The Best and Worst Games on the Playstation Network (Playstation 3)

#5 - The Red Baron

Snoopy would rather lick his balls than go toe-to-toe with this Red Baron. The game is a very generic flight simulator, minus the 'simulator', where you shoot down other World War I era biplanes. Horrible controls cripple the game, and the horrible graphics makes the game nearly unplayable. The whole thing looks and feels like a horrible Playstation 2 tech demo, and for $9.99, your better off setting the money on fire and tossing it out of a moving car.

Horrible, horrible, horrible!!

#4 - PAIN

Don't believe the hype, this game is AWESOME... FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!

The concept is that you are one of a multitude of downloadable characters (for $2 each) that gets shot off of a giant slingshot into a fully destructible sandbox-like city. You can shoot your character into little old ladies, have him get run over by a subway car, have him get involved in horrifically painful traffic accidents, or whatever other kinds of sadomasochistic foolishness you would fantasize of if you had a wet-dream about Wile E. Coyote. The violence is cartoonish, but the underlying themes are very tongue-in-cheek. There's a lot of perverse jokes if you pause the game and look at the signs and billboards of the cityscape, which is probably the only way to make this game last an extra half-hour after you've destroyed everything there is to destroy, and after you've played your 99th game of 'HORSE' with someone just as stupid and socially-inept as yourself.

I would mention the Add-On Content like the Theme Park expansion, but you know what? For ANOTHER $10, it's not worth the price of admission...

#3 - Linger in Shadows

The most mind-fucking acid trip you'll ever watch. Flying basset-hounds, a mechanical octopus, surreal landscapes, and a black cloud that consumes everything it touches; it's all mindfuckery. For $2, Linger in Shadows looks awesome and showcases some of the potential of the Playstation 3 hardware.

The problem?

IT'S NOT A FUCKING GAME! It's a damned artsy-fartsy tech demo/video that you can pause and rewind with minimal camera control. You don't do shit except for watch this fucker multiple times and collect trophies for wiggling the controller now and again. DO NOT BUY, JUST WATCH THE DAMN 'FREE' VIDEO INSTEAD.

You know what? Here:

There, I just saved you $2 fucking dollars. Thank me by sending it to the following address:

Behind the loose brick on the southeast corner
The stalls of Fat Louie's Italian Restaurant
320th Street South
The password is 'hand banana'

#2 - Jeopardy!

Cliff Clavin, the bar trivia-loving mailman from the television sitcom, 'Cheers', would go postal if he saw how his beloved American pastime, Jeopardy!, had been so cornholed on the Playstation Network. Sure, the game has the puzzles of the game Jeopardy!, but so little else. No Alex Trebek doing so much as a brief introduction let alone a full voice over, and not even the annoying-as-fuck Jeopardy! Theme. NO, NOT HAVING THE THEME IN THE JEOPARDY GAME DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER! Combine that with the lack of customizable characters, a stale multiple-choice answering system, and a fucking $15 price tag, pounding nails through your dick while whistling the Jeopardy! Theme would be not only more entertaining, but also a more accurate representation of the television game show.

#1 - Anything with 'GO!' in the title

Yeah, you THINK that my #1 is a joke, if you never played these rancid pieces of shit. For those who have paid money to suffer at the hands of even ONE of these games, "I call you my brother." 'Kindred spirits', and all that mushy bullshit. Seriously, get together two people who have bought these games and let them talk to each other; it's like two Vietnam veterans sitting in the park, telling each other sad, horrific stories of how each of them lost their leg. IT'S NOT FUNNY, IT'S GODDAMN TRAGIC.

The worst thing is that, judging by the similar prefix 'Go!' in the titles, these are supposed to be Sony's retaliation to the 'Wii' game line (seriously?). I'm not fooled, and neither is anyone else. The WiiSports titles are FUN and interesting, and usually FREE with the console; however the Go!Sports games have no charm to them and feel like half-finished games that they have the nerve to charge you about $5 for. Coupled with horrible gameplay and a complete lack of content is what nails the coffin lids on these turds. For your own benefit, I'll summarize all of them for you:

• Go!Sudoku - It's Sudoku with a timer. Finish the neon-lit sudoku game before time runs out. Lame.

• Go!Puzzle - A collection of THREE absurd puzzle games. It's like paying for Tetris or any freebie generic Flash game. Fuck that.

• Go!Sports Ski - This one I thought would be fun, like SSX Snowboarding. Skiing with the SixAxis sounded interesting, and almost fitting. Was fun until I realized there were only TWO tracks, and you can customize your character by only changing out your hats and pants. Bullshit. A half-assed tech demo, and a waste of money.

• Go!Sports Skydiving - You virtually jump out of an airplane and use the SixAxis to do formations. In reality, I look like a fucking bird, flapping its arms in my living room, all in a desperate but futile attempt at flight as my virtual persona hurls to the ground like a rock. In the end, I decide to NOT open the chute, let my character crash to the earth, and then I try to drown all memory of the previous 10 minutes of my life with a bottle of bourbon. Does paying $8 for virtual suicide sound like fun to you? If so, save yourself the money, and 'immerse yourself' by jumping off a fucking bridge... But first, send me the $8.

How do people get away with peddling this kind of SHIT?