So I was sitting on my ass the other day, trying to decide what to review as a part of my first entry here on Cheshire Cat Studios (Hello everyone, by the way. Yes, I’m that Mockbuster guy from That Fellow in the Coat). Should I choose a good movie to demonstrate as an example of superb and skillful film-making or a horrible tedious abomination that’s only good as an example of ‘how not to’? This dilemma didn’t last long though, as when I leaned backwards in my chair and threw a glance on my shelf of DVDs the first thing I saw was the box of Jumper. So Jumper it is.
Err... Not the most intimidating pose there, buddy. If anything it makes you think Jumper is going to be about an emo parkourist rather than a bloke with the ability to instantly teleport to any part of the world.
If you’re having a problem remembering what this movie was about or whether you saw it or not – I don’t blame you. Jumper was released in 2008, and while I do remember some hype swirling around it due to some well-known cast and staff taking part in its creation, but all the hype and expectations got immediately obliterated after the release of the movie, and once every critic was done panning it, the world just moved on (as it usually happens with these lackluster action movies). “So then why are you trying to bring our attention to this movie if it was so generic and forgettable, CineMax?” Good question.
First of all, I just spent 88 minutes of my life on a slightly bearable and mostly forgettable sci-fi movie just to write this review, so it would be unfathomably stupid to turn back now; and second – while I didn’t enjoy Jumper as a whole, but I do remember Jumper having somewhat of an interesting premise, so I guess it is my duty as a respected and credible critic (no, really, I am!) to analyze and decipher what went with this movie. So let’s begin, shall we?
Now this is much better! Ok, so it's still a little bit generic... and emo... but at least there's progress!
Remember how I said earlier in the review how Jumper had an interesting premise? Well, that’s the problem – it’s the only thing this movie has. There is no story; only a somewhat interesting premise and a couple of clever ideas that fail to blossom into a full comprehensible story. So there’s this endless war among two factions: The Jumpers (named after this world’s definition of their power ‘cos Christ knows they couldn’t have just used the word ‘teleportation’ or something) and The Paladins (named after the imperial guards of ancient Rome and later the high officials of the Catholic Church, for no apparent reason).
Why are the two fractions engaged in such a bloody and quite devastating war, or why does one group bear such a noble and formidable name whilst the name of the other one can be easily mistaken for some kind of a modern slang for junkies (which can very much as well be the case, considering the latter’s sense of clothing and general shabby appearance), or why hasn’t anyone in the whole wide world found out about the presence of the two for so long, is, of course, left unanswered.
Also, there’s this bloke called David (played by Hayden Christensen) who lives alone with his abusive alcoholic father and the dreams of making out with the girl of his dreams called Millie Harris (played by Rachel Bilson). Dreams that are doomed to be left unfulfilled, I must remark, as David gets heavily beaten up by her overprotective boyfriend/genetically enhanced Rottweiler at the time, which strangely doesn’t result in several broken ribs and possible head trauma, but rather in David teleporting (yes, movie – that’s how it’s called!) God knows how many miles away and ending up in a completely different place. The funny thing is: once discovered his new astonishing abilities, David doesn’t decide to don a flamboyant latex costume and call himself The Amazing Jumping Idiot or something, but rather does what any sane person would do in a situation like this.
He visits some of the most famous parts of the world; teleports inside bank repositories and takes as much money as he can; dishonors hundreds of innocuous and naive girls and disappears before taking responsibility, and etc. All the stuff I would LOVE to do, if we didn't leave in this crappy world filled with realism, science and other boring crap that prevents us from having superpowers. Damn you, reality! Damn you all to hell!
Ah, the life...
Unfortunately, his rejoicing doesn’t last long (only about eight years), and so, after getting bored from his freelancing life, he decides to return to his hometown to try his luck with Millie once again. The girl, however, doesn’t take the news of his return very well (the fact that the last time she saw him he nearly drowned didn’t help much either), but after David personally demonstrates his newly-obtained abilities to her she immediately forgets him and latches onto him, asking him to take her to all sorts of different places for the hackneyed purpose of self-satisfaction... Don’t you just like soulless bitches like that?
"Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger (Well, I'm in need)
But she ain't messin' wit' no broke n****s (She takes my money)"
Anyway, so their cliched romance doesn’t last long, as David soon finds out that all of his past deeds (except for the myriads of impregnated girls, of course) weren’t left unnoticed, as he soon learn about the existence of the aforementioned Paladins, who, needless to say, aren’t the least bit amused by David’s antics and want to scorch his skinny teleporting ass. So they sent a special agent to hunt him down called Roland Cox (played by Samuel L. Jackson, ‘cos, let’s face it, if you want an intimidating badass black guy in your movie – there’s no-one better than good ol’ Samuel), who manages to kidnap David’s girlfriend and almost succeeds in finishing off the lad.
"Does he look like a bitch?!"
David, however, manages to escape with a little help from a fellow Jumper called Griffin. So the two of them jump all around the world, all whilst visiting such famous cities and countries like Tokyo, Egypt, Sydney, Rome, New York and etc., and I would like to stop here for a second, because I wouldn’t be a fair critic if I don’t mention and admire the professionalism of Jumper’s cinematography. Ok, so some places were visited only briefly (or at least not long enough to pay off the expenses, if you ask me) and some places were obviously rendered in CG, but then there are those really well shot scenes like the one at the Great Pyramids or the fighting scene at the Coliseum that makes you really appreciate all the hard work and ordeals the creators had to go through.
The beautiful location are one of the few - if not the only - redeeming factors this movie has. That and the special effects, but the day I recommend someone a movie based solely on the fact that it has some nice special effects is the day I get lobotomized, call myself Dipshit McFanboy and start mindlessly praising the tasteless works of Michael Bay, James Cameron and Roland Emmerich, all whilst ferociously attacking anyone who disagrees. You know, kind off like what 90% of the people on the Internet do.
Anyway, let’s get back to the plot. So David chases after Griffin, demanding to know where Cox is, and nagging him to teach him the art of teleportation (which is kind off stupid, seeing how David, a supposed novice, is easily able to keep up with Griffin, a supposed master, and do all the things he does, if not more), and the two of them eventually end up at Griffin’s secret base in the middle of the dessert. Here David learns two things: a) Griffin is obviously not the badass teleporting ninja he had hoped him to be (more like a hyper-active moron, who’s even more pre-mature and annoying than the main character)...
Yeeeeaaaahhhhh, right... This guy definately ain't no fucking Rambo.
...and b) This movie is so up its ugly pretentious ass that it’s doesn’t even deem us worthy of a proper back-story. No, seriously! So far, through out the battle with Samuel L. Jackson’s character and Griffin’s incoherent babble that’s supposed to be an exposition, we’ve learned nothing new about the Jumpers vs. Paladins war. Just a couple of vague statements about the Paladins being some sort of an ancient mystical cult that believes the Jumpers to be the nefarious enemies of God or something, and we’re back to pointless action scenes and unnecessary comedy relief. It's like the movie’s consciously aware of its inconsistent and barely present story, so it desperately tries to sweeten things with some pretty images, hoping that we won’t notice. Oh, wait! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT DOES!
Jumper: “Say what? Consistency?! Pff! Bitch, please! Who needs that shit when I can teleport?”
Me: “Yes, I know that. That's cool. But can you please explain to me why do the Paladins hate the Jumpers so much or why hasn't anyone spotted your endless war? Oh, and how about-“
Jumper: *Whoosh*
Me: “God damn it, movie!”
In case you haven’t realized it yet: Jumper just doesn’t give a crap. It knows its story (or rather what little of it there is) lacks consistency; it knows the characters don’t really have proper personalities other than the standard ‘The Hero’, ‘The Villainous Secret Agent’, ‘The Hero's Designated Love Interest/Sex Toy’ and etc; and it certainly knows that the only redeeming factor it has left are the special effects, because the last third of Jumper is just filled with them. So David decides to go after his girl (with no help from Griffin, obviously, the cowardly bastard) and ends up at her house, but, what a surprise, it’s a trap!
So David enters in a regular fight with agent Cox (hehe - I just realized it would make a pretty radical name for a porn-star), and the two of them teleport into all sorts of different places, all whilst landing punches on each other, until they end up in an isolated cave in the Grand Canyon, where David just leaves Roland to hang around instead of, you know, killing him in revenge for all the sufferings he put him and his beloved one through. ... What? They did have to leave some unresolved grounds in case they decide to make a sequel…. Which they most likely won’t… Idiots…
Anyway, so the main character returns back to his girl, but before Jumper can end in the most cliched and hackneyed way with the main characters staring at the sunset or something, David has only one thing to do – visit his mother. No, no – don’t laugh! At least, not yet… Anyway, you see, the thing is: David’s mom left him and his dad when he was five, and he had never seen or heard from her up until that point, so, obviously, at the end he would like to know how is his mother connecter to all of this, and why did she come out of the blue and assisted him only now. Well, guess what! It turns out that his mother was a Paladin all this time, and the only reason why she left was because she had found out about David’s ability even before he did, and she had only two choices: to kill her own son or leave the family for good, and she chose the latter…
Shut up! I'm trying to build up tension...
…Just one question: Why?! No, seriously! WHY?!?! At first they tell us that the powers of a Jumper don’t manifest until a certain age, so it’s really hard if not virtually impossible to discern a Jumper from an ordinary person, but now the bitch is saying that she could ‘feel’ it (what - was there a disturbance in the Force or something?). Besides, who said leaving a small boy alone with an alcoholic father to be raised in an atmosphere of coldness and hatred was a good idea? Think about it! She had a unique chance to study and analyze how the powers of a Jumper work exactly, all while still being with her son and giving him her love. Plus, as cruel as this might sound, she could’ve made him an agent as well, so he would trace the other Jumpers and assist the Paladins - you know, kind off like the 'One of us/One of them' policy The Company in Heroes utilized (before the show turned into an incoherent mess, that is). But you want to know what the worst part is? This is only one of the many questions the barely tangible story of this movie raises.
In his review of this movie Australian film critic David Stratton stated that Jumper "has no plot, no characters and no action scene that makes any kind of sense!", and I tend to agree. Just like the main character jumps from place to place leaving his unresolved problems and past behind, this movie just moves forward with its nose pompously in the air and fingers in ears, saying, "La-la-la-la! I don't care about plot holes and discrepancies! La-la-la-la!" Needless to say, not the most professional attitude you'd expect from such famous and honorable creators like Doug Liman and David S. Goyer, don't you think?
Closing Comments
Now, despite my constant reiteration of how bad this movie was, I’m afraid that some of you who haven’t seen the film might’ve gotten an erroneous conception that the story is actually somewhat bearable (if a bit cliched) from my detailed and humorous description, so in order to clarify my position I would like to repeat that Jumper DID have an interesting premise and promising ideas, but failed to combine them into a convincing plot.
If anything, Jumper feels more like a small abrupt part of something much greater rather than a proper stand-alone film. Like there was this epic complex and well-written story, but for some reason the writers were forced to cut out all the back-story, exposition and character development, and create a movie based on what was left. The main reason why I couldn’t get immersed into the world of Jumper is because the creators just decided that as long as they fill the movie with repetitive action scenes and beautiful locals, they won’t have to explain crap. Well, guess what, you still do! Who exactly are the Jumpers? Why and how are they able to teleport? Why does David sometimes teleport with devastating consequences to his surroundings (up to the point where almost an entire house was destroyed), and at the other times he can just simply appear out of nowhere Hiro Nakamura style without anyone noticing? Who are the Paladins? How did they find out about the Jumpers? Why do they hate them? Why? WHY?! WHY?!?!
Some people have told me the best way to enjoy these kinds of movies is to ‘switch off your brain and enjoy the pretty images’. Err… no. You see, kids – personally I go to the movies to have fun. The main reason why I resort to the world of fiction is to escape from the tediousness and monotony of this world. I want to discover new unique and exciting world, meet new interesting and relatable characters, and embark on thrilling and breath-taking adventures! Somehow I doubt that sitting on my ass and pointing out all the plot holes and discrepancies of the Jumper for a good hour and a half fits into my description of fun.
