The Creepiest Legend of Zelda Fan in the World!
We at “Cheshire Cat Studios” have decided to pull a George Lucas and re-release some of the most memorable bits from our earlier episodes for you to enjoy. We couldn’t help but feel like our good friend (if you could call him that) the “Dark Master” got buried under a ton of other personal life stories in the original “Fanboy Idiocy” recording, so to show our imperishable love for that lonely loathsome creep we’ve dedicated a stand alone video to B-Mask’s fateful encounter with the Dark Master — possibly the “creepiest Legend of Zelda fan” in the world.
B-Mask: I would say that there is a line, and this is where I should probably bring up the Legend of Zelda incident. I think there is a line where you have to say-
CineMax: Hmm hmm hmm!
B-Mask: -that they may be enjoying it a little too much. And with CineMax’s help I shall reinact exactly what happened.
CineMax: oh yes, we shall.
B-Mask: I had an incident recently when I’ve been working on the Legend of Zelda Documentary (skyward sword the history of zelda on youtube dot com slash crashorts of evil okay thanks bye).
Kenny Farino: Pluggy plug plug
B-mask: Oh please I don’t even know the meaning of the word
LaughingMan: Unless it has a BUTT in the prefix
B-mask: Yeah, exactly. But I had an incident where I was trying to promote my Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword history of zelda documentary and a lot of people on the Zelda dungeons forum were saying to me there was this other guy making a documentary named the Dark Master. You should talk to him and you should come to some sort of agreement and he’s doing all kinds of work and filming the games himself and he’s a really great guy and he’s Jesus, he’s our Lord and Savior. He’s the best guy ever. And I was like Okay I’ll check this guy out and I’ll talk to him. So I bring him up on Skype and he’s already a little bit weird to me. His sentences are very clipped, he types in things that are like “hey thanks man” and “that’s cool”. No grammar, and no commas or anything and, I dunno, I find that creepy sometimes. So I finally get into a Skype chat with him and the voice I am greeted with is
Dark Master: (creepy guttural voice) Hrmm… uhh…. Hello? How you doing there?…
LaughingMan: He sounds like that strong bad guy, Senor Cardgage.
B-mask: You sound, you sound ‘different’ and he says “I’m making a Legend of Zelda documentary… errr… like you are.” And I was like, Okay this guy sounds like the creepy pedophile from down the road, who I’ve named Uatu (an obscure Marvel Reference there). This guy was terrifying. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and said “So what’s your documentary going to be about?”
Dark Master: It’s going to be about me, I’m going to be this Dark Master, and ehh…. Ooh! I’m going to have this assistant and I’m going to call him Shit Face, and I hate him and I kick him… It’s going to be really funny, you know?
B-mask: And I’m like “Okay… yeah… alright… no, I’m not scared. Why do you think I’m scared?” And he’s continuing and he says,
Dark Master: I really like the Legend of Zelda CD-i games. Uhhh… You know… In my opinion they’re the best in the series. And in this documentary of mine, my characters going to talk about the other games too but what he really wants is for the Legend of Zelda CD-i games to become loved by everybody.
B-Mask: And I have this image in my head of everyone standing around and worshipping “Link mah boi!” and it’s just not good for anyone’s health. So I say “Okay, this… this could work… you might want to change it a little… you might want to open it up to another audience…”
Dark Master: You think it could work?
B-mask: “Yeah yeah, I think it could work if you make it available to other people to enjoy…” And then, out of the blue. Out of the fucking blue, he says to me:
Dark Master: So, uhh… personally I think that a Zelda game would be really good if, uhh… you know, uhh… ZELDA GETS AIDS!
LaughingMan: What the fuck?!
Dark Master: Yeah, Zelda gets them from Gannon. Gannon gave Zelda her AIDS, and then Link has to go and take away Zelda’s AIDS. And save the entire entire kingdom and I think it would make for a really tragic story. Heartwarming you could even say…
Kenny Farino: It’s part of Gannon’s evil master plan: Destroy Hyrule with AIDS!
Everyone gives Ken a weird look.
Kenny Farino: … Sorry…
B-mask: And so my response was “Hey my mom is calling and I have to go eat dinner, maybe you and I can talk again sometime around two-thousand-never?”. And he’s like
Dark Master: But, uhh, what about the AIDS idea, and the Zelda CD-i games?
B-mask: “Okay thanks bye!” And that was it. I just ran away, closed the door, hid under my sheets and went to sleep. “there’s some things between Heaven and Hell, Horatio, that it’s best we don’t’ know the fuck about” and that includes Zelda with AIDS.
CineMax: Will, are you sure the conversation went like that and wasn’t just like (in Dark Master voice) “Hey B-mask, what are you wearing?”
CineMax continues in creepy voice: “I hear you like Zelda… I like Zelda, too…”
LaughingMan does the Dark Master voice: “Wanna see my triforce?”
CineMax: What if you dress up like Zelda and I’ll be Ganon, and we’ll give each other AIDS!”
B-mask: It’s scary how good you are at that, do you have a lot of practice?
LaughingMan: CineMax, you don’t happen to double as a Legend of Zelda documentary do you? “Oh shit, it’s B-Mask! I can’t sound like CineMax! (starts creepy voice) Hello this is the Dark Master, I want to give B-mask and Zelda AIDS!”
Kenny Farino laughing: Oh my god.
CineMax: When the AIDS thing didn’t work I just started making all sorts of weird sounds like
Scene of Dark Master making fapping noises on Skype
CineMax: And he would still not get my point.
B-mask: No, it was terrifying and I’m glad I never have to go through that again. I lost a load of viewers but fuck it there’s a lot of things we have to do in this world just to retain our dignity.