesting done by Gabe over at penny arcade. Now, taken that I have played this game for about 25 hours, and he has played about 8 when he wrote his review but neither of us while this review is out have finished the game I will still point out a few things. Gabe is right about only one thing in his counter review to the gaming mags (who gave it a low score of 6.4 out of 10 HA!) it is a turn based RPG game, You should not dock it points because of it. OK, I wont. I will dock points for the graphics being less than outstanding, sound being absolutely crappy, dialog being a big pile of shit, characters being cardboard cut outs from other games (yes Gabe, if you can tell what they are by playing them BEFORE you are confirmed by the game, its a cut out, dumbass), No emotional connection between characters, poor story line, and just god-awful characters!
Really! If you are going to dumb down the combat of the game I better damn well have some awesome graphics to make up for it, sweet ass blow-your-mind-away soundtrack, and some decent characters to make up for it! want examples: here goes: FF7: Balls for graphics but awesome cut scenes and music so sweet that they have done orchestra re-makes of the songs. FF8: balls out one of the worst story lines done by the FF series but the songs are along the same bar as before. FF9: Back to old school play and feel with suped-up graphics and cut scenes so good it almost makes you bust a nut (with PS1 graphics none the less). FF10: better graphics, decent story, awesome music! Legend of Dragoon: Excellent story, great game play, decent graphics. FF6!: The best story line out of the FF series (and any other series for that matter), crappy graphics, decent music (for 16 bit), good game play, decent cut scenes for what it was. Do I need to continue embarrassing you Gabe for sticking up for this piece of shit or do you get the point?
So far there is nothing in this game that would make up for the lack of character development, crappy story line, standard graphics, and really shitty music. Are you OK playing with sub-par games Gabe? cause one f**king thing is for f**king certain: I for sure am sick of this type of shit being put on to us! For any RGP out there. you must have at least one of the 4 following criteria at excellent or above to slate my wrath: Graphics, Story, Game play, or Music. If you don't have any at there, DON'T BOTHER MAKING THE F**KING GAME! F*** . . . . . OFF!
F***! if people put up with this type of shit and give it decent scores, we are going to end up with more of it! NO MORE!!! if it sucks you better let the developers have it so we are NOT stuck with more shitty games. having a passing score of 6.4 is stupid, when will the reviewing magazines get the cock out of the mouth and call it like it is? thats right, they wont or else they wont get paid. Not a true gamer in my mind but I guess that's just me. I do this for the love of gaming and not to be paid hordes of cash to give a bad game a good score. get the Ubisoft cock out of you mouth Gabe, it's embarrassing us that use to have some respect for you.
(more to come)
_________________
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal
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Infinite Undiscovery - Zimes Review
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