LaughingMan's e3 2009 Impressions

e3 2009 - Nintendo Conference - Impressions

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Conference begins

Am I the only person in the world who HATES Cammy Dunaway? Goddamn, nothing says ‘Nintendo’ than and old broad blabbing on and on about Nintendo’s achievements and goals. Sweet bitter fuck I feel like I’m back in Junior High history class, being forced to listen to something I could care less about by a woman who is old enough that she probably witnessed it all first hand.

Mario on the Wii: “Miyamoto wanted to find a way to play Mario like never before.” So presenting Mario on the Wii (again), WITH 4 PLAYER! Fucking whoop. Super Mario Bros 1 with 4 players: Mario, Luigi, Toad and…. Toad. And of course Cammy-saurus Rex is faking fun on the game like a goddamned orgasm.

“Nintendo: Your mom will love it!”

“Players will be lining up to play Miyamoto’s latest masterpiece.”

‘Masterpiece?!’ It’s not a goddamn masterpiece when you REHASH an original. It would be like baking an award winning cake, then letting four people actually eat it. Fuck that.

Damn, this bitch can lie with a straight face… though I have yet to see any more emotion out of her than a sea sponge. She’s like the opposite of Hiliary Clinton’s Botox-enduced rigor-mortis smile.

Wii-Fit, same shit as last year and the year before, but now with a locker room…

Reggie: “Here to kick ass and … show charts!!” Rehash, rehash, rehash…

Reggie: “Whoa… Déjà vu? This shit all looks the same as last year.”

I feel it too, Reggie…

Wii-Motion Plus: ANOTHER ACCESSORY TO BUY!

Lots of images of people playing pretend sports, BUT NO FUCKING GAMES OF THE FUCKING THING IN ACTION!

… Spoke too soon.

The archery game looks pretty fun.

Bowser’s Internal Story?? An RPG where Mario and Luigi shrink down and are INGESTED by Bowser? They have to examine his ‘internal pipes’??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SMOKING?!

Woman’s Murder Club = HOLY SHIT A GAME FOR GIRLS THAT DOESN’T INVOVLVE TEH PINK HORSEZ!! ITS MURDER!

Style Savvy: “Expanded fashion in Japan.” I always thought that having ‘the fashion sense of a Japanese woman’ was a BAD THING.

DSi = “Ever try to squeeze water from a rock? Ever try to squeeze water from a Nintendo DS?” Christ, how many types of DSs do average people buy?? You only need one!!

Cammy: “People play games, but also CREATE and SHARE.” PLAY, CREATE, AND SHARE sounds familiar… where did I hear it… Oh yeah, LittleBigPlanet (PS3).

What the fuck is this thing anyways? This DSi animator, FlipNoteStudio, looked like a bad trip I had with weed.

WarioWare DIY: Everybody is jumping on the LittleBigPlanet bandwagon of user created content. Not a bad thing, mind you. The most original ideas come from JoeBlow users.

Does anybody else remember the GameBoy Camera? …No? Didn’t think so. Just asking. NOOOOO RELEVANCE TO THIS CONFERENCE WHAT SO EVER.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks = FUCK YES! ‘BOUT DAMNED TIME WE GOT MORE ZELDA. NOW BRING IT TO THE WII YOU FUCKHEADS! … HEY?! NO TRAILER?!

Satoru Iwata: He needs to have a giant ‘CENSORED’ block over his whole body for being a walking stereotype. I don’t know which one is funnier, him or Kim Jong Il from ‘Team America: World Police”. I want to see Satoru-san say, “Be vewy vewy quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.”

… Please stop talking…

*skipping ahead*

Wii Vitality Sensor: … So what the hell is this thing supposed to DO??? Does it pull your finger and make you fart? Is it used for ‘handicapped’ men to masturbate with? What does it DO?

Fuck, back to Cammy. I used to think that Cammy was a sexy name (Street Fighter). Now, not so much. I’m losing my sexual fixation on the name Cammy just like The Rocky Horror Picture Show killed my fetish for stockings and high heels.

At least they can’t fuck up Mario… much.

*sees Mario in a Bee-suit*

… Nevermind…

Reggie is recapping all the highpoints of the conference: Super Mario Galaxy 2, Zelda, … … … … Stuff already out… …

Reggie: “A new IP from Sega that you have heard before.” That’s like some Back to the Future logic, right?

The Conduit: meh, is presented too much like a Summer blockbuster movie with the flashing words and the background chorus.

Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicle = House of the Dead.

Deadspace Extraction = House of the Dead (in space)

“Could a new, edgier game be coming from Nintendo?” Looking at your history… no.

But wait!

METROID: Other M = HOLY CRAP! Ninja Gaiden (in space)!

Conference closes.

And the crowd wakes up.

e3 2009 - Microsoft Conference - Impressions

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The Beatles Anime! Nothing says plastic toy guitars like The Beatles in a Japanese cartoon. I was, however, waiting to hear Eleanor Rigby … no luck, just an acid trip of marching flamingos, rhino-phants and drums.

Alex and Van = Cosmo Cramer’s gay Dago cousin and, just a Dago.

Commence Beatles history channel special. Top it all off with grown men playing with plastic instruments and singing badly. “He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. He said ‘yeah yeah yeah’. She said ‘yeah yeah yeah’…”

Sorry, I’m an Elvis man.

Jesus Christ, the singer on the left is the Bill Gates clone they grew in a test tube from a sample they found in one of his tube socks!

I wonder if they will include Mark David Chapman as the last level of The Beatles Rockband game? (I’m already going to Hell, so I can say it.)

“I am the walrus. Ku ku kachu.” – That honestly freaked me out… scary acid-trip shit.

AH! Kim Jong Il!!!... Oh wait… Yoko Ono… AAAHHHHHH!!!!

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr walk out. Sweet! They’re walking out…
“Game looks good, mate. Good graphics.”
“Don’t know why we’re here, really.”
“We love your money.”
…And walking off… Such inspirational words to future plastic-toy musicians… fuck.

John Schappert. “We’re not going to show you charts and graphs about sales figures… REGGIE!” I hate this guy’s voice. So nasal and snooty, like those parodies of rich snobby people.

Tony Hawk unveils his 234234325th skate boarding game and… a skateboard controller? A platform you stand on and it sends data to a video game… AND NINTENDO FANS AREN’T BITCHING?? I can’t wait until some dumb shit masters the Tony Hawk Ride game, then breaks his ass trying to jump something on a REAL skateboard. To be honest, though, it does look more fun than Wii Fit. I mean, which is funner: Skateboarding or Yoga? It really bothers me when the REAL skateboard superstars fake their excitement on a big plastic video game controller.

Modern Warfare 2 trailer: FUN!
Modern Warfare 2 gameplay: …mountain climbing? The AI looks abysmal, and with the ‘Aliens’ motion tracker it will be like shooting fish in a barrel. Finally starts picking up the pace and my faith for MW2 is now restored. Player almost pulled a Sonny Bono on a snowmobile. Everyone claps. Yay!

Final Fantasy XIII: “We shocked the world when we said FFXIII would come to Xbox 360” Yeah, no shit. Showing gameplay. Wow, a black guy who is comic relief and whose afro is a birds nest. Nothing racist there. Graphics look sweet, and the gameplay is pretty interesting. Odin is badass, as always.
I can’t get enough of “Ex-ah Bahks-ah”. Too funny.

Epic Games: Wow, tons of problems with the audio. Nice shirt of Bill Gates’s mugshots.
Shadow Complex: Looks and plays like Metroid. Is it just me or did the game bug-out at the end. The character was stuck in the middle of the air so they cut it short. Nothing that impressive anyways.

Joy Ride: looks like the PSP game Grip Shift… like EXACTLY. I have a feeling Sony will wipe the floor with their new racer(s)…

Crackdown 2: Will pass after playing Crackdown 1.

Left 4 Dead 2: Hurricane Katrina!!

Splinter Cell Conviction: SWEET CRAP! I WANT! It’s like Metal Gear Solid, except REALISTIC! My only gripe is that it looks like they are mimicking the sandbox of Assassin’s Creed.

Forza 3: We brought our own car! “With 400 cars…we are the biggest racing game of this generation… until Sony announces Gran Turismo for the PSP which has 800!” The car customization looks sweet, but I’d probably end up making a car with stick figure details…

Bungie
Halo 3 ODST: “Finish The Fight… Again.”
“Any fans of the Halo 1 pistol out there?”
“Audience: “There was a pistol?”
“Then you’ll love this one!”
*shoots enemy with a pistol… just like every other FPS*
Never fails: Aliens can never shoot for shit.
TOP SECRET PROJECT: Another Halo!… joking. …Oh wait, they weren’t? Everybody clap at teh graffix of teh trailer.

SHOW US ALAN WAKE FOR FUCKS SAKE!! FUCK YES!!! DAY 1 PURCHASE!
Is it just me or does this whole game have the same premise (and possibly same OUTCOME) as Silent Hill 2?
I hope this game has a way to TURN OFF the book narration.
Aren’t the shadow-demons townspeople? Would make a good twist if the demons were all in your head, but you were killing REAL people.

Xbox Live is getting Last.FM radio. Not sure what it is exactly, but sounds alright, if you like radio… Netflix is now streaming videos to the Xbox. UK and Ireland are getting can now stream cricket matches! Now movies can be downloaded at 1080p: Download a 50 GB movie in… a week. Fuck that, I’ll buy the disk and watch it in 5 minutes and never have to DL the fucker again or have it eat my whole hard drive. Facebook on Xbox Live, whoopee…

Felicia Day: Is NOT hot. No, she isn’t. Everyone thinks she is, but no, she’s not. People like her because she’s a gamer with tits… sort of… very small ones. She can’t talk for shit either. Sounds like she’s trying to talk while giving her WiiMote a blowjob. Judging by the way she is standing so rigid, you don’t even want to know where the nunchuck is.

Twitter: The stupidest thing ever. Blogging x Texting = Wasting everyone else’s life by constantly talking about your own in short incoherent sentences.

Hideo Kojima announces Metal Gear Solid: Rising for Xbox 360 and PS3. Everone was going crazy… until they announced it was starring Raiden. Things got a bit quieter after that. Still, Microsoft is making the whole affair of MGS coming to Xbox like they stole the next MGS from Sony, instead of just it coming to the Xbox AND PS3. Meh, they pulled the same PR bullshit when FFXIII was announced. And they say that Sony is arrogant.

Playstation Eye… er- Xbox ‘Natal’: Looks interesting, but how much do we want to bet half of these cool things will never see the light of day. They never did for the Playstation Eye. “Will work with every Xbox we have sold, and every Xbox we will sell in the future.” Wow, you discovered USB ports… So, how about the damned thing working for some Xbox GAMES?

Steven Spielberg (?) : Raped Indiana Jones with George Lucas.
“Microsoft isn’t about re-inventing the wheel, it is about no wheel at all”? That makes sense. “We aren’t about making great games, we’re about making no games at all.”

Showing off Natal avatar control: “Ever see the bottom of an avatar’s shoe? Bam!” *avatar gets bent into an inhuman shape* Needs more work.
“This isn’t a game where you sit on the sofa using preset waggle commands” *crowd BOOS*

Using Natal to paint a picture with Paint Party:
“Here’s the sky” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s a cloud.” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s some mountains” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s the ground” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s some dirt texture” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s some treelines” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s a tree in the foreground” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s some palm leaves” *tosses digital paint at random*
“Here’s the elephant. I need help Abby” *they do Karma Sutra*
Result: Looks like a retarded kid ate paint and then had the shits.

“Experiences that can’t be done on any other console” Except Sony that has been doing it since the Playstation EyeToy for the PS2. People believe anything.

Milo: A 3D boy that you can interact with using the Natal. Kinda creepy. It would be interesting to see what would happen if you psychologically damage the virtual boy, though. *A JOKE, Jesus…* If you did Milo would probably drown you in the river you play in. Of course a ‘select audience’ gets to talk to Milo in the demo.

The BS keeps rolling to the very end: “Microsoft is now home to … all hit franchises.”

Umm… Still a lot to tackle, moron. Sure you have all of the 3rd party franchises now but guess what? Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid hit GameCube and Wii before you (Snake = Smash Bros.)
You're still a damned long ways before you get 'all' major franchises, especially first party titles that made Nintendo and Playstation such distinct brands: Mario, Metroid, Zelda, Pokemon, Ratchet & Clank, Jack & Daxter, SOCOM, God of War, Gran Turismo, Uncharted, Motorstorm, Team ICO projects, Kingdom Hearts, Castlevania, Dragon Quest?
Shit, the only Mega Man game you have is Mega Man 9. Don't be crowning yourselves as 'King Console' until you develop more hit franchises than just Halo and Gears of War.

e3 2009 - Sony Conference - Impressions

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Introduced to the song “One Vision” by Queen (Better than Beatles, in my not-so-humble opinion)

Jack Tretton: Making some ackward jokes about the PSP Go! being leaked early. WHOOPSIE! Not really that great of an announcement anyways…
“We are industry leaders at Playstation and press leaks are no exception”
I actually like Jack Tretton, he’s more humble and self-aware than any other Sony spokesman, like Kaz.

“Why Playstation will continue to be the mainstay of this industry"… behind Nintendo.

“Only provider with three successful consoles at once.” Funny, I see the PS2, but why the PS3 and PSP? ZING!

Rehashing the fact that PS3 is getting a lot of the same big titles that Xbox is getting.
Kind of feels like they’re playing the role of the annoying younger sibling that always goes “I want to come too!”

Charts and graphs and successful techniques used by Nintendo at their conferences. *SARCASM*

Naughty Dog and Uncharted 2: WOW… I honestly can’t knock this. This looks pretty rad- no, even MORE rad than the first. (yes, I’m so excited over it I’m using 1990’s slang).
I love how Uncharted is ‘self-aware’:
Chick: “Are we going to have to climb?”
Nate: “Yeah, that’s usually what happens…”
HOLY SHIT, ATTACK CHOPPA!! GO! GET AWAY FROM DA CHOPPA!!
TEH BUILDING ARE FALLING! OMG!
Crowd goes wild. I peed a little.

MAG – 256 player FPS game.
Crowd is pretty stoked when they show how many people ‘256 people’ are on the screen.
Game looks pretty tight (as in ‘well designed’). Sweet crap, the maps are huge. How long are these missions going to last? With respawn it would probably take HOURS to finish an online match. I’m out, I can’t play online for that long. Still looks badass for the online crowd.

PSP – more charts and graphs. Blah blah ‘Skype and internet radio’ blah blah ‘franchises’… “Richer, deeper portable experience the PSP has no equal.” Yeah, the DS is more successful and the iPhone does everything a PSP does, plus make phone calls.

Hannah Montana bundle w/ lilac PSP!! Crowd goes crazy (but WHY I have no clue. I'm guessing it's because every day she gets closer to being 18 and legal to post for Playboy?).

Kaz Hirai: Something about this guy kind of rubs me the wrong way. Thanks to YouTube and the 2006 e3, every time I see him I think “Riiiiiiiidge Racer!” He also seems like a used car salesman in my eye. He is also the greatest 'bringer of bad news'.

Unveils PSP Go! (Kaz: “Worst Kept Secret of E3”).
I’m not sold. I like my PSP, I don’t want to be like those people who buy every Nintendo DS that comes out. Besides, I don’t think I could HACK the PSP Go! and download free games- er! I mean, I won’t be able to emulate old SNES and Sega games- er! I mean, I don’t run custom firmware because I respect digital copyright laws (sometimes).

New media manager for the PSP. Boooriiiiing.

“We are going to lower the price of the PSP…”
YES!!
“… toolkit.”
FUCK YOU!!

PSP GO! Price: TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY BUCKS??? For a watered down PSP? A PSP that doesn't have a UMD drive (as worthless as it is, I think) still costs more than a NORMAL PSP?
Thank you again, Kaz, for your uncanny ability to keep a straight face when you drop price bombs.

Video Delivery Service: Updated to be accessible via PSP. Finally. No more BS using a PC or PS3 as a middleman. New content from major cable television stations AND more movies. Best of all, you just pay for the videos, no monthly fees for Xbox Live AND Netflix.

Gran Turismo for PSP: Rejoice GT fans! … 800 cars?!?!! FUCK YEAH!

Hideo Kojima announces Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker for the PSP. Kojima stressed that he is heavily involved in this game, as well as the MGS4 team. It is not a spinoff or a sidestory, but a legit chapter in the MGS Saga.
I think it’s strange that he didn’t make mention of any of that during the Microsoft convention… interesting. Reading up on it later it turns out that Kojima isn't heavily involved in the next Xbox and PS3 MGS game.
Game looks alright, but I hope it plays like a real MGS game instead all the other MGS games for the PSP like AC!D (card game??) IT’S MULTIPLAYER?? NICE!

PSP getting lots of big-name titles like Resident Evil, LittleBigPlanet, Hannah Montana *crowd goes nuts again… buncha pedophiles…*

Collage of games coming to the PSP. Lotta first party stuff. Devs are probably still being conservative, which sucks because there’s a lot of games I would like them to make so I can download them for free *sarcasm*

More charts and graphs of the PSN… yawn.

Showing off how ‘hip’ Playstation Home is… but we know better… to be fair though, more ‘spaces’ have helped Home out a lot recently, but 95% of the problems still remain (lines, poor games, stupid people, inability to throw a brick at the avatars of forementioned stupid people)

Montage of PS3 games. Yay, ADHD… Goddamn this is a long ass video…

Assassin’s Creed 2: Wasn’t a fan of the first because it was so damned repetitive. This one looks a little more ‘polished’, especially how they cut down the ‘target assassination cinematic’ to like a whole 5 seconds instead of 5 goddamn minutes. Nothing worse than having the guy you STABBED THROUGH THE HEAD start yacking to you about the underlying consequences of your actions and political bullshit.
The double-wristblade kill made the whole crowd gasp in sadistic glee. I ‘squeed’ too.
Leonardo DaVinci helps the assassin? What the hell is up with DaVinci being in every fucking religious-themed movie/game?

Final Fantasy XIII – Holy crap it does look amazing. The black guy is still ‘rayzist’.
Would be nicer if they showed more GAMEPLAY than cinema scenes… Fucking Square is probably making the Gameplay to Cinema Scene ratio 2:5…
*sarcasm* “The game is 20 hours, with over 18 hours of CGI Cinematics!” Fuckers.

FINAL FANTASY XIV (14)??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s an MMO? FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Playstation Motion Controller + Playstation Eye = HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS INSANE!!!!!!!!!
… still looks like a dildo…
Sorry Xbox, but this looks more useful to Gamers than talking to a virtual boy like some creepy guy behind the Mall. Jack Thompson would probably call Milo a ‘pedophile simulator’. Wahaha.
If they made a medieval game where you could use weapons like they were real, I’m sold.

Disney is coming to LittleBigPlanet… eh, not bad. A Jack Sparrow Sackboy would be fun.

Mod Nation Racers – Eat shit, Joy Ride (Xbox)!!
Make your own characters, cars, and race tracks with a few clicks. Add mountains, lakes, and SHEEP!!!

Last Guardian (TRICO) Just a trailer, but it looks phenomenal. If this game is like Shadow of the Colossus, it will be a must-have. Just from the trailer alone you can tell that this game has that spark, that ‘soul’ that is in all of Team ICOs games. It looks like the touching tale of a boy and his dog-bird-camel, that seems set up to end bitter-sweet like Old Yeller.

Gran Turismo 5 – Not a fan of racing games (realistic ones, anyways… Extreme G 64, baby!!), but this one might be too good to pass up. It’s just a trailer though. THEY LICENSED NASCAR?? GT5 just sold another million copies to the NASCAR die hards. I wonder if the collector's edition will include a Budweiser hat...

God of War III – FUCKIN’ A! Kratos is as badass as ever!
Meh, still a ton of excessive platforming and puzzlesolving…
THAT THING IS A TITAN?! IT’S MASSIVE!
HOLY CRAP HE JUST MASSIVELY FUCKED UP THAT CENTAUR!
YEAH, TAKE DOWN THAT … Greek-Monster-Thing and –
Demo is over? Fuck that! You don’t cut your biggest game short, assholes! Kratos demands respect!!!

Leave ‘em wanting more, I guess…

“Thank you for your support over the years” See that? Sony, being humble. Nice isn’t it?

Sony and Xbox did a pretty good job at their conferences but Nintendo's was EXACTLY how you described it. Talk talk talk, show a useless gadget, and no games I want to play except the new Metroid game. And yeah, that old lady pretending to orgasm while playing a SMB1 remake was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

Maybe at next year's e3 they will do something GOOD.

-AX

I'll let it slide, because it was funnier than hell.