10 MOVIES TO TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN!

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10 MOVIES TO TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN!

Everyone remembers being a child and being traumatized by what are now only insignificant memories. Like the first time you learned that your grandmas and grandpas are your mom and dad's mom and dad. And then like ten years later when you learn about sex and you get the first mental image of your grand parents doing the nasty in their cement nuclear bomb shelter as their now long dead dog Roscoe watches on.

Or what about your first time using the internet in a public library when you accidentally wander upon a Golden Girls fan fiction story that involved Bea Arthur, a jar of Skippy peanut butter -crunchy of course-, Burt Reynolds, and the dog from Benji the Hunted? What memories you have of trying to explain to the 90 year old librarian that you were researching oral hygiene after you clicked PRINT?

THESE ARE PRICELESS LEARNING EXPERIENCES!!

These horrific memories shape us into the outstanding conformist drone ants we are today so why would you not take an active roll in shaping the futures of your own children? Do you not want to shatter their innocence and not provide for their future well-being in our conformist and unimaginative culture? Or is it that you do not know where to start your child's journey down a path of revelation?

NEVER FEAR FOR I AM HERE WITH A LIST OF MOVIES THAT WILL STILL GIVE THEM THE REEDUCATION THEY DESERVE!

10
THE BLACK CAULDRON - a heart warming Disney animated movie about a pig who is treated better than the boy who is his pig keeper. The pig is abducted by giant evil pterodactyls who take him to The Horned King who looks like the bastard child of Satan and the Angel of Death. The Horned King tries to find a black cauldron in order to make an army of dead corpses to kill the living. The Cauldron is hidden by three hyper-sexed grannies who have frog fetishes.

The Black Cauldron has several valuable life lessons to teach your child.
P.M.S.ING GIRLS NEVER CRAWL BACK UNDER THE ROCK THEY CAME OUT FROM.
MEN WHO PLAY HARPS ARE GAY.
GRANDMA ISN'T KISSING YOU. SHE IS SEEING WHAT YOU WOULD TASTE LIKE.
PIGS WILL SEE THE FUTURE WHEN YOU HOLD THEIR HEADS UNDER WATER. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

To get the optimal traumatic experience out of this movie for your child you will simply need to tell your child that The Black Cauldron was based on a true story and that three blocks from your house is a graveyard and a kitchen crockery shop.


9
WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? - a heart warming film about cartoons in real life where cartoon characters can die horrible deaths in vats of acid made by a highway developer. A mean fat hairy cop is defending the most annoying cartoon character ever made who is married to the hottest cartoon character ever made.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? has valuable life lessons for your child.
DON'T KNOCK BESTIALITY UNTIL YOU TRY IT
JESSICA RABBIT GIVES ADULTS FUNNY FEELINGS DOWN THERE TOO.
MEAN FAT HAIRY MEN WHO DRINK A LOT MAKE GOOD FRIENDS.
FREEWAYS WERE PAVED ON THE CORPSES OF 1000 CARTOON CHARACTERS.

To get the optimal traumatic experience out of this movie for your child simply replay the final scenes of Judge Doom being killed and the green slime pouring out of the empty eye sockets of his rubber face. WHEEE!!


8
RETURN TO OZ - a heart warming sequel to the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is chased by rollerblading demons and a headless crazy woman who has a room full of human heads that scream at her as she runs past. Dorothy is accompanied by a talking clock, a pumpkin headed monster, and a flying couch with a moose head.

Return to OZ has a valuable life lesson.
DRUGS ARE AWESOME.

To get the best out of this film for your children play Return to Oz immediately after they watch The Wizard of Oz. That way they realize that life is not just sunshine and Skittles.


7
WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY - a heart warming tale of a rich and famous man who can kill people because he is rich and famous. He gets people into his candy factory and systematically kills them off without fear of punishment. Basically it is AMERICAN PSYCHO WITH CHOCOLATE INSTEAD OF SEX. And with a nightmare tunnel.

Willy Wonka has valuable life lessons.
RICH PEOPLE ARE ABOVE THE LAW.
MIDGETS ARE ALWAYS FUNNY.
IF A MAN GIVES YOU CHOCOLATE AND WANTS TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING RUN YOUR FUCKING STUBBY LITTLE LEGS OFF!!

Fat children will get the biggest benefit from Willy Wonka.


6
BATMAN BEYOND RETURN OF THE JOKER UNRATED - the heart warming tale of a closet homosexual who wears a tight black costume for an old man who used to wear tight black costumes. A killer clown appears in town and starts killing people with a bunch of other circus performers who dress like closet homosexuals. The killer clown also graphically tortured the old man's boy toy 40 years ago and drove him completely crazy.

Return of the Joker has important life lessons.
STAY AWAY FROM OLD MEN WHO WANT YOU TO DRESS UP FOR THEM.
ALL CLOWNS ARE EVIL.
GUNS KILL. EVEN TOY GUNS. ESPECIALLY TOY GUNS.

To get the biggest benefit from Batman Beyond wait until you secure tickets to a local Shriner Circus.


5
BAMBI - the heart warming tale of a little retarded dear who is friends with an ADHD rabbit named Thumper and a stinky black stereotype named Flower. Bambi's dad is a deadbeat who the court gave custody to because Bambi's bimbo mom was killed.

Bambi has an important life lesson.
SHIT HAPPENS. LIFE SUCKS. DEAL WITH IT.

To get the biggest benefit out of Bambi for your child let them watch it multiple times. That way they learn that no matter what they do Bambi's mom will always die and that they need to harden the fuck up.


4
E.T. - the heart warming tale of an neck stretching phallic symbol looking alien that attacks children in corn fields, eats their toys, cross dresses, and rises from the dead like a zombie. At the end he takes the kids' flower -he deflowers them?- and runs away into space leaving everyone crying.

But E.T. does have important life lessons.
IF YOU RUN FROM THE POLICE THEY WONT SHOOT YOU.
LET ALIENS INSIDE YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT 'STRANGERS'.
CALLING HOME REQUIRES AN UMBRELLA, A FORK, A SAW BLADE, AND A DESOLATE FOREST.
BOBA FETT IS THE SHIT!

To get your children to benefit the most from this movie hide in your child's closet with your wife's glow in the dark dildo tied to your fist. Phone home little Timmy. Phone home.


3
WATER SHIP DOWN - a cute heart warming tale of talking bunny rabbits who live, love, fight, claw, kill, murder, get torn apart by a dog, and suffocated by bulldozers crushing the earth of their rabbit holes down on top of their little heads.

But it does have an environmental message.
PEOPLE ARE EVIL.
AND SO ARE DOGS.
AND BUNNIES TOO.

To get the most out of this film try showing this to your children the day before Easter Sunday and tell them that the Easter Bunny is coming when they go to sleep.

2
THE PLAGUE DOGS - another cute heart warming tale of talking animals being tortured and killed for shits and giggles. The Plague Dogs is about two dogs who are repeatedly drowned and resuscitated and undergo repeated brain surgery in a shady laboratory before they escape from the lab and are being hunted by every person on earth

Just like Water Ship Down -who shares the same eco-wacko author- The Plague Dogs has an environmental message.
PEOPLE ARE EVIL AND CRUEL.
DOGS ARE NOT AS EVIL AS BEFORE.
BUNNIES ARE STILL MURDEROUS LITTLE FUCKERS.

To get the most out of this film show it to your little knee-biters the next time they ask for a dog.


1
CALIGULA - the heart warming tale of a king who liked to have a lot of kissing parties and every body loved every one because -just like the CARE BEARS taught us- love is good.

Caligula has an important educational message.
SHARING IS CARING.

To get the full benefit of this movie have your VHS copy of Caligula set to play in the middle of the movie and leave it inside of a favorite Disney VHS cover.

just... wow...

Title is a bit mis-leading since you have a couple of live-action flicks in there, but that's a pretty accurate list right there. Return to Oz seriously gave me nightmares when I was younger, because of those damn wheelers. And I was definitely too young to be watching Watership Down, when I first saw it.

Gremlins is also worth a mention, with its cute little Firby creatures turning into devilish monsters.

This list can also be listed as: "10 Movies to Traumatize Your Full-Grown Kenny"

I changed the title and did some major spelling corrections for you Fishboy.

Your #1 is......... shocking to say the least. But I could see how it could traumatize a child....... you know, it being a big XXX orgy movie and all..........

Swordfish is bat-shit-loco.
But the Bambi one made me chuckle.

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The series is dedicated to analyzing and eviscerating tasteless low-budged B-grade knock-offs of more popular and expensive Hollywood flicks - Mockbusters. CineMax is an amateur, yet aspiring movie critic, who makes comedic video reviews, writes insightful and analytical articles, and, occasionally just blabbers about stuff he deems important.

x swordfish x wrote a review

I remember going to Gremlins with my parents when it first came to theaters.
Do you remember the scene from Gremlins 2 with the mother dragging her child out of the theater and being angry with one of the theater workers? That was just like us.

Haha, such a great bit of self-referential humour. And of course, we can thank Gremlins for the creation of the PG-13 rating.

I dont recall ever hearing of the top 3 from that list

I did see the Roger Rabbit film when it was in theaters, its a vague memory but I do remember being scare of the judge at the end. To the point I actually hid down behind the seats in front of us in the theater, I think it took me a few years before I could watch the film again and not get that knot in my stomach.