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Review by Neuroscientist : April 10, 2013
With a long development cycle and the chance of a gaming experience as rich as the original, Bioshock Infinite had a lot to live up to. Spectacularly it does.
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Review by Neuroscientist : February 1, 2013
Bioware’s Mass Effect 3 or thatgamecompany’s Journey. Like Tolkien’s Lord of Rings or Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Like Holst’s Planets or Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Like HBO’s Game of Thrones or Miyazaki’s Spirited Away. The jaw-dropping epic or the superlative jewel.
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Review by sonicguru : December 3, 2012
Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed (S&ASRT)features many new mechanics and improvements from the last game, but the most notable new mechanic is that, at certain points in a race, vehicles can alternate between car, boat and plane modes.
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Review by vivvav : December 2, 2012
As a clone of Super Smash Bros., PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale is different enough for it to be worth checking out if you're interested in it. As a game on its own, it's a solid fighter, with hours of replayability and a combat system that, while not perfect, works pretty well.
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Review by Neuroscientist : November 6, 2012
Every once in a while a game comes out that is quite different from its peers. The Unfinished Swan is certainly a game that in terms of story and gameplay is unlike anything we have seen before. It is Giant Sparrow's first game, and if their future releases are to be as experimental as the first and second chapters of their game (which has four in total), then we can expect much more to look forward to from them.
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Review by LaughingMan : October 13, 2012
From the neon colors, to the cheesy Skeletor/Shredder-like villain, to an incredible period-inspired soundtrack, Double Dragon Neon is a nostalgic (if not over-the-top) look back at 1980s children's entertainment. It's a decent beat'em up, as well.
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Review by vivvav : October 6, 2012
This is NOT a game for the uninitiated. This is a game for the fans, and if you're not a fan, it's not even going to pretend that you have any business here.
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Review by Kenny Farino : October 6, 2012
The improved graphics are breathtaking to behold at times (at least for being on the DS), the story has 'matured' along with its audience by adding an element of morality into the mix, and the music keeps the adrenaline pumping as you fight your way through hoardes of trainers in your quest to become a Pokemon Master. With tons of other features that I barely even began to discuss, Pokemon Black and White is like a dream come true for Pokemon fans; it is a more 'evolved' experience.
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Review by Kenny Farino : September 13, 2012
Although Final Fantasy 2 is still widely considered the black sheep of its series, that makes it far from a bad game (it's great, in fact), and it is one of the most underrated games in RPG history.
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Review by b-mask : September 5, 2012
The original Ratchet and Clank trilogy is still very popular for those growing up in the Playstation 2 era, but does the new collection prove their lastability? From Drek, to Quark, to Cross, to Nefarious, B-mask plays through them all to see if they hold their ranking.
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Review by Kenny Farino : August 8, 2012
This new article series, called iOS Rundown, is going to be all about iOS games, since a lot of them don't warrant full-blown reviews on their own (either due to very simple story and/or gameplay, or due to me not having enough to say about them in general). With that said, this installment is talking about the recently-released Manos: The Hands of Fate, and the nostalgic Don Bluth opus Dragon's Lair (as well as its sequel, Space Ace, and BrainDead 13, since they all have the same type of gameplay and flaws).
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Review by Neuroscientist : August 5, 2012
Even though it was released over a year ago, Valve continues to make extra content for Portal 2. We take a look at the game once again, as well as its recent DLCs.
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Review by Kenny Farino : July 31, 2012
Join Kenny Farino as he delves into why Slender is so scary.
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Review by neuroplay : July 22, 2012
It's not Grand Theft Auto, but the charms of 1950's Los Angeles may just give this game enough dazzle for your dough.
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Review by LaughingMan : July 8, 2012
Gabe and Tycho rise from the ashes of their previously discontinued game series and pay homage to classic RPGs with their trademark Penny Arcade humor and the same notoriously linear gameplay.
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Review by Kenny Farino : April 14, 2012
Fallout: New Vegas has gained some major points in my book for not only being a really fun game, but having the in-depth story it does, having a load of quests to do, having the goofy and light-hearted feel that makes it an enjoyable romp, and by keeping to the mythology that the previous four games previously established.
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Review by zimes : January 27, 2012
In anticipation to the third installment in the Mass Effect trilogy, Zimes brings us the first entry in his massive Mass Effect Series Review.
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Review by LaughingMan : January 20, 2012
Unlike its plastic playtoy predecessors, Rocksmith is nothing short of the most satisfying music game on the market. While it's not a party game like Guitar Hero or Rock Band, you'll leave Rocksmith with a greater sense of accomplishment and will have formed genuine skills.
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Review by ONOE : January 8, 2012
Like Final Fantasy VII Advent Children, Tekken Blood Vengeance is a beautiful but flawed attempt to capitalize on an existing fan base. In the case of Tekken Blood Vengeance, the movie has superb visuals, but it is lacking both style and substance.
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Review by LaughingMan : December 16, 2011
In the game: "Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened", the geniuses at Frogwares seamlessly merged Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes and H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos.
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Review by LaughingMan : October 20, 2011
BloodRayne Betrayal boasts a burgundy bedecked bloodthirsty belle's bountiful bosom, beguiling beautiful backdrops, and blood bursting brutally from baneful baddies' bodies by the buckets.
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Review by Kenny Farino : July 20, 2011
Duke Nukem is back, and although critics everywhere else are taking a dump on this game, let us tell you why you need to give Duke Nukem a chance!
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Review by LaughingMan : April 30, 2011
A Mortal Kombat game that concentrates on fighting and violence instead of kart racing mini games and DC Universe characters? How could THAT be good?
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Review by LaughingMan : April 1, 2011
Whether you are pushing or pulling, thrusting or gyrating, the Playstation Move will open you up to a greater variation of uses and a wider array of fun positions.
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Review by zimes : March 24, 2011
What happens when your last Fable 3 Achievement is to "have a baby with someone online" and you don't know any girl gamers?
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Review by LaughingMan : February 23, 2011
If Enslaved: Odyssey to the West was a movie instead of a video game, it would be a perfect world.
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Review by LaughingMan : February 6, 2011
My original impression of 3D Dot Game Heroes was that it was a blatant ripoff of the classic The Legend of Zelda franchise, but as I played it I felt things I haven't felt in a game since I was 9 or 10 years old.
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Review by Kenny Farino : January 5, 2011
Splatterhouse is a heavy metal gore-fest with H.P. Lovecraft elements and a B-movie vibe, so check it out!
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Review by LaughingMan : December 21, 2010
Dead Nation is a tight arcade-style game for the zombie-slaying couch-jockey on a budget.
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Review by LaughingMan : November 10, 2010
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow has its faults, but in relation to the early Castlevania games that I grew up on and still love, Lords of Shadow excels on every level. The gameplay, though 'borrowed' from other games, actually improves on several aspects. The story is pretty good as a whole, but predictable towards the end. Character development falls flat on its face, with only roughly four characters out of the entire ensemble ever having enough screen time to be fully flushed out. Although the entire game is written so melodramatically that it would barely pass as a high school play, the talented voice actors, headlined by Sir Patrick Stewart, manage to still make it sound good. The graphics are stunning to say the very least, and the exotic locale and the artistic magnitude makes Castlevania: Lords of Shadow the most visually satisfying game I've played in a long time. Castlevania: Lords of Shadow takes everything I've ever liked about Castlevania games, dating back from the NES classic Simon's Quest and up to the present, and makes it all better.
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Review by Zimes : October 28, 2010
If you have made a character and got him to level 60, you know the time and effort you have put into it. Now, what if it go so addictive that you leveled more characters up to level 60, then 70, now 80 and soon to be 85! The time to get one character up to the level cap THEN properly gear him is simply a second job. I was so addicted to World of Warcraft that my game time was from when I got home to when I went to bed, sacrificing sleep along the way. Some days I would plan a raid for late-nighters and not go to bed until 3am getting up at 6 working a full 8 hours then doing it again the next day. At one time I would only get 20 hours of sleep for the week just because I knew that the next week I had a day off to where I could sleep in.
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Review by LaughingMan : October 8, 2010
Without giving away anything for those who haven't played The City That Dares Not Sleep, or The Devil's Playhouse in its entire, but the ending to Season 3: The Devil's Playhouse is shockingly good, despite leaving some gaps about the fates of Papierwaite, Norrington, Sybil, and a few others. The ending is set up to be a triumphant and almost disgustingly cliche ending that you would expect from a cartoon comedy or even a Disney movie... but no. The ending is so unexpectedly bleak that it's hard not to let it catch you off guard and make cold shivers run up and down your spine and make a lump form in your throat. It's not often that such a comical and madcap adventure can reach into your chest and tear out your heart like Kano from Mortal Kombat, but Episode 5 of Sam and Max's third season did just that.
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Review by LaughingMan : September 10, 2010
Beyond the Alley of the Dolls has its moments of comedy and I particularly liked the Night of the Living Dead scenario, but the Doggleganger gag felt a great deal 'out of left field' to have adequately fit that comfortably into the overall scheme of the entire series so far. Sure, the Dogglegangers are a catalyst to bring the Elder God, Junior, to earth, but it could have been anything else, really. Some of the revelations that I can't go into detail on were interesting, and I enjoyed a lot of the H.P. Lovecraft nods, but Episode 4: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls left me feeling pretty empty in comparison to earlier episodes.
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Review by ONOE : September 1, 2010
Like the hit Xbox Arcade game, Braid, Limbo also focuses more on the journey than the final outcome. It is the experience and connection between the gamer and the boy depicted on the screen that is its greatest asset rather than a finite ending. A gamer can find personal meaning and ponder life and death in Limbo but may not find concrete answers. Limbo is short, spanning only 5-6 hours in length but once you begin playing you will be immersed from beginning to end.
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Review by Zimes : August 27, 2010
Borderlands is a Mad Max: The Road Warrior styled game about a group of bounty hunters that are hunting for the elusive Vault on the planet of Pandora. The vault is a local legend that supposedly holds advanced alien technology. So of course if you find the vault, you will become rich, powerful, and famous. In Borderlands, you get to play one of the 4 characters that are searching for this Vault. Along the way you end up meeting and helping new people, upgrading your fighting style and weapons, and killing bad guys.
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Review by LaughingMan : July 31, 2010
Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse: Episode 3: They Stole Max's Brain starts out as a breath of fresh air for those who played through The Penal Zone and The Tomb of Sammun-Mak and got bored with the two episodes' similar gameplay. Episode 3 takes a unique twist to the point and click adventure game through Sam's new ability to interrogate suspects in order to gain clues on the whereabouts of the thief who stole Max's brain. This means that Sam is going to smack some bitches up.
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Review by Zimes : July 10, 2010
This game is an underrated gem. With the past crappy Transformer games still lingering in everyone's mind this game will probably be overlooked by a lot of gamers not interested in being disappointed. As a Transformers nerd I urge you to look past those games and pick this up. You will be pleasantly surprised.
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Review by LaughingMan : July 2, 2010
Sure, there are parts of the game that are frustrating enough to make you want to tear your Playstation 3 or PC from the wall and cunt-punt it down a flight of stairs while masturbating, but it's not because the gameplay is broken, it's because I'm too fucking stupid to figure the shit out until after 3 hours of wandering around and clicking on every fucking object in the game.
The point of these Sam and Max reviews is to PROMOTE these under-rated titles because THEY ARE GOOD GAMES and are deserving of praise.
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Review by Kenny Farino : June 24, 2010
Renegade Kid took extreme care to fix or improve many aspects that made Dementium: The Ward a good game. The same fluid touch screen-oriented controls are left intact, but they added a very easy-to-use jump and duck mechanic that has proven to make the game more expansive in its design and settings. They also added a wider variety of monsters and weapons, added an inventory that not only lets you easily access your weapons but also allows you to store pills for when you're in a pinch (as opposed to consuming health on the spot like in the last game), and SAVE POINTS.
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Review by LaughingMan : June 15, 2010
I'm not happy...
HOW FUCKING ANNOYING CAN THE FUCKING CHARACTERS POSSIBLY GET???
Initially you have Big Red McDumbass WHO IS SO STUPID THAT HE HAS TO BE TOLD HOW TO CLIMB A LADDER, you have Homo Erectus the biggest gayboy stereotype of all time, and Toya, Homo Erectus's in-the-closet love interest that gets fed "the pinkest of pickles" (THEY ACTUALLY USE THAT EXACT PHRASE!)
And then after, you meet up with Yuki, who looks like a drunken midget who just came back from a Texas football game and is sporting her big foam hat and her Indian Casino gift shop 'BLING'. Shit, if I concentrate really hard, her necklace of golden bullets can begin to look like the "Shotgun-Shell Collar" from the movie 'SAW 3'. If I concentrate even harder, I can go to my happy place where I can see the bullets explode over and over again...
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Review by Zimes : June 15, 2010
Do I need to continue embarrassing you, Gabe, for sticking up for this piece of shit or do you get the point?
So far there is nothing in this game that would make up for the lack of character development, crappy story line, standard graphics, and really shitty music. Are you OK playing with sub-par games Gabe? Cause one f**king thing is for f**king certain: I for sure am sick of this type of shit being put on to us! For any RGP out there you must have at least one of the 4 following criteria at excellent or above to slate my wrath: Graphics, Story, Game play, or Music. If you don't have any at that level, DON'T BOTHER MAKING THE F**KING GAME!
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Review by Kenny Farino : June 2, 2010
While we don't have a deep, complex, Silent Hill-esque story, here's the gist:
You awaken to find yourself in a bed insane a dark, cold, bloody insane asylum, festering with monsters. Upon seeing a large monster drag a hapless woman down the hall, you decide to take pursuit. However, the deeper you go into the asylum to escape, the more horrifying things you encounter as you dig deeper into the truth behind your prison, the woman, and a mysterious young girl who eludes you at every turn.
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Review by LaughingMan : May 19, 2010
For the price of under 7 dollars, Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse: Episode 1: The Penal Zone is worth the price of admission. But the experience is a short-lived one, and the traditional gameplay of the series is extremely limited to following a very linear series of events. Your first-time-out in the world of Sam and Max can be a hilarious experience, but it can also be very frustrating trying to understand the 'logic' of The Devil's Playhouse: Episode 1: The Penal Zone and in determining which items to use when, where and with whom. The inane humor and the witticism of character interactions is an experience that should not be missed. All in all, you have to be crazy to play Sam & Max: The Devil's Playhouse: The Penal Zone. You have to be even crazier to miss out on it.
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Review by LaughingMan : March 30, 2010
I start installing Heavy Rain (requires 4GB of HDD space) when they tell you that included with Heavy Rain is a piece of highly decorated paper you can fold your own origami bird with. So as I'm installing Heavy Rain and the game's patch, I'm folding this origami bird. Even after the installation is done, I'm still folding the origami bird (incorrectly, obviously).
Anyways, so about 5 minutes after Heavy Rain is installed and waiting for my paper-folding ass, I finally hit start, configure the game, and get rolling. The first action is to get the father character, Ethan, out of bed. I stall a little bit to see what happens, but nothing, so I slowly raise my character out of bed.
And Heavy Rain crashes.
So, to retrospect my first half-hour of playing Heavy Rain:
"I spent more time folding a fucking paper bird than playing the damned game."
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Review by Zimes : March 13, 2010
Seriously, just like in Star Wars: The Force Unleashed when you are getting owned in a fight you will come up a button sequence. When this happens you have different time periods to press the button. 1) Normal time: For those that have slow reflexes are not going to get this that much but, it is obtainable although it does not happen enough. 2) Pick your ass, get a drink, drop the kids off at the pool, read a book, order a pizza, and then press the damn button. Or 3) F*** you, you blinked. You get to watch PoPs get owned. Now since you don't die, you get to watch Elika save your ass but, the cost is that the enemy gets his health back. So all that work you did before hand, like the 14 point combo you just unleashed on his ass, gets healed. To top off your freshly raped ass, the bosses then start talking shit to you.
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Review by Kenny Farino : February 28, 2010
After the game's release two weeks ago from today, there has been a wave of outrage or butthurt (depending on who you are) flooding from every game review website, labeling it as a God of War clone. Fanboys of the Playstation 3 series agree, but fanboys don't have opinions, or can't utter them with Kratos's ballsack dangling in their throats. I played Dante's Inferno the whole way through before seeing this massive wave of pissed off fanboys or bribed reviewers (*cough* Gamespot), and I was flabbergasted. When I went from start to finish, I thought I played the holy grail of action games, and I didn't see anything wrong with it that was deserving of, according to 1Up.com, a C+, or, according to Sage of TGWTG.com, an unsatisfying experience that needs to be passed by. Despite the wave of negative reviews, I want to take this time to tell you guys why I think Dante's Inferno deserves better, and why you should check this game out. As well as why God of War fanboys and most mainstream game reviewers can all go suck on a large, stiff dick. Away we go!
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Review by LaughingMan : February 24, 2010
The characters of BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger look like the horrific cosplay aftermath of a convention center mistakinly overlapping the booking dates of sci-fi, video game, and anime conventions. You have an epic clusterfuck of cat girls, ninjas, samurais, androgynous men with huge swords, giant robots, sexy female robots, lolita vampire sorceresses, hot police chicks with guns, and numerous other character classes that exist only in the deepest depths of nerd fantasy.
If there was an elf and dwarf present, I'm pretty sure that reality would IMPLODE from such a fantasy overload, and God would have to reboot the universe and populate it with androgynous underage vampire Vulcans riding dragon Gundam-robots in a quest to find "The One Ring to rule them all".
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Review by Zimes : December 3, 2009
This game was a total cock tease. It looked oh so pretty. The story line is interesting and would make for a good RPG later if they did the story right. But the gameplay is just so awful! It's like your girl (or boy depending on the case) saying lets go have sex. She has the lingerie on, the candles lit, and says those words that any man would love to hear. Right as you pop wood, she kicks you in the crotch so hard that she makes you taste your own junk. Rinse and repeat as many times as you would like until you get the idea that it's not going to happen.
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Review by Kenny Farino : November 15, 2009
In Born From A Wish, Maria finds herself alone in the Heaven's Night Bar. Left with nothing but a revolver, she wanders the streets of the town with the wish of finding a sign of human life. She eventually comes across the Baldwin Mansion, coming across Ernest, a man who has locked himself inside a room with the desire to be alone. In true Silent Hill style, Maria takes on the task of solving the puzzle to find out what's going on, and even find out more about herself.
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Review by LaughingMan : October 20, 2009
Then there is 'the game board room'. The game board room is the most infuriatingly annoying part of any modern game I have ever played. If you are lucky enough to have never played this piece of shit, I'll explain it to you:
When you enter this room, there's no turning back. A pair of dice drops from the ceiling, and when you 'roll' (slash) them, your 'piece' moves throughout the 'board'. There are different colored spaces you can land on, and each one has a peril that depends on what difficulty you are playing Devil May Cry 4 on. If you land on a colored square you can either: Receive a ton of red orbs, be attacked by multiple enemies, have to out-run lasers, HAVE TO RE-FIGHT PAST BOSSES, or even GO BACK SPACES.
It's a fucking sadistic version of Candyland that is the gaming equivalent of "If you land on red, you have to cut off a finger. If you land on purple, you get a smoothie. If you land on Yellow, you have to go back and try again." Sweet fuck, I was expecting to see a pale-faced doll riding a tricycle in the corner of the room.
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Review by Kenny Farino : October 12, 2009
So what is the premise? You are the Point Man, an operative of the F.E.A.R. faction. The F.E.A.R. team is a branch of the government that investigates paranormal activity, and is kept secret from everybody else. Like Team Jericho, but cooler. Anyway, shit hits the fan when a whacked-out operative named Paxton Ferrel takes control of a telepathic clone army (don't you dare think of The Clone Wars), and takes control of the Armacham Technology Corporation. It is your job to neutralize him before he is able to pull off any horrible deeds, and you are completely alone as you not only battle legions of these supersoldiers, but also encounter a creepy and incredibly powerful entity named Alma. How does Alma fit into the story? She sends the Point Man into what can only be described as Mindfuck City, easily making these portions some of the freakiest in the game.
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Review by Zimes : September 27, 2009
Rau from The Mark of Kri makes Kratos and Dante look like pansies. Look, despite if you like the pansies that were mentioned above or not The Mark of Kri is a title that has aged well and that probably gave birth to most of the things you do now in Devil May Cry and is definitely a base on which all of God of War has been built on.
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Review by LaughingMan : September 12, 2009
What Arkham Asylum was supposed to do, it did EXTREMELY well. It made a solid comic book video game, it was truthful to the characters, and the combat system was well developed. HOWEVER, the game is extremely repetitive in places and it drove me (for lack of a better term) 'batty' doing relatively the same thing over and over again.
The voice actors from Batman: The Animated Series was a HUGE PLUS for the kid in me, and it was totally worth playing if not just for the chance to hear them make their comeback in a very dark and very gritty story.
Regardless of the problems I have with it, the game is between a rental and a full purchase, and which way it swings depends on whether or not you think the game has any replay value with the stealth and combat mission modes.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
These are the games you should buy immediately, or you should avoid like a hooker named Russell.
The primary reason I am writing this is to give an open and somewhat unbiased opinion to readers of what is hot or not. There are a lot of games on the Playstation Network that are extremely hit-and-miss because there isn't a lot of information about some of them. So I am clearing the air to either: Reinforce what you may have heard; contradict what people have told you; and possibly expose you to some games you wouldn't have considered otherwise.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
High Velocity Bowling is the Playstation 3’s response to Wii Bowling, and in all honesty I believe it THRASHES the Wii with its motion controls. The premise is simple: It’s bowling. However, not only are the controls fluid, but the controller fits comfortably in your hand, mimicking the fingering of a real bowling ball. The physics engine is much more advanced than the simple ’pin physics’ in Wii Bowling. The pins fall, spin, and flip in a way that looks and feels more natural, and controlling the direction of the ball I find EASIER in HVB. The only beef I have with HVB are the characters. There are initially around eight or ten unique characters, each with their own abilities (accuracy, curve, and speed), however once you obtain the higher-skilled characters by beating them in single-player mode, you never again use the older characters because they never get any better.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
PAIN. The concept is that you are one of a multitude of downloadable characters (for $2 each) that gets shot off of a giant slingshot into a fully destructible sandbox-like city. You can shoot your character into little old ladies, have him get run over by a subway car, have him get involved in horrifically painful traffic accidents, or whatever other kinds of sadomasochistic foolishness you would fantasize of if you had a wet-dream about Wile E. Coyote. The violence is cartoonish, but the underlying themes are very tongue-in-cheek. There's a lot of perverse jokes if you pause the game and look at the signs and billboards of the cityscape, which is probably the only way to make this game last an extra half-hour after you've destroyed everything there is to destroy, and after you've played your 99th game of 'HORSE' with someone just as stupid and socially-inept as yourself.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
All of Mortal Kombat II's arcade greatness... has been lost. There is no crowd around your television cheering you on, there are no parents screaming at you for playing it, and politicians have found that video game censoring isn't profitable. The aura of 'taboo' is now missing, but in its wake is still a solid game and a great nostalgic trip for anybody with $5 to spare. It's still fun to go back and see if you can pull off some of the fatalities by heart, and with a decent online mode (I said 'decent', not 'good') Mortal Kombat II is totally worth the price of a Big Mac.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
Championship Racing for the PSN has not only aged poorly, but the majority of the game's fun-factor rested in the steering wheels. The game is not at all as fun to play sitting alone in your house or apartment with a controller in your hand. The gameplay with a Sixaxis is abysmal, and with its dated graphics, the odds of finding someone who will play this with you (even online) is slim to none.
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Review by LaughingMan : August 9, 2009
Granted, there aren't a lot of Playstation 1 games on the PSN Store yet, however there are some high-profile gems that no gamer should be without. And, this wouldn't be necessarily my Top PS1 Games of All Time list because it is missing some essentials: Resident Evil 2, Parasite Eve, Chrono Cross, Mortal Kombat Trilogy, Legend of Dragoon, Silent Hill, etc.
Even if you do own a copy of one of the following games, it would be worth buying them again if you have a PSP so you could take them with you when you travel.
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Review by LaughingMan : July 12, 2009
THIS GAME IS PAIN! PURE UNRELENTING PAIN THAT LAUGHS BACK AT YOU AS YOU SCREAM AT IT, BUT PISSES YOU BEYOND THE POINT OF SIMPLY QUITTING. NO, BEATING THIS GAME BECOMES A PERSONAL CRUSADE AND UPON COMPLETION MAKES YOU LEAP OUT OF YOUR COUCH AND, WITH THE VEINS IN YOUR HEAD ABOUT TO BURST, STAND HOLDING YOUR MIDDLE FINGER OUT INFRONT OF THE TELEVISION FOR THE WHOLE 3-MINUTES THAT THE CREDITS ROLL.
AND THEN, AS ITS FINAL INSULT, IT SHOWS YOU THE TIME YOU SPENT TORTURING YOURSELF AS THOUGH SAYING "THESE ARE HOURS IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK, AND YOU SPENT IT TORTURING YOURSELF AND TESTING THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR SANITY. CON-FUCKING-GRATULATIONS YOU STUPID ASSHOLE AND THANKS FOR YOUR MONEY!"
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Review by Zimes : July 11, 2009
Yeah, it's about time I take on an MMORPG. Since I have only been playing Eve for about a week and X3: Terran Conflict a little longer I think it would be fair to pit them against each other for a first time look at each although I have already done a review on X3: Terran Conflict. Making fun of these two games is going to be interesting since I think I will get a lot of hate from the Eve community for this.
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Review by Zimes : June 28, 2009
I never got into any of the Rayman games when they were coming out. I ended up looking at them and thinking they were a knock off of Mario games and really didn't pay any more attention to them until my brother showed my one that was on the Xbox 360. I ended up playing this mini game that was slapping the crap out of funky looking rabbits who were trying to ad-lib on a song. It was sick and wrong and I was laughing so hard that I had to go take a leak before I pissed myself. The Raving Rabbids that came out for the Wii (I think there are 3 now. 2 original and one that you can play with the Wii fit) has so many mini games it is hard to be bored with the game.
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Review by Zimes : June 19, 2009
Game play sucks. I don't think there are enough negative words to put together in the English language to describe how much X3 Terran Conflict's game play sucks. It's like they have taken all the normal mouse moves and mixed them all up! And it's not like you can pause X3 Terran Conflict and fix it. No, if it is on pause and you click any button X3 Terran Conflict becomes un-paused and the ship keeps flying without anyone steering the damn thing! And even if you think you have the buttons where you want them, they will fail on you when you need them. I was in the middle of a dog fight when my shooting button refused to work. I had to reset to default button settings to get it to work again.
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Review by LaughingMan : May 23, 2009
Gone are the narrow corridors that you have to fight legions of blood puppets like in the first. Now, the levels are expansive and you have the freedom to roam through city streets and across rooftops to your hearts content. The downside is that you now have to walk five fucking miles to achieve anything or fight any enemies! Seriously, at stretches at a time Devil May Cry 2 is virtually desolate of enemies until you walk down just the right street, and then a few will materialize around you. What Devil May Cry 2 developers should have done was give Dante a 'Devil Cellphone' so he could call up his damned enemies and work out a location.
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Review by LaughingMan : April 29, 2009
Everyone is going to hate me for saying this, but as awesome as Devil May Cry is to play, the control scheme feels ASS BACKWARDS. Square shoots and Circle attacks with the Devil Arm, which is good, but then you have Triangle jump and X open doors? What the hell is up with that? The Triangle button isn't a fucking Up Arrow, and even if there was an 'Up' button, games that require you to push 'Up' to jump suck. And having X open doors but do nothing else? X is the second most commonly used button on a Playstation controller, so why the hell was it demoted to just opening fucking doors?
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Review by Zimes : April 19, 2009
Infinite Undiscovery actually lets you back into one of you save points before you walk up the chain so you can wonder the world some more but, it is just not worth it. I turned off Infinite Undiscovery and I hope to get some money back when I go trade it in.
The score still stands. while graphics and music are nice it does NOT make up for HORRIBLE story line, worse screen play, stupid cut scene, and an Infinite disregard for decent gameplay. In fact I feel like bringing it down a point just for suffering through that crap.
For those that like it, I realize every game is not for everybody but, be honest with yourself: was it worth the $40 you blew on it? if your answer was yes, I have an awesome game I want to sell you! To me I have a good idea on what I will not be blowing my money on anytime soon.
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Review by LaughingMan : April 5, 2009
I have a love-hate relationship with the Devil May Cry games. Well, no, it is really more like an abusive relationship. You are seduced by the graphics and the unique style of the game, and for a while it treats you well, letting you have your way with it. Then the game gets angry. The game hits you, hard. You stare blankly at it, wondering if what had just happened was real or not. The game apologizes to you, seducing you again by its unique play and style, setting you up for another beating. Sometimes the game will hurt you or make you feel angry and powerless, and other times Devil May Cry triumphs and excels beyond your expectations and you end up forgiving it despite your better judgment.
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Review by Zimes : March 13, 2009
Probably the best part of this game is when it takes place. The rebellion has not started but, the empire is slowly spreading their iron grip across the universe. Darth Vader is going around wiping out any and all Jedi that he knows of. . .and he starts at the Wookiee home world of Kashyyyk. Now for those that have not played The Force Unleashed I will be telling all so if you just want my rankings just go to the end. Of course after you whip though the army of Wookies that throw themselves at you (don’t forget to kill 200 of them for your achievement) you arrive at an unknown Jedi's hut and commence beating him down. Vader senses that he is not the Jedi he seeks and wants to know where his master is. Of course the Jedi tries to protect the identity of this unknown Jedi and then dies. Vader then gets surprised by none other than a kid about 2 years old. The troopers come in to dispense of this kid and Vader saves him! Ok ruthless, heartless Vader: are you going soft on me?
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Review by LaughingMan : March 6, 2009
And the icing on the cake are the REMOTE CONTROLLED SAW BLADES called 'The Ripper'.
Yes, you read that right. REMOTE. CONTROLLED. SAW BLADES. What fucking practical purpose would remote controlled saw blades serve in not only reality, but even in SPACE? Are there trees in the far reaches of space? And even if there were, why the hell would the saw blades need to be remote controlled? Wouldn�t that be some kind of high-risk equipment? A spinning saw disk that you can control remotely would be the LAST THING a company would ever develop (aside from Sword-Chucks) and would be the most hazardous piece of equipment a moon logging company would ever possess. I mean, can you imagine the Legal Liabilities for when one of the blades eventually goes haywire? It would wreak so much carnage that any surviving moon loggers would have a story that would outshine the most horrific story ever told by a worker at a pig slaughtering factory.
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Review by LaughingMan : February 15, 2009
While it is your turn, and you are moving your piece, every enemy within viewing distance is raining a hail-storm of bullets on your selected character. It is as though the character you select is given a big neon sign that says "I AM HERE, KILL ME IF YOU CAN". The entire thing feels horribly unfair. Why is it that my scouts attract gunfire like an enormous electro-magnet while enemy scouts can sneak past all of my near-sighted soldiers with minimal damage taken? Even more unfair is that Valkyria Chronicles is supposed to be turn-based, so why are my characters being killed by my enemies during my turn? The third and final reason the CPU outright CHEATS is that if an enemy marches towards you, your enemies will attack him UNTIL HE STOPS; then my soldiers think that it warrants an automatic cease fire. However, if I go trotting towards an Imperial soldier, I get shot at, and if I stop, I STILL GET SHOT AT. Only when I raise my weapon does the enemy not only stop firing at me, but PATIENTLY WAITS FOR ME TO SHOOT HIM BETWEEN THE EYES. For fuck's sake, Sega.
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Review by LaughingMan : January 28, 2009
If by 'interact' you mean "dozens of lonely video game nerds circling the nearest female avatar and staring at digital cleavage" then you're right on the money. I shit you not, if you don't have any other people in your Friends list, pretend you're a girl (make a female avatar), buy a short plaid skirt for $1.00 (real money), and dance for 3 minutes (having music to dance to is optional because for some reason it's not nearly as stupid or creepy as in real life). By the time you can finish humming 'The Bad Touch' by The Bloodhound Gang, you'll be in the center of a virtual bukaki circle attended by every nerd in a 50 foot radius.
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Review by Zimes : January 21, 2009
Game play SUCKS. Not just oh, it can be decent if . . Stop right there, it plain flat out is the worst game play I have ever experienced. Despite the fact that you can organize your crew into certain formations and choose if they attack with magic or combat arts: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS DO!!! Out of 25 people you would think that it would be impossible to kill you but it happens. You usually get to choose 4 types of attacks when you fight and unless you kill your opponent your moral for the entire team goes down. Which means: you miss your attack all together, you don’t hit as hard as you should, or you get jumped without being able to counter attack.
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Review by LaughingMan : January 5, 2009
Finally, you wanted to know whether or not Clive Barker's Jericho is scary. To be honest: No, Clive Barker's Jericho is not that scary when compared to the brilliant Silent Hill 2, or even Clive Barker's highly-praised predecessor: UNDYING. It is, however, genuinely creepy and thoroughly disturbing. While there's little that jumps out and goes 'boo!' for a cheap scare, there's always something horrific that you can't help but stare at. However, there were a couple of segments that did make me feel panicked, though I won't tell you where they happen: The first encounter with the massive Gladiator demon, and the fight against the Ghost Children (undead kids are always scary).
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Review by LaughingMan : December 28, 2008
Where Penny Arcade Adventures excels in gameplay is with the unconventional way it crashes standard RPG elements by making every enemy fight substantial to the story as a whole, rather than an endless wave of cannon fodder that contributes little aside from experience points. Penny Arcade Adventures also pokes a lot of fun at the 'tried-and-true' RPG in the dialoge and even with the names of the items.
The humor is probably an acquired taste, but if IS your taste, you'll enjoy what Penny Arcade Adventures has to offer. The jokes are too mature for younger kids, despite the whole 'cartoon' look. If you're an action junkie, look somewhere else because there's a lot of 'collecting' and 'quests' in this game. Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness probably isn't deep enough for an RPG junkie, either.
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Review by LaughingMan : December 24, 2008
Though single player is really fun, the real fun to be had can be found online where you can play some amazingly imaginative levels that other people have created. Only when playing the user-created levels can you really grasp how amazingly powerful your Creative Tools can be, with a healthy imagination to go with it. I've seen levels that are based on the American Gladiators TV show, anti-gravity race cars that ride like rollercoasters, a quirky, disturbing SAW-based level with traps and puzzles, and my favorite, the Final Fantasy music Levels.
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Review by LaughingMan : November 22, 2008
Now, Metal Gear Solid has always been pretty heavy with the cutscenes, and for the most part they've added a great deal of depth to not only the storylines, but also the characters themselves. The series wouldn't be as highly regarded if it wasn't for the use of well written and scripted cutscenes. Metal Gear Solid 4 is no exception, and most of the in-game movies involve complex storylines and deep character development.
HOWEVER, the older games seemed to have had a better balance between the gameplay and the movies than MGS4 does. I just kept thinking that there were a lot of sequences that could have been playable, or atleast interactive (ala God of War) to help keep me 'in the game'. The gameplay seemed to be more like "play 10 minutes, watch a 20 minute cutscene, rise, wash, repeat" than its predecessors: "play a section, act or chapter with a few brief cutscenes, THEN watch a 20 minute cutscene at the end of it."
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