Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Review

You know what’s the worst thing that can happen to a film series? Nope, not the fanboys (although those pretentious cocksuckers do tend to make me feel ashamed of liking certain things from time to time, the pompous upstarts) - sequels. 

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not talking about the good kind of sequels like Evil Dead 2 or The Dark Knight that use the original as a jumping off point in order to expand on the concept and explore lots of new and interesting ideas, but rather those that only get worse and worse with each new installment.

Case in point: Pirates of the Caribbean. 

The first film, The Curse of the Black Pearl, was a spectacular and fast-paced action flick with lots of blazing action, outstanding cinematography and score; as well as a quirky and incompetent but still nevertheless likable goofball of a main character, who would soon become one of the most iconic fictional pirates alongside Long John Silver and Popeye the Sailor Man (Just kidding!)

Sure, the Pirates of the Caribbean film still had its flaws (like how some of the jokes felt as though they were specifically targeted at the most mentally challenged members of the audience; or the fact that the romance between Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley felt as nauseating and revolting as watching your grandparents have sex), but other than that the film was quite an enjoyable fun ride! Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about the sequels. 

The second film, Dead Man’s Chest, felt more like the middle child, with no real beginning or closure; while the third one, At World's End, just spent all of its time desperately trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible, and failed miserably at it. Sure, both films still had their moments, but, in the end, neither one of the sequels managed to meet up the high standards set by their predecessor. That said, as a whole, Pirates of the Caribbean was quite and enjoyable and complete trilogy that didn't need nor have any openings for any more potential sequels. 

Of course, that didn't stop those greedy old devils at Disney from making one... 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a prime example of what happens when a more or less competent (if a bit pretentious) film studio completely runs out ideas, and so, instead of coming up with lots of interesting new stories and concepts, they just decide to hurriedly toss out a half-assed and lackluster sequel to one of their most distinguished and profitable franchises, in hopes that the gross revenue would be sufficient enough to pay up for all of their illegal weekly sex orgies involving copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and easily accessible broads.

In this newest installment, Johnny Depp reprises his most publicly renowned and critically acclaimed role as the always quirky and eccentric Captain Jack Sparrow, who is set to find the legendary Fountain of Youth - a mysterious ancient artifact that, according to the legends, is able to grant immortality to whomever has the honor of drinking from it. Trying to acquire himself a new ship and crew, our playful knave runs across an impostor, claiming to be him. The two clash swords, and after a brief and mostly uninspiring by this series's standards fight scene, we learn that the phony is actually Jack's ex-girlfriend, a fervid and mischievous femme fatale called Angelica, who's also in search of the enchanted fountain. Jack and Angelica agree to join forces, but such a questionable union proves itself to be rather unfavorable for our unfortunate hero, once he learns that Angelica is, in fact, the biological daughter of the legendary ruthless pirate captain, Blackbeard, who threatens to kill the man if he doesn't lead him and his wicked crew of undead minions to the his longed-for goal. 

Why does Blackbeard have such an insurmountable want for some ancient mystical artifact that may or may not even exist, you ask? Well, you see, there's this momentarily mentioned prediction that states that he will be soon killed by a mysterious one-legged man, and so he's basically trying to avert the ill-fated prognostication and save his life. Of course, why he or, in fact, everyone else in the Pirates universe hadn't remembered about something so miraculous and handy (you know, given their lifestyle) like a fountain that permanently grants its owner immortality before, is a question that On Stranger Tides skillfully avoids... 

Tremble, mortals, for the legendary pirate Blackbeard isn't afraid of anything - not even death itself! He's just, y'know, taking precautions...

Other than that - that's about it. From here on, the plot of movie basically involves Jack Sparrow, his cunty ex, her douchy father, and Barbosa (who turns out to be the one-legged man in question, by the way, since he's set to retaliate Blackbeard for his lost ship and leg) – all running around the Caribbean in search of a set of ancient magical MacGuffins in order to activate a much larger ancient magical MacGuffin that everyone in the world suddenly hunkers to posses for some completely arbitrary reason. 

Each character has his own hidden motive; each character betrays one another something like a bazillion times; plus, there’s that whole forbidden priest and mermaid love subplot that was obviously shoehorned at the very last possible moment in order to compensate for the lack of the aforementioned Bloom and Knightley romance – bloody-bloody-blah, we’ve all seen this a hundred times before!  

Psst! Hey, haven't we done all of this befo--
Hush, or else Disney will hear us!

You see, one of my major problems with Pirates 4 is that while with the aforementioned bloated and obnoxious love story out of the way, the writers had a unique chance to focus all of their attention on characters that actually matter i.e. Jack, Gibbs and Barbosa, as well as expand the universe of the Pirates of the Caribbean films by introducing new interesting characters and locals, but instead they just simply decided to rehash some of the most iconic set pieces of the originals for more than two hours and call it a day. Oh, mind you, they did more or less focus on the said characters, but definitely not in the way you’d think!

Take for instance Angelica: You would think that given the fact she and Jack had once shared a moment of close intimacy in the past, the writers would come up with some complex and tragic back-story that would depict Jack as a once cheerful and aspiring young sailor who got his hearth broken by the fervid and mischievous Angelica, and thus turned into the sardonic paranoid anti-hero that he is now, but instead she’s only in On Stranger Tides for two reasons: (a) to cocktease the audience, and (b) to provide us with some of the most hackneyed and dreary comedy relief I’ve seen since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. You know, ‘cos a Hispanic woman breaking into Spanish whenever she’s angry is so-o-o-o hilarious! Ha-ha! Stereotypes... 

As for the rest of the cast: Jack Sparrow’s antics don’t seem as exuberant and jovial as they used to be; Geofrey Rush's Barbosa doesn't come off as intimidating and ferocious as before; Ian McShane delivers probably one of the most underwhelming and dreary performances as Blackbeard I've ever seen; and, overall, I just couldn't shake off the impression that neither one of the actors was actually interested in the slightest bit in their respective roles, and, if anything, they were just simply working off their fees, not acting!  

Oh, look - there's some pretentious prick on the Internet talking shit about our film!

Nevertheless, let us not whinge on how generic and lackluster On Stranger Tides' story was, and instead discuss the second most important aspect of any good big budget Summer blockbuster: the spectacle.

Some people have told me that Pirates 4's unimaginative and predictable plot is easily compensated by the fact of how astonishing and awe-inspiring some of the action in this film is. Obviously those people are either some of the most impressionable moviegoers in the world, or those ignorant zanies were trippin' LSD big time right there in the theater, 'cos all I could respond to them was: "What action?" You see, supposedly, this film had the second highest budget amongst all four; and if so, then, frankly, I'm unimpressed, 'cos with this kind of money I was expecting a lot more thrilling action scenes and “WOW” moments that this series has become so famous for in the first place. 

No, seriously, I mean it: what the hell did they spend all that money on, tortillas? You’d think that a film called Pirates of the Caribbean would be all about breathtaking action and awe-inspiring sea battles (you know, just like the first three films!), but no. Instead we just get a bunch of disjointed and repetitive sword fights, occasionally broken up with scenes of Jack Sparrow running around the place and acting like a lunatic; thus reminding us of those glorious days when this film series was still good... 

Maybe if I hide here, they won't force me to star in any more dreary sequels!

All in all, I’m just kind of disappointed with Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Mind you, I wasn’t expecting Jack Sparrow’s latest adventure to be as spectacular and fresh as his first and (so far) best one, but as it is – it’s just wasted potential. A rushed half-assed cash-in released for the sole purpose of milking the last piteous cents out of this old exhausted cash-cow franchise.

No, really, Disney: if even your main star himself has admitted that he’s gotten tired of his most distinguished and profitable role, maybe it’s time you put an end to all of this rigmarole and move on to do something else? Only of course you won’t do that, now would you – you bunch of miserable greedy old farts! 

Welp, fuck this franchise!