E3 2011

http://www.e3expo.com/
Nintendo, Xbox and Playstation battle for your dollars on July 7, 8 and 9th.
So what is everyone looking forward to next week at E3 2011?

I have been waiting to see how the Witcher 2 will turn out, and there are rumors of the next Zelda game making its debut this year at the Nintendo press conference. Speaking of press conferences Sony booked a 5 hour press conference. They probably need 4 of those hours just to apologize for the security hacks last month.

I'll forget I read that. Even though it might be right....

I usually follow E3 like a hawk, but this year I really don't give a shit. It's all too predictable. Here's my Johnny Carson's Carnac predictions of how E3's "Big 3" will turn out:

Nintendo: 3 hours of waiting to see a new Zelda game, but instead you'll see charts and graphs, old people playing baseball until they forget what they're doing, two couples playing dirty swinger games, and Wii workout bullshit with finger heartrate analyzers. We MIGHT get news on a Wii 2, the 2 Wii, or the "DP", or something, but we still won't see a working model for 2 more years unless they decided to recycle parts from the previous console (AGAIN). Wii 2 controller will have a screen in the controller itself because nothing makes more sense than playing a Wii connected to your big screen tv with a fucking Gameboy. Zelda will be announced for the 25th anniversary, but there won't be much of a finished product because Nintendo only recently realized that their fans wanted a fucking GOOD game and not a fucking freebie internet flash game sold to them for $30 a pop.

Microsoft: 3 hours of American Idol-esque hype with lots of videos of hipsters playing video games instead of drinking Starbucks in an Old Navy store. It'll be one huge "yup, we're cool, and we're so cool that we have to tell you WHY we're cool!" There will be PSN outage jokes out the ass from the biggest asses in the business. Will probably see new Gears of War and Halo games because they don't have any other popular exclusive franchises to milk. And they'll release the 5th version of the Xbox 360, painted gunmetal gray and with an extra 20GB of storage and a Blu-Ray player (because no one needs the hardware of a PS3, except the Microsoft hardware development team *COUGH* HDMI HI-DEF PORTS IN NEW MODELS *COUGH*).

Sony: Only 2 of the 5 hours will be spent groveling to their fans for fucking up the security on their servers, allowing hackers to get the credit card information for millions of users, and thus pulling the plug on PS3 gamers, including the first month of MY MORTAL FUCKING KOMBAT!! Oh, and Portal 2, too. The 3rd hour will be an apology for being the hardasses to the development community who started hacking their PS3s to get back all of the lost functionality that Sony was removing in order to stop the hacking... wait, WHAT?? 4th hour spent telling everyone of the great games coming in 2 years that will be major disappointments (except for any titles including "God", "Planet", "Uncharted", "2" or "3"). The 5th and final hour will be dedicated to the GPS, GYP, OB-GYN, or whatever the double-touchscreen "pinchy PSP" will be titled, why you need to spend $350 on it, and why it's not going to be a colossal failure to customers like the PSP Go, or a colossal failure to game developers like the original PSP.

TA-FUCKING-DA. E3 2011 in a goddamn nutshell. I just saved you 10-15 hours of your life.

Where can I send the six-pack?

To my address, packed nice in tight within a big box and padded with packing peanuts made entirely of Monster Khaos energy drink and cocaine.

It's sad when most of the good stuff is coming from third parties.

I mean Nintendo have been using thier own backcatalogue since forever, Sony have been eaten up and have barely any exclusives, and Microsoft have the last great developer working on kinect games and wasting everyone's time.

Arkham city news is literally all that holds my attention. That and any sudden resurgence from Telltale.

@B-mask. Telltale has been good to me lately with the Back to the Future games, plus my fond memories of the Sam & Max and Monkey Island games. Are they going to announce anything new at E3?

They're real wild cards so I have no idea if they've got something new cooking. Would be great if the next season of Tales of Monkey Island was in the works, or even a brand new propert-oh, wait...they've got Jurassic Park on the way right now. I have no idea how that one will turn out, I know it's going to have a new kind of gameplay style though.

It looks like E3 is a real monkey in LM's ass. It was a good laugh while it lasted but I wonder how all three of those companies will be dealing with the rise of the dollar app games like Angry Birds.

Netbox is apparrently a thing now for Mircosoft, so essentially they're release a new last gen console :V

Wii 2 also confirmed as being tentatively available next year. Normally, as an avid gamer, I appreciate the 'innovative' lengths Ninty go to, but seriously now, does the idea of a screen in the middle of your new controller with a touch sensitive tablet aspect sounds stupid to anyone else?

I can tell you now, it'll be fucking heavy. And cost more than the console.

@Alphawolf you're right, we used to laugh at mobile gaming but it's really taking off simply because it's easier to get to and cheaper. Why innovate when your phone does all your DS can do- at a cheaper price on a more convenient device.

And fuck, let's not stop there. Nintendo is STILL making games for the DS as well as the 3DS, so why bother with the latter when the former can be found for $50 now?