E3 2013 Microsoft Xbox Conference: TV, Movies, DRM and Dogs
The CCS crew had the best seats at this year’s E3 show! In front of a laptop, watching it live…
E3. Electronics Entertainment Expo. The gaming industry’s annual vanity fare. A time of disproportionate lies, crushed dreams, and never-ending disappointment for the mistreated gaming masses. An obsolete tradition that serves no purpose other than to stroke the Big 3’s egos and further confirm the fact that the gaming industry is rapidly becoming less and less concerned about actual games. THAT SAID, it’s also a precious vault of unintentional comedy that’s just too precious to miss.
Which is why, for the first time ever, the CCS crew has decided to sit through the entire E3 2013 show to share their thoughts on what the gaming industry has offer for this next year. We’ll be covering all five conferences (Microsoft, EA, Ubisoft, Sony, and Nintendo) in real-time (at least from our perspective) as well as giving quick reviews of the shows once they’re done. So grab your favorite snacks and sit tight ‘cos Cheshire Cat Studios is storming E3! From their laptops, thousands of miles away from the actual event…
B-Mask: Hey everyone, are you sick and tired of hearing about E3 2013 yet? Yes? Perfect! We at Cheshire Cat Studios feel the need for redundancy. And managed to record our live reactions to the E3 2013 conferences. And believe me, it was quite something.
B-Mask: Be amazed as we walk you through this year’s E3. Also known as “one hundred reasons not to buy an xbox one”. Enjoy!
MICROSOFT XBOX LOGO
LaughingMan: I love how at the bottom of my screen it says “dogs and sports and drm and tv and movies…”
Kenny: TV TV TV TV
B-Mask: Oh, it begins…
MICROSOFT’S 2013 E3 CONFERENCE BEGINS
METAL GEAR SOLID 5 WITH SNAKE RIDING A HORSE
B-Mask: Horses are confirmed!
LaughingMan: Goddamn they really are pandering to the animal demographic, aren’t they?
CineMax: Still no sign of the dogs.
Kenny: No they’re just warming up to get to the dogs. Get your shit straight.
METAL GEAR SOLID 5’S BIG BOSS
CineMax: Oh hey, it’s Nick Fury! It’s white Nick Fury.
Kenny: Why exactly is he in Afghanistan like every other First Person Shooter FPS game?
B-Mask: I think they’re about to tell us.
BIG BOSS’S HORSE REARS
B-Mask: IT’S Red Dead Re- Metal Gear Solid.
CineMax: Or Assassin’s Creed future edition.
BIG BOSS HIDES BEHIND THE HORSE’S BROAD SIDE WHILE RIDING PAST ENEMIES
Kenny: Oh that’s kind of neat.
LaughingMan: LOL! A new breed of stealth! I see the horse but I don’t see the rider. Nothing suspicious about that. There must not be anyone there.
CineMax: You can see the horse, you can see his saddle, and you can see his other foot below the horse.
LaughingMan: Who can’t see a horse? He’s better off walking on foot.
VARIOUS MODES OF TRANSPORTATION
BIG BOSS DRIVING A TANK
Kenny: Wait… Why is Metal Gear Solid 5 first-person now? Why is he driving in the first person?
CineMax: Because Battlefield does it… Wait, he was in a Jeep five seconds ago.
BIG BOSS ENTERS A JEEP AND DRIVES TO A CLIF THEN EXITS.
CineMax: Oh, Grand Theft Auto: Afghanistan Edition.
LaughingMan: He drove the Jeep like twenty fucking feet and then got out.
BIG BOSS SNEAKS INTO THE BACK OF A FLATBED DESERT VEHICLE
CineMax: So is this Hijacking: The Game?
UNPARALLELED STRATEGIC FREEDOM
LaughingMan: Hitchhiker: The Game
Kenny: Nice audio as always, but vastly different gameplay
BIG BOSS SMOKES A CIGARETTE WHILE THE PASSAGE OF TIME OCCURS IN GAME
REALISTIC PASSAGE OF TIME
B-Mask: I love that “realistic passage of time”! As opposed to any other game that works on an in-game clock.
BIG BOSS SNEAKING INTO A DESERT ENCAMPMENT
CineMax: So now a Metal Gear Solid game will actually feel like four years…
DEEPER STEALTH ACTION
CineMax: “Deeper stealth action!”
Kenny: Those are pretty awesome graphics I have to say.
BIG BOSS SHOOTS ENEMIES WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE
B-Mask: Oh look at that stealth!!
BIG BOSS IS HOLDING A CAPTURED AND TIED UP MASTER MILLER’S FACE IN A COMPLETELY NON-HOMOEROTIC WAY
B-Mask: Look, one hand makes all the difference.
CineMax: So that’s the “deeper stealth action”. “Kiss me, you dummy!”
QUIET THE SNIPER DEPRIVED OF HER WORLD
CineMax: Oh hey, I didn’t know that Laura Croft was in this game.
LaughingMan: Speaking of “deeper”… deeper, snake, deeper!
ELI A YOUTH WHO CURSES HIS FATE
B-Mask: Did you see the description for this kid? ‘A youth who curses his fate’. Does his face belong to us all are?
SKULL FACE A GHOST WITHOUT A PAST
CineMax: Skull Face? Oh hey, it’s Black Mask from Batman.
B-Mask: I just noticed something, didn’t Metal Gear Solid used to be a Sony franchise? And this is the Microsoft conference. That’s gotta hurt…
CHILDREN IN JAIL CELLS ARE GIVEN DIAMONDS
B-Mask: Oh, I’m REALLY crying inside…
BURNING WITH REVENGE
B-Mask: Burning With Revenge! In outer Heaven! … Is this even in English?
PUNISHED SNAKE A FALLEN LEGEND
CineMax: Punished Snake! Men become demons!
MASTER MILLER AND PUNISHED SNAKE ARE LIMPING IN EACHOTHER’S ARMS
B-Mask: Men also help each other out in very inappropriate fashions.
CineMax: Hold me tightly!
LaughingMan: it’s like a Michael Bay movie with the helicopter against the setting sun.
CineMax: METAL GEAR SOLID 5: THE PHANTOM PAIN- *snickers* The Phantom Pain?! Must I make references to the earlier totally non-homoerotic scene? And the “deeper stealth?”
HIDEO KOJIMA IS STANDING AT THE MICROSOFT XBOX ONE CONFERENCE
CineMax: Why does Hideo Kojima look so shame-faced?
B-Mask: He does!
LaughingMan: He realizes he’s making the only game for the XBOX ONE.
CineMax: “Sorry Sony, I had no choice…”
Announcer: “We can’t wait to see more of this hit, and we’d like to thank (hideo kojima)-”
B-Mask: “Thank you, we’ve got nothing else!”
CineMax: LOL. That’s it? That’s it?
Announcer: This is an exciting day for our teams!
B-Mask: LOL! No it hasn’t been!
Announcer: Before we move on to exclusively XBOX ONE, let’s take a look at what’s coming to Xbox 360
B-Mask: LOL! *chants* We want a dog! We want a dog! We want a dog! … Yusuf Mehdi? That means a lot… Oh it’s this douche bag.
Kenny: Who is he?
LaughingMan: A douche bag.
Yusuf Mehdi: Let’s start with the console itself. To better fit into your home and into the Xbox Family, we’re going to update the Xbox 360-
B-Mask: It already fits into my home as it is.
LaughingMan: And the Xbox 360 still fucking works, which is surprising.
CineMax: Plus didn’t the slim version come out just two years ago?
CineMax: Xbox 360 small.
LaughingMan: Xbox 360 sleek.
Kenny: Damn, now I have to buy a new Xbox 360 for myself and my girlfriend.
LaughingMan: I’d better throw out my working Xbox 360. Whoo-hoo…
Yusuf Mehdi: Lightning returns in Final Fantasy XIII!
Kenny: Oooh… Lightning returns in a new Final Fantasy XIII game, because we really need another one of those…
CineMax: Oh hey Grand Theft Auto V being announced like it’s an exclusive title only for the Xbox 360…
B-Mask: This is a man talking and he really doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.