So August of 20 10 is unknown movie month huh? To be brutally honest I don't even watch that many underground films. Like every other assbag who has to find escapism from a mundane life through the theaters I stick with the big budget titles for better or worse. But usually for the worse. <put in a link to the Avatar review of mine>.
The whole world has lost its suspension of disbelief and in doing so it has lost the ability to like movies for what they are. This isn't to say that there are some real overinflated shitbombs in the boxoffice that pretend to be the best thing since sliced cheese and they deserve to be hammered down for misguiding the minds of the public. <put in a link to the Transformers review of mine> But I can watch a shitty Arnold S. movie and get a kick out of it for the mindless bullshit that it takes a lot to make my piss boil.
Like stomping all over my childhood heroes just to promote some trendier rehash of the same product. My case in point is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Forever.
So I heard about this film through the nerd grapevines and I about flipped, in a good happy kind of way. The thought behind Turtles Forever is that through some assbackwards line of logic reserved for only the worst Ninja Turtles fan fictions, the Ninja Turtles would basically pull a Star Trek Generations and combine the best of the old school 80's cartoon series with the modern edgier TMNT cartoon.
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How fucking cool would that be? The old ninja turtles would combine forces with the new and they would battle against the new Shredder plus Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, and all kinds of mutants from the Ninja Turtle mythology like Tokka and Razar from the second Ninja Turtles live action movie. The rush of nostalgia for my childhood cartoon heroes would be like snorting crack off of a supermodel's tits while you nailed her on a giant banana cream pie.
So I spent DAYS trying to find a copy of this movie in my local movie rental joints until I found it in a 2nd hand store on DVD. I know that you shouldn't buy 2nd hand DVDs but for a whole five-bucks I figured I could get a cheap thrill and if the disk was fucked up I was only out a Happy Meal. So I checked the disk and bought it, and I skipped home under a rainbow while everyone I met on the sidewalks saw Turtles Forever in my hands all gave me the Fonzie thumbs-up "Ayyyyy!". I ran into my apartment, turned off my girlfriend's Final Fantasy video game before she could save, and told her to make me some pizza, because when you watch Ninja Turtles popcorn is for fags.
So the movie starts up and there's a lot of bullshit going on. Splinter calls his Mutant Teenagers in, and the new Ninja Turtles do their action-pose roll-call on skateboards and shit, just because whenever my dad called me into the living room I did a flying kick in front of him with two knives in my hands and dramatic lighting. It turns out that there was a disturbance where four turtles were caught on camera fighting the Purple Dragons ninja street gang. So the new cool and modern turtles break into the lair of the Purple Dragons where they find the 1980's cartoon turtles held captive.
You would think that what would ensue would be a complete buttfucking of the Purple Dragons with a whole can of Turtle Power but something is really fucking wrong. The 1980's cartoon Ninja Turtles are making dumb jokes, and Raphael is always breaking the 4th wall by making wisecracks to the camera. And what the fuck is this? The new turtles are the only ones that are ever 'fighting' enemies while the classic ones are downgraded to THROWING GARBAGE CANS??????
Yeah that's right. The Ninja Turtles that I GREW UP WITH AND CHERISH are now the ass-end of a string of stupid jokes designed to make the new series turtles look cooler than they actually are! The old school Ninja Turtles DIDN'T TICKLE ANYONE!! THEY DIDN'T GIVE OUT NOOGIES AND THEY SURE AS SHIT COULD ACTUALLY FIGHT! DID THE DIRECTOR NEVER WATCH A FUCKING CLASSIC NINJA TURTLE CARTOON IN HIS WHOLE FUCKING LIFE? FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU TO HELL!
And of course this movie is so fucking biased that not once do they even lampoon the new ultra-hip turtles when every other fucking word that comes out of their fucking gobbs is "What the shell" and that the new turtles cant just fucking walk anywhere they flip all over the goddamn place like a whole Flying Circus of French Faggots. Two fucking minutes of being exposed to these assclowns and Donatello backflips 5 feet to his computer. It's that goddamn stupid but its never pointed out and so mercilessly ragged on like the classic turtles are.
So unless you have been doing something more constructive with your time like dunking your head in an unflushed public toilet the whole movie is about shattered dimensions and crap. The classic turtles were kicking Shredder's ass but the Technodrome's trans-dimensional portal merged the two worlds in a freak accident. It's the same brainless Star Trek fan fiction bullshit that nerds use for everything.
So now there's the classic four turtles and the new four turtles, but every movie needs enemies right? I actually had some hope for this movie when I saw the classic villains. Shredder, Krang, and even Bebop and Rocksteady and they all look just like they did in the classic cartoons, but they sound like shit... especially Krang who never stops burping out of his mouth. Yeah hardy fucking har. But Shredder can't beat all eight turtles so he hunts down the new cool Shredder who is basically a pissed off gumdrop floating out in space.
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DID I MISS SOMETHING HERE???? Shredder looks like a square Krang instead of a walking can opener. Bogus.
So yeah in the 2003 new Ninja Turtles universe, Shredder is an alien brain called an Utrom that crash landed on Japan in the year 600AD and lives in robot bodies. If the classic 1980's characters actually get a good jab in on the 2003 counterparts it's when the Shredders meet and the classic Shredder's like "The world will tremble before the power of mighty Shredder and his... pink slug?"
But the new Shredder is a pretty badass gumdrop who inhabits a cyber suit that looks pretty sweet. He goes on a power trip and does everything he can to destroy all Ninja Turtle dimensions by destroying the core dimension, the first incarnations of the ultra violent and Frank Miller-style comic book series. So the gumdrop Shredder gets hold of mutagen (ooze) and starts making an army of mutants as well as raiding the Technodrome to upgrade the Foot Soldiers and turning the Technodrome itself into the Death Star form Star Wars. Whoever wrote this movie must have done all his writing at some nerd convention to have been this 'inspired'.
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So alright the new Shredder is pretty cool and seeing the original turtles kick ass is kick ass but they can't keep a good thing going because they had to shift the environment to a mock classic Ninja Turtle universe. 1980s Donatello makes a dimensional portal out of a flashlight and the four turtles escape a raid on the 2003 ultra hightech lair by transporting themselves into the 1980's universe. Here and I get pissed off again when in the very same minute the classic 1980's heartthrob April O'Neal gets attacked by giant mutant bananas and bowling pins. You read that right and I don't understand it at all either. That same scenario in a more 'adult-orientated' kind of movie would be pretty fun to watch, but this is still a family show so having April O'Neal wrestling with giant phallic symbols doesn't make much sense.
A banana-coat wearing bitch, a giant mutant banana, and a whole lotta lovin How can this kind of shitfest be LEGAL? Isn't this slander or libel or something you can sue for?
Shredder and Krang are just as incompetent as Bebop and Rocksteady. The technology of the classic Ninja Turtles universe is patronized as being simple 'rewiring of flashlights'. The foot soldier robots explode with only a punch.
The movie overglorfies the new trendy and dead serious ninja turtles and they comically crucify the classic Ninja Turtles series by taking the nitpicks of the original cartoon and exaggerating them until I shit a cinderblock on my girlfriend's sofa.
Were the classic turtles comic? Yes but they didn't noogie eachother EVER. Did April O'Neal get kidnapped on a daily basis? Yes but not by evil walking fruits, sports equipment, and LEPRECHAUNS (not making that up)! Were Krang and Shredder incompetent? Yes but they didn't try to kill the Turtles with a TICKLE RAY.
Fine some good points of this Cleveland Steamer I put in my DVD player was that the last part in the final universe was pretty fucking awesome because all TWELVE of the Ninja Turtles kicked a ton of ass against the new Shredder, and even the two Splinters, and the classic Krang and Shredder fought beside our heroes as they battled the new Shredder. And watch for the part where Bebop and Rocksteady accidentally win the fight because I was laughing so hard that a piece of pepperoni pizza came out of my nose. That one scene was the only real nostalgic enjoyment I got out of the movie and that was worth the whole $5 I spent right there.
It's like the last 20 minutes of the movie tries to apologize for the DVDs completely biased and shitty depiction of the 1980's classic Ninja Turtles as being four completely useless assclowns who only make jokes, throw trash cans, and fix machines by hitting them or tying the wires together like shoelaces.
I almost forgave the movie because of its ultra climax with the four black-and-white original badass Ninja Turtles but rewatching this movie to write this Turtles Forever review only makes me hate this movie more. If they didn't intentionally try to crush my childhood under their retarded feet I would have given a thumbs up to other Ninja Turtles fans but now I'm holding my middle fingers to my DVD player.
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BREAK THIS 4TH WALL YOU CHILDHOOD MURDERING BASTARDS!!
But maybe I am being the biased one? Get off your ass and rent this movie for yourself and make up your own mind. If you can score this film off of Netflix or some cheap alternative then I'd tell you go for it.
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:52 pm Posts: 2149 Location: The Frozen Chozen
hahahahah, this looks awesome. keep it coming.
_________________
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal
But I can watch a shitty Arnold S. movie and get a kick out of it for the mindless bullshit that it takes a lot to make my piss boil.
Like stomping all over my childhood heroes just to promote some trendier rehash of the same product. My case in point is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Forever.
So it is safe to assume that this movie stomped all over your childhood heroes and brought your piss to a boil? =)
Join your host, Kenny Farino, explore the world of video games music remixes and earn a new appreciation for video game music, video game music remixes, and of video game music remixers!
But I can watch a shitty Arnold S. movie and get a kick out of it for the mindless bullshit that it takes a lot to make my piss boil.
Like stomping all over my childhood heroes just to promote some trendier rehash of the same product. My case in point is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Forever.
So it is safe to assume that this movie stomped all over your childhood heroes and brought your piss to a boil? =)
Well done! I was and am a fan of the 80s turtles too. I grew up watching them and my brother was a HUGE fan at the time. HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO OUR CHILDHOOD YOU BASTARDS!!!
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:54 am Posts: 1936 Location: Virginia
I am happy happy happy that this was an entertaining read! However, some parts confused me, like "they had to shift to a mock-classic Ninja Turtles setting", or the part about mutant bananas and bowling pins attacking April. Why did that happen, exactly? o3o
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Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:52 pm Posts: 2149 Location: The Frozen Chozen
awesome read ritos.
_________________
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal
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