TMNT Turtles Forever Review

So August of 20 10 is unknown movie month huh? To be brutally honest I don't even watch that many underground films. Like every other assbag who has to find escapism from a mundane life through the theaters I stick with the big budget titles for better or worse. But usually for the worse.

Like stomping all over my childhood heroes just to promote some trendier rehash of the same product. My case in point is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Forever.

So I heard about this film through the nerd grapevines and I about flipped, in a good happy kind of way. The thought behind Turtles Forever is that through some assbackwards line of logic reserved for only the worst Ninja Turtles fan fictions, the Ninja Turtles would basically pull a Star Trek Generations and combine the best of the old school 80's cartoon series with the modern edgier TMNT cartoon.

How fucking cool would that be? The old ninja turtles would combine forces with the new and they would battle against the new Shredder plus Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, and all kinds of mutants from the Ninja Turtle mythology like Tokka and Razar from the second Ninja Turtles live action movie. The rush of nostalgia for my childhood cartoon heroes would be like snorting crack off of a supermodel's tits while you nailed her on a giant banana cream pie.

So I spent DAYS trying to find a copy of this movie in my local movie rental joints until I found it in a 2nd hand store on DVD. I know that you shouldn't buy 2nd hand DVDs but for a whole five-bucks I figured I could get a cheap thrill and if the disk was fucked up I was only out a Happy Meal. So I checked the disk and bought it, and I skipped home under a rainbow while everyone I met on the sidewalks saw Turtles Forever in my hands all gave me the Fonzie thumbs-up "Ayyyyy!". I ran into my apartment, turned off my girlfriend's Final Fantasy video game before she could save, and told her to make me some pizza, because when you watch Ninja Turtles popcorn is for fags.

So the movie starts up and there's a lot of bullshit going on. Splinter calls his Mutant Teenagers in, and the new Ninja Turtles do their action-pose roll-call on skateboards and shit, just because whenever my dad called me into the living room I did a flying kick in front of him with two knives in my hands and dramatic lighting. It turns out that there was a disturbance where four turtles were caught on camera fighting the Purple Dragons ninja street gang. So the new cool and modern turtles break into the lair of the Purple Dragons where they find the 1980's cartoon turtles held captive.

You would think that what would ensue would be a complete buttfucking of the Purple Dragons with a whole can of Turtle Power but something is really fucking wrong. The 1980's cartoon Ninja Turtles are making dumb jokes, and Raphael is always breaking the 4th wall by making wisecracks to the camera. And what the fuck is this? The new turtles are the only ones that are ever 'fighting' enemies while the classic ones are downgraded to THROWING GARBAGE CANS??????

Yeah that's right. The Ninja Turtles that I GREW UP WITH AND CHERISH are now the ass-end of a string of stupid jokes designed to make the new series look cooler than it actually is! The old school Ninja Turtles DIDN'T TICKLE ANYONE!! THEY DIDN'T GIVE OUT NOOGIES AND THEY SURE AS SHIT COULD ACTUALLY FIGHT! DID THE DIRECTOR NEVER WATCH A FUCKING CLASSIC NINJA TURTLE CARTOON IN HIS WHOLE FUCKING LIFE?
FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU TO HELL!

And of course this movie is so fucking biased that not once do they even lampoon the new ultra-hip turtles when every other fucking word that comes out of their fucking gobbs is "What the shell" and that the new turtles cant just fucking walk anywhere they flip all over the goddamn place like a whole Flying Circus of French Faggots. Two fucking minutes of being exposed to these assclowns and Donatello backflips 5 feet to his computer. It's that goddamn stupid but its never pointed out and so mercilessly ragged on like the classic turtles are.

So unless you have been doing something more constructive with your time like dunking your head in an unflushed public toilet the whole movie is about shattered dimensions and crap. The classic turtles were kicking Shredder's ass but the Technodrome's trans-dimensional portal merged the two worlds in a freak accident. It's the same brainless Star Trek fan fiction bullshit that nerds use for everything.

So now there's the classic four turtles and the new four turtles, but every movie needs enemies right? I actually had some hope for this movie when I saw the classic villains. Shredder, Krang, and even Bebop and Rocksteady and they all look just like they did in the classic cartoons, but they sound like shit... especially Krang who never stops burping out of his mouth. Yeah hardy fucking har. But Shredder can't beat all eight turtles so he hunts down the new cool Shredder who is basically a pissed off gumdrop floating out in space.

So yeah in the 2003 new Ninja Turtles universe, Shredder is an alien brain called an Utrom that crash landed on Japan in the year 600AD and lives in robot bodies. If the classic 1980's characters actually get a good jab in on the 2003 counterparts it's when the Shredders meet and the classic Shredder's like "The world will tremble before the power of mighty Shredder and his... pink slug?"

But the new Shredder is a pretty badass gumdrop who inhabits a cyber suit that looks pretty sweet. He goes on a power trip and does everything he can to destroy all Ninja Turtle dimensions by destroying the core dimension, the first incarnations of the ultra violent and Frank Miller-style comic book series. So the gumdrop Shredder gets hold of mutagen (ooze) and starts making an army of mutants as well as raiding the Technodrome to upgrade the Foot Soldiers and turning the Technodrome itself into the Death Star form Star Wars. Whoever wrote this movie must have done all his writing at some nerd convention to have been this 'inspired'.

So alright the new Shredder is pretty cool and seeing the original turtles kick ass is kick ass but they can't keep a good thing going because they had to shift the environment to a mock classic Ninja Turtle universe. 1980s Donatello makes a dimensional portal out of a flashlight and the four turtles escape a raid on the 2003 ultra hightech lair by transporting themselves into the 1980's universe. Here and I get pissed off again when in the very same minute the classic 1980's heartthrob April O'Neil gets attacked by giant mutant bananas and bowling pins. You read that right and I don't understand it at all either. That same scenario in a more 'adult-orientated' kind of movie would be pretty fun to watch, but this is still a family show so having April O'Neil wrestling with giant phallic symbols doesn't make much sense.

How can this kind of shitfest be LEGAL? Isn't this slander or libel or something you can sue for? Shredder and Krang are just as incompetent as Bebop and Rocksteady. The technology of the classic Ninja Turtles universe is patronized as being simple 'rewiring of flashlights'. The foot soldier robots explode with only a punch.

The movie overglorfies the new trendy and dead serious ninja turtles and they comically crucify the classic Ninja Turtles series by taking the nitpicks of the original cartoon and exaggerating them until I shit a cinderblock on my girlfriend's sofa.

Were the classic turtles comic? Yes but they didn't noogie eachother EVER.
Did April O'Neil get kidnapped on a daily basis? Yes but not by evil walking fruits, sports equipment, and LEPRECHAUNS (not making that up)!
Were Krang and Shredder incompetent? Yes but they didn't try to kill the Turtles with a TICKLE RAY.

Fine some good points of this Cleveland Steamer I put in my DVD player was that the last part in the final universe was pretty fucking awesome because all TWELVE of the Ninja Turtles kicked a ton of ass against the new Shredder, and even the two Splinters, and the classic Krang and Shredder fought beside our heroes as they battled the new Shredder. And watch for the part where Bebop and Rocksteady accidentally win the fight because I was laughing so hard that a piece of pepperoni pizza came out of my nose. That one scene was the only real nostalgic enjoyment I got out of the movie and that was worth the whole $5 I spent right there.

It's like the last 20 minutes of the movie tries to apologize for the DVDs completely biased and shitty depiction of the 1980's classic Ninja Turtles as being four completely useless assclowns who only make jokes, throw trash cans, and fix machines by hitting them or tying the wires together like shoelaces.

I almost forgave the movie because of its ultra climax with the four black-and-white original badass Ninja Turtles but rewatching this movie to write this Turtles Forever review only makes me hate this movie more. If they didn't intentionally try to crush my childhood under their retarded feet I would have given a thumbs up to other Ninja Turtles fans but now I'm holding my middle fingers to my DVD player.

But maybe I am being the biased one? Get off your ass and rent this movie for yourself and make up your own mind. If you can score this film off of Netflix or some cheap alternative then I'd tell you go for it.

Leave a Comment

Morrigan
17 Aug 2010, 16:58

The reviewer who wrote this is great but when I saw Ninja Turtles Forever I was even more mad than the reviewer. What they did to our ninja turtles was horrible.

General Zod
11 Sep 2010, 22:30

This is the funniest review on the website I have read so far. Keep up the excellent work.

Headache
18 Sep 2010, 01:20

What? You're kidding me right? The REAL classic Turtles were never made fun of. I read the originals in high school. (Yeah, I'm old....WHAT?)

They made fun of the sellout turtles. Now some of you might have grown up with those turtles that were ridiculed so much, but when I was a fan, the Turtles only kicked ass. THAT IS ALL. There are even tits in the originals... AND BLOOD!

When the creators sold, and it was surely worth their while, the story got super cheesy to sell toys to kids. Sure, I had a Michelangelo action figure with bobblehead style swinging chucks glued to the dash of my first car. It still sucked to see it go so soft from where it had been. This movie held me enthralled through the whole thing, because I very much enjoyed the ridicule of the sellouts. I even fully enjoyed when they turned a flashlight into an interdimensional transporter with some wires and the smack of a wrench. I have, after all been a TMNT fan since the very start of them. The final sequence of the movie with the original Turtles was spectacular. The classic turtles taking names while all the others were still standing around showed the true superiority of the gritty, original NINJA Turtles. I will admit, however that the sellout Turtles did stop Shredder from destroying everyone with an exploding ninja shuriken... :)
They even tied all of the Turtles ever seen (and some that have never been seen) and tied them into the plot seemlessly. I highly recommend this DVD to anyone who has been a fan of any version at any time.

RITOS
19 Sep 2010, 23:43

You gave me a headache, Headache. When I wrote that the 'classic' turtles are being ripped a new asshole I meant the classic 1980s turtles not the black and white hardasses that I really thought made the movie. I keep calling the 80's turtles 'classic' the same way you call them 'sellouts'. It just comes down to my first fond memories of the turtles were the 80s exploited turtles and not the hardass and cool as fuck original turtles like you were.

Were the 80s turtles campy? Oh hell yeah I'd lie if I said they werent but they never acted as retarded as they are depicted in Turtles Forever and thats my whole damn rant in a peanutshell. In your eyes the 80s turtles got their asses handed to them because they were pisspoor excuses compared to your first fond memory of them from the original comic books and if I was in your shoes I would have pissed myself laughing like a retard watching a dumptruck full of candy spilling into a petting zoo. But my childhood saturdays were early mornings, sugar cereal, and turtle power, and this movie gave it all a big 'FUCK YOU' so i'm giving it back.

Kenny F.
07 Jun 2011, 10:18

I watched it off of youtube, and for what it was, I enjoyed it. Granted, I remembered your review and agreed on some parts, such as the tickle ray (seriously, what the fuck? These are the same villains who tried to conquer the world five times via the Technodrome and/or Dimension X's rock soldiers? (I'm referring to the finales of Seasons 1-3,7,8)). Bebop and Rocksteady are so bad at their jobs that they ended up kicking the New Shredder's ass, and that's what made the ending worth it for me. That, and the original Ninja Turtles ridiculing the 2003 Turtles :P.

chillout010
17 Sep 2011, 19:48

All I've read about this movie is how awesome it is and how it would be the perfect ending to the tmnt saga.

But i'm gonna have to agree with Ritos here and say FUCK THIS MOVIE!! The 80's Turtle sure were silly and goofy, but were not goofballs.

The worst part for me is when they're "fighting" the Mirage studio Raphael. You would think that after fighting guys like the Shredder, a Krang the size of King Kong, rock soldiers, armies of foot soldiers and the freaking Technodrome they would at least try.

But no, when faced with Raphael (yeah, just one turtle) they simply drop their weapons and fucking run!!!! They're completely terrified!! They are running away, scared, like big, green, damn pussies.

At that point I realized the writers made this movie for the sole purpose of spitting on the 80's turtle's fan's face.

A big FUCK YOU to all of us is what it is.

Headache
18 Sep 2011, 11:14

Heh heh. The original creators, Eastman and Laird sold their bad ass turtles to corporate marketing gurus... Their bad? Yes. I don't think they got a penny from all the toys. I think maybe, at one point they regretted selling out. This movie brought it back home for me. In the original, there was no cowabunga. Michaelangelo did not act like a hungry stoner all the time. There was not a real goofball element to it. In fact, it was a comic intended for adults. I think their original vision of the turtles would make the best damn movie ever if they did it full force. I understand the frustration fans of the colored headband and mystery machine type van and sugar cereal friendly phrases and toys. But what I see here is the original creators getting a chance back at the reins. They poo-poo the Sunday morning turtles, because there is no real ninja in them at all. Because incidentally, a ninja is an Assassin. Someone trained to kill in the most efficient and deadly manner possible. I watched the movie again recently and loved it even more this time around. If this movie was really saying FUCK YOU to the Sunday cartoon turtles and their fans, they would have been left out all together. I think the way they were able to include every era incarnation of the turtles without making the movie too convaluted was brilliant. Say what you will about this movie, but to me it was a movie about REVENGE straight from the hearts of the original creators who had to watch their creation be watered down and cheesefied to sell as many toys as possible. I fucking loved it!

Travis
01 Oct 2011, 16:08

I think you're a little too fanboy, buddy. Have you ever gone back and actually watched the 80's turtles? Attack of the 50 ft. Irma. I rest my case.

Headache
01 Oct 2011, 21:37

Are you kidding me? I own all them all on VHS...

I'm just saying that I like the portrayal of the original b&w turtles from "turtle prime"... They were exactly as they were originally created.

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TMNT Turtles Forever Review

The Ninja Turtles that I GREW UP WITH AND CHERISH are now the ass-end of a string of stupid jokes designed to make the new series look cooler than it actually is!

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