Now, as much as I hate to begin my reviews by yammering about my personal creative struggles and hurdles (something that’s increasingly becoming a distinctive stamp of my work, for better or worse), but I’m afraid there is no other way to incept today’s entry other than by shedding some light on my current position as a Cheshire Cat Studios contributor.
So my first review of the 2008’s Jumper movie was made public a couple of weeks ago, and the reaction from the masses was... actually, to my surprise, it was overwhelmingly good! Lots of kind words about the semi-professionalism of my writing style, the natural and subtle balance of serious constructive criticism and my dark pungent sense of humor, and a warm welcome to the small, yet cohesive and eccentric (if a bit insane...) CSS family – it was all more than I could ever hope for!
But not every one was pleased with my debut. You see, there was a man who even up to this day thinks I could’ve done a hell of a lot better job. A man who wasn’t afraid to point out how for an online movie critic, who desperately strives to differentiate from the myriad of untalented hacks with a web-cam, obscene amount of free time and a Messiah complex, all I ever did was write an unoriginal complacent TGWTG-style essay with only this much actual analysis and criticism, that I so feverishly brag about my reviews having. That person was none other than... me.
Now, I’m not going to bore with my intensive written self-flagellation, but suffice to say my first review wasn’t the strongest contribution to such an excellent and promising web-site, that has now become my second Internet home. No need to be worried, though, as this time around things are going to be done right!
Thus, I present to you my insightful and detailed analysis of a TV-series, which I originally feared would turn out as a pathetic and presumptuous "300" clone, but instead resolved in becoming one of the most gruesome, tragic and enthralling stories I’ve seen in the last couple of years on TV. I, as some of the more contemplative readers who bothered to read the title of this review might have already guessed, am, of course, talking about Spartacus: Blood and Sand.
Introduction:
Spartacus: Blood and Sand is a Starz original 12-episode TV-series created by Steven S. DeKnight, which premiered on the 22nd of January, last year. At first, I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not to jubilate about such a peculiar birthday present, as from the bits of information and teasers released prior to the show’s debut, one could be forgiven for receiving a disturbing conception that the series would turn out as some kind of a poor-man’s version of "300", with little to none connection to the original legend of Spartacus.
So, being an insurmountable skeptic that I am, I decided to ignore any hype, speculation and controversy, and check out the series for myself to determine whether or not all the fuss was actually worth it.
As mentioned above, my expectations were rather low right from the start (truth be told, I wasn’t really sure what exactly to expect), but, much to my profound and sincere surprise, I was dumbfounded by the sheer epicness I had become witness to. What I saw was by no means a cheap knock-off of a much superior (and expensive, for that matter) original Hollywood movie, but a truly complex and tragic tale of life and death, war and peace, true friendship and devious treason, and, of course (especially considering the source material), revenge and redemption - a story, which, to my mind, deserves much more acclaim and recognition than it has now.
And so, as part of my appreciation and respect towards the creators of this magnificent and stupendous series, I dedicate this in-depth analysis/review of the first season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand to them. Enjoy!
Synopsis:
The story of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, as some of the more astute readers have probably already surmised, is mostly based on the tragic and noble life of the great Roman gladiator and insurgent - Spartacus. However, whilst the famous legend of Spartacus is held as the foundation of the story, the plot of Spartacus: Blood and Sand is without a doubt a new original, never before seen take on the well-known tale.
And good thing too: Spartacus and his ill-fated rebellion are no strangers to the media of cinematography, and with such formidable predecessors and competitors like the original eponymous Stanley Kubrick’s film, Spartacus: Blood and Sand could’ve easily fallen short as a lackluster made for Television adaptation, if the creators had not decided to recount their own more stylish vision of the story.
So let’s analyze and decipher why the story of Spartacus: Blood and Sand is so good that I’m having a hard on just by writing this paragraph, shall we?
The first episode of the series, boldly entitled “The Red Serpent”, introduces us to the main character himself – Spartacus. Originally a nameless Thracian warrior (there’s a meaning to that; I’ll get to that some time later in the review), who along with his fellow warriors makes the decision to align with the Roman Empire to protect their motherland from barbarian invaders.
Such a decision was not an easy one, as the majority of villagers - as well as Spartacus’ wife – try to deter him, but after giving a profound and inspiring speech, he manages to persuade his compatriots to form an alliance. A repugnant mistake, one must remark, as once the Thracians had left their homes to fight alongside the Romans, they soon found out that their ally’s word is worth shit, and that the Romans are more interested in protecting their own frontiers no matter the cost, up to the point where Spartacus and his army become witnesses to one of their settlements being invaded and annihilated by the Barbarians, with no effort from their patrons to prevent it.
Disenchanted and irritated by the Roman’s bullshit, Spartacus’ regiment decides to rebel and leave the Romans unprotected. Upon arriving home, Spartacus, however, discovers that death and tragedy seem to have a thing for him, as due to their long-time absence, the village was attacked by the nefarious Barbarians. He comes in right in time to save his wife, Sura, but, unfortunately, the two of them are forced to flee as, basically, as mentioned above, their home village (and everyone who lived in it, for that matter) was obliterated by the enemy. The two of them set on a lyric journey to find a new home and start a new, jovial and carefree life.
D'awww! Now what can possibly go wrong?
Sadly, if such a scenario was plausible the series would have ended right there, and instead of a tragic tale of a man, who after loosing everyone he had ever loved, and going through a series unfathomable and excruciating challenges and ordeals, became a legend, we would’ve gotten ourselves a fifteen minute short called “Never trust ‘em Roman Cunts” or something, so, of course, thing get much, MUCH worse from now on...
Me and my big mouth...
So Spartacus and his wife get discovered and apprehended by the Romans, with Gaius Claudius Glaber – a Roman army legatus and a major asshole, with whom Spartacus originally forged an alliance and later rebelled against, accusing him of treason and enslaving both him and his wife. A severe and unrelenting beating from Glaber’s Centurions later, the warrior finds himself imprisoned inside an amphitheater and told that he’s been sentenced to a battle ‘til death on the Gladiator arena for the enjoyment of the masses and Glaber, who originally proposed this idea. (I’m telling you – ain’t he the nicest guy you’ve ever met?)
However, much to the shock and woe of Glaber and the two enormous testosterone filled deranged bantlings he had sent to publicly execute in front of the raving bloodthirsty crowd of Capua, Spartacus, after sustaining some serious injuries, easily manages to rip his opponents’ heads off: thus, receiving approbation from both the crowd and Quintus Lentulus Batiatus – a renowned Lanista (trainer and trader of gladiator), who sees potential in the young warrior, and repurchases Spartacus from Glaber to tame the raving beast in front of him and turn him into a mighty and noble gladiator, who will bring fame and honor to the House of Batiatus!
Trust me, you wouldn't want to attempt to prison rape this guy...
Story:
Now, as much as I would like to retell you the rest of the show’s plot in such a detailed manor, but I mustn’t forget that I am a film critic, and my job is to present the movie/series in a way that would not only give the reader an authentic conception and clear understanding of the matter in hand, but, also, if possible, persuade him/her to give the subject of the review a try, without giving away to much crucial plot points or any other vital information, rather than feverishly blabber about how great movie X or series Y is, without giving any constructive reasons or insightful arguments as to why, like the world’s most desperate and deranged fanboy.
Having said that, however, I must inform you it is no easy task to do so, because just by writing these lines, I subconsciously return back then – to the wonderful days of my original screening of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. The days when I unwillingly constrained myself to watching only one episode per day, because with all the breathtaking action and unexpected brilliant plot twists, I was afraid I would loose it and watch all twelve episodes in a row, and then loathe and resent myself for a good week or two for not extending and savoring my own pleasure. But – as arduous as it is for me – I must deter myself. I must constrain myself because of the fear that in my endless glorification and apotheosis I might unwillingly give away some of the more vital and decisive plot points and moments of the series, thus spoiling the pleasure and ruining the experience for others.
So instead, let me just convey my overall opinion and thoughts on the story and writing of Spartacus: Blood and Sand in a constructive, unbiased and constrained way, ok?
Now, as we all know, looks can be deceiving. For instance, show someone who hasn’t seen or even heard about the show the official trailer, and ask him what he thinks the greatest part of the show is. I can assure you, nine times out of ten people will instantly tell you it’s the gory and stylish action scenes (or full frontal female nudity, for that matter). And while it would be outright foolish for me to deny the fact that both of those aspects are an important part of the show and – in one way or another – contribute to the overall setting and atmosphere (I’ll get into that a little later, if you don’t mind), but experienced highbrow viewers like me will forthwith retort and exhort you it’s the complexity and grandeur of the story.
As paradoxical as this might sound - considering where the events of the series take place - but the magnitude and epicness of Spartacus’ story can be wholeheartedly compared to that of classic Greek tragedy. Returning back to the whole “looks can be deceiving” thing, “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” isn’t about explicit graphic violence or – as I’ve grown tired of reiterating – tits. It’s a tragic tale of a man who had lost everything and everyone he had ever loved, went through unfathomable sufferings and deadly perils, only to find new friend, allies and even... love.
...Oh, shut up, you bunch of juvenile tasteless cunts! I’m not talking about that adolescent wishy-washy insecure blushing and stammering crap that – according to your beloved Twilights and Vampire Diaries – is supposed to be true “pristine feelings”. I’m talking about a complex and compelling relationship between two broken people who had lost their faith and will to live, only to find consolation and new strength to continue their desperate and ill-fated struggle in each other. Oh, what? Didn’t expect something as compelling and masterfully written is a show with gore, blood and tits, eh?
Anyyyyyway... My unresolved anger issues concerning humanity’s illogical propensity to hastily jump to some of the most strange prejudices and bizarre conclusions aside, I do believe a large part of what makes the plot of Spartacus: Blood and Sand (or any other great story, for that matter) are some of the strongest, complex and well-written characters I’ve seen in a while in a non-mainstream Television Series (after Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and Dexter, of course).
So in order to commemorate the grandeur of the writing of the series, and not give away any major (or, at least, spoilerific) plot-points of the show, let us discuss the characters and what makes them so complex and great.
Characters:
Spartacus - the main protagonist of the series.
A man of adamant will and steadfast devotion. Even after loosing everything he loved and cherished, he still manages to find new strengths and inspiration to fight.
What really made me fall in love with the character, however, was his profound and robust devotion to his estranged wife, and all the detailed cunning schemes and plans he comes up throughout the course of the show to reunite with her. It just goes to show that Spartacus isn’t just some deranged ferocious barbarian but rather a man of high intelligence and though, a mastermind.
Sura - the beautiful and faithful wife of Spartacus.
Separated with her husband in the very first episode, she still played a key role in the subsequent life of Spartacus and the plot of the series.
She’s never actually around Spartacus nor has any apparent way of communicating with him, but her presence and support are still felt through even the most miniscule trifles.
A small piece of clothing lent by his wife as a lucky charm eventually became a real beacon of hope for Spartacus
Batiatus – a trainer and trader of gladiators in Capua and master to Spartacus.
Batiatus is a very ambivalent figure in that you can never predict in what mood he is. At one moment he can be charitable and lenient towards the titular character; ten minutes later he can be literally threatening to throw him of a cliff for his disobedience, with only the thought of all the money and honor Spartacus could bring to his home stopping him.
This is where I’d like to compliment the stellar performance of William Hannah, who ideally manages to deliver such a complex and tumultuous character.
Lucretia – the beautiful and elegant wife of Quintus Lentulus Batiatus.
Her loyalty, on the other hand, is somewhat of matter of dispute, as while she is supportive of her husband and endorses his endeavors for greatness, at the same time she also doesn’t mind having her unadulterated aristocratic pussy being nailed by some primitive ferocious barbarian cock, if you know what I mean.
Much like her nefarious husband, she herself isn’t immune to such sins like lust, gluttony and corruption, and would do anything in order to achieve a higher social status.
Truly, a mach made in heaven...
Varro – a fellow gladiator and loyal friend to Spartacus.
He arbitrarily became a gladiator to pay for his debts and preserve his family from poverty and slavery. A man of honor and justice, he became a good friend and strong ally of the main protagonist.
Crixus – the renowned Champion of Capua and rival of Spartacus.
Throughout most of the series he acts like an arrogant complacent Alfa-male, who’s only concerned about reputation and glory, but later we learn that even someone as primitive at first glance as Crixus, has a much more soft and humane side.
You can call him an uncouth primitive barbarian all you want, but that won't change the fact that he's banging both Lucy Lawless and Lesley-Ann Brandt, while the best you losers can hope for is a date with good ol' Rosie Palms
Gaius Claudius Glaber - a Roman commander awarded the title of Legatus.
Selfish, arrogant and, on top of that, the person originally responsible for the enslavement of Spartacus - you'd expect Glaber to be the main antagonist of the series, whom the titular character must defeat in order to regain his freedom at the the end of the series, but, sadly, the complacent prick spent most of the second half of the show safely residing on his lazy ass in Rome, so we are without an epic satisfying crescendo to his and Spartacus' feud.
Sad, but hey, there's always Season 2...
Ilithyia - the wife of Gaius Claudius Glaber
Now, let's get one thing straight - I fucking hate this bitch! (And coming from a person who was able to withstand all the laughable angst and forced drama of the Star Wars prequels - that's saying something!)
Spoiled, frivolous and vainglorious, she spends most of the series residing at the Home of Batiatus to dispel her boredom and hinder Spartacus and his plans of escape, just to appease her daddy (Glaber), so that the latter would reward his obedient pet by "giving the dog a bone" AC/DC style, if you know what I mean...
Kind off like an ancient Roman version of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or any other of those spoiled rich brats, really...
Oenomaus - the gladiator trainer in Batiatus' Ludus.
Originally an opponent and obstacle in Spartacus' way because of his steadfast loyalty to Batiatus and almost feverish abidance of the Code of the Arena, he later becomes a strong and worthy ally to his rebellion, once he learns about all of his master's lies and deeds.
...And yes, that's Peter Mensah - the actor who played the Persian Messenger in "300".
...And no, I'm not going to pull the overused and crocked Sparta joke, so suck it up, you bunch of tasteless illiterate lolcats!
Naevia - a loyal servant in the Home of Batiatus and Crixus's lover.
Truth be told, at first I didn't really think much of the character, since originally she was introduced as a simple love interest for Crixus just to introduce his hidden human side to the viewer, but as the episodes went by and their affair progressed, I must confess, I became somewhat invested and immersed into their relationship, and once Naevia started acting like a real human being rather than a silent emotionless sex-toy, I actually started liking her as a character.
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Ashur - an ex-gladiator, crippled on the Arena, he has now become a counselor and right hand to Batiatus.
Cunning, ruthless and complacent, he is neither friend nor foe to Spartacus' rebellion, and spends most of the series pursuing his desire of fame and fortune, by all means necessary.
Still, his over-inflated ego and position of a chain-link between the gladiators and their master does actually turn out to be rather useful to Spartacus' plans.
Style & Setting:
Now, before I give my humble thoughts on the given matter, I must inform you that this category is not always going to ubiquitous in my reviews. The reason for that is while some of the things I’m going to cover in the future (I’ll mostly be doing film and TV-series, if you must know) might have a unique setting or a distinctive style, others (with the current state of the entertainment industry, I dread it’s going to be to be majority) will, obviously, not. So, I suppose, one can say that if a movie or a TV-series has earned a special mentioning of its unique style or setting that already means it’s good, but I digress... Anyway, now that we got that out of the way, let’s get straight to business!
You see, the only reason why I’m devoting an entire segment of this review to the style and setting of the show is because – in case you didn’t already know this – most of the debate and controversy that swirled around Spartacus: Blood and Sand during its original run was due to its picturesque and explicit representation of life in Ancient Rome, with all of its sins and deeds intact. There was also, of course, the whole “300 rip-off” speculation going on in regards to the visual style of the series and its Zack Snyderesque alternation of slow and fast motion during the action scenes, but rest assured it was the good ol’ T&A that really got the show into trouble.
The peculiar thing is, I’ve actually met a couple of folks who deliberately avoided or even dropped the series exclusively because of that in real life, and, while some of their points and arguments were relatively valid (I’ll be the first to admit that while phrases like ‘Jupiter’s cock!’ are fairly amusing the first couple of times, but sometimes the creators might go a little bit overboard), but, nevertheless, I’ll tell you the same thing I told them: read a fucking history book!
Don’t consider this a disrespect to the original 1960’s film, but I seriously doubt that Romans (or any other nation at that time, for that matter) were all these clean, intelligent and pristine aristocrats who spent all their days greeting Cesar and discussing sophisticated philosophical dilemmas! (A major stereotyping on my side, but you get my point). I mean, even mainstream historical Hollywood dramas like ‘Troy’ or ‘Alexander’ (not to mention Caligula, but that’s, obviously, not the best example...), featured such despicable and depraved things like alcohol, profanity and *GASP!* sex, and everyone was entirely ok, if not complemented and praised them for that, but when a TV-series decides to accurately depict society as it was back in those days – Holy Shit! Think about the children!
...But I digress. Let us postpone the subject of society’s groundless reprobation of their own past for now and focus on the actual style of the show, ok?
Now, let’s make one thing clear – when the show is in “Normal Mode” (that is when the creators are not trying to ape “300”) it actually looks very good. The lighting is compelling, the costumes and scenery look authentic, as far as I know, and the overall look of the show does give the viewer a more or less genuine feeling of how primitive and depraved the Roman Empire really was, as opposed to all those fancy silk robes and perfect white teeth you see in most major Hollywood historic dramas (though, to be fair, the perfect white teeth are prevalent here as well...)
Having said that, I must inform you that I am far less lenient towards the show when it enters “Battle Mode” (that’s the when the whole over the top Zack Snyderesque slowmo/fastmo action begins). The reason for that is because it’s just... cheesy. I understand that, as I’ve already mentioned a bazillion times, the creators were desperately trying to mimic the look and feel of “300”, but if the whole dog shit brown/gun metal gray (a special prize for those who get the reference) colored slowmo/fastmo wire-fu was appropriate, if not crucial and integral, since it wholeheartedly followed the look and fill of the original comic book series, but here... it just looks cheesy. Here, take a close look at how both “Modes” look in comparison, and decide for yourself, which one looks more representative and “stylish” and which one looks preposterous, if not... childish.
First you get such beautiful and graceful scenes like this...
...and then there's preposterous inexplicable mess like this.
Now, I understand it wasn’t particularly easy for the creators to film, let alone edit the whole bloody thing, but, if you ask me, the show entirely unnecessary, and once the show dumps the more or less trustworthy realistic look in favor of its beloved juvenile action scenes, it rapidly looses most of its integrity, and turns into one big festival of cheesy over the top action and unrealistic juvenile gore.
Ok! Since we’re basically finished discussing the overall visual style of the show (which we are supposed to do by default), we might as well finally return back to what’s really important – the tits! (Said he and lost all of his integrity as an unbiased and credible critic...)
To be frank, this whole situation kind off reminds me of all the controversy surrounding the original Mass Effect back in 2007, if you forgive the obscure and incongruous video game reference, in a way that much like with BioWare’s original action-RPG, thanks to all the controversy swirling around the media for quite some time now (or in this case, the Internet), the audience of Spartacus: Blood and Sand has basically divided into three individual groups: first, there’s people who decided to watch the show ‘cos they’re actually interested in the plot, characters and etc.; then there are the ones who decided to check out the show because of all the controversy surrounding the series and its explicit depiction of sex and violence to bash it (see the similarities with the Mass Effect case now?); and then there are those who did the same thing as the second type, only instead of reprehending all the explicit female nudity they decided to, pardon my French, jerk-off on it.
Now, while personally I can respect the first category, and more or less tolerate the third one (let’s face it – with all the strange shit you can find on the Internet these days, I’ll be able to sleep more peacefully knowing that people are still polishing their shaft to the pictures of real naked woman, rather than the non-existent tits of Rouge the Bat), but what really baffles and at the same time infuriates me are the people in the second group.
Case in point: a couple of months prior to writing this review, a group of people (myself included) were having a discussion on a small local forum that I decide to check from time to time. Basically, we were discussing the good and bad points of the first (and only at that time) season of Spartacus, when a new visitor appeared and asked if the series was really worth checking out. After making sure the said person wasn’t a troll, we gave him a list of reasons why he should watch the show, and he pledges to give Spartacus a try and share his opinions afterwards.
I must confess, up until a couple of weeks ago I completely forgot about this conversation, but once I started writing this review, I decided to return to that forum and see how the situation has resolved. Well, guess what! It’s been two or three months and so far the gentleman has only seen something like three or four episodes, and after watching each one of them he posted a page long incoherent delirium about the series being the absolute worst piece of trash he’d ever seen, and how the creators must be crucified for desecrating the legend of the mighty Spartacus.
Needless to say, the fans were pissed. Some went on a rampant written crusade; others (once again, myself included) have asked the person in question what was the cause of his sudden rant? The answer was... tits. *Sigh*
Ok... I think I’ve already protracted this part of the review way too much, so here’s what I want to say at the end: people, if you watched something and you didn’t like it, than you sure as hell have the right to drop the series, or, if you must, complain about it. However, if you do wish to complain – please keep your criticism and feedback constructive and just. If you didn’t like it – fine. But don’t - and I really mean it! – don’t torture yourself by forcefully watching the show you know you’re not going to like, just so that you can piss of the people who actually like the said series by your unjustified and irrelevant complaints.
It doesn’t make you look smart. It doesn’t make you better or more intelligent than the fans. And it sure as hell isn’t going to harm or even cancel a successful and enjoyable series just ‘cos one ingrate cretin can’t find something better to do with his life than spend all of his day sitting in his ass and deliberately watching something he knows he isn’t going to like. That is all...
Closing Comments:
Now, I comprehend that with all my constant feverish bragging about the grandeur and complexity of the plot, superbness of the acting performances and, let's face it, the staginess and epicness of the action scenes, one can be easily forgiven conception that I'm trying to persuade everyone that Spartacus: Blood and Sand is some kind of a divine masterpiece that ascended from the heavens and bestowed us unworthy dirty peasants with its righteous unadulterated presence.
Make no mistake, I am not. In fact, I'm not even saying it's the best TV-series I've seen in recent years, or that it's better than the original Stanley Kubrick's film. What I am merely saying is that Spartacus: Blood and Sand is a great series on its own, and if you're into complex and tragic historical drama - you should definitely give it a try, 'cos despite all the incongruous and exaggerated complaints and bile about it ripping-off other, more famous movies and series like "Rome" or "300", there's really nothing like it!
After all, if you don't even bother to watch something and instead just decide to blindly jump on the bandwagon and start reprehending and denouncing something only because everyone is doing it, then please tell me how are you any different from those illiterate cocksuckers who used to bully you in school just 'cos you had the sufficient intellectual skills to actually memorize the capital of Switzerland, instead of, you know, getting drunk and banging cheerleaders all the time? *Sigh* Don't push yourself to hard, Einstein - it's Bern...
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my somewhat protracted but still fairly informative and humorous tribute to last year's underappreciated hidden gem - a Starz original epic historical drama series Spartacus: Blood and Sand, 'cos, quite frankly, by the time I finished writing this review I caught a severe cold and right now I'm lying in bed with a temperature close to that of the surface of the Sun and a cough so powerful that, I swear to God, there was this one time when I coughed so hard that I could literally feel both of my lungs simultaneously trying to propel out of my body at full speed: one through the mouth, and the other one through the back door.
Needless to say, it wasn't a very jovial and pleasant experience...
