E3 2013 Sony Playstation Conference: Flawless Victory! Or not
E3. Electronics Entertainment Expo. The gaming industry’s annual vanity fare. A time of disproportionate lies, crushed dreams, and never-ending disappointment for the mistreated gaming masses. An obsolete tradition that serves no purpose other than to stroke the Big 3’s egos and further confirm the fact that the gaming industry is rapidly becoming less and less concerned about actual games. THAT SAID, it’s also a precious vault of unintentional comedy that’s just too precious to miss.
Which is why, for the first time ever, the CCS crew has decided to sit through the entire E3 2013 show to share their thoughts on what the gaming industry has offer for this next year. We’ll be covering all five conferences (Microsoft, EA, Ubisoft, Sony, and Nintendo) in real-time (at least from our perspective) as well as giving quick reviews of the shows once they’re done. So grab your favorite snacks and sit tight ‘cos Cheshire Cat Studios is storming E3! From their laptops, thousands of miles away from the actual event…
B-Mask: Here we go! The 2013 Sony E3 conference!
CineMax: Ahh, soothing music.
B-Mask: It sure is Sony…
LaughingMan: Sony knows that they got this one in the bag after the abysmal XBox One rumors of DRM controls, always online, and Call of Dogs.
Ken: Yeah at least Sony’s not going with the self-congratulatory light show like EA Games.
B-Mask: Oh give them time… give them time…
SELF-CONGRATULATORY LIGHT SHOW
LaughingMan: Here it comes, the light show!
B-Mask: What did I tell you.
SONY’S SCREENS SHOW TRIPPY WARPING 3D EFFECTS SPLICED WITH VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE
LaughingMan: Let’s do the time warp again!
CineMax: What is this, Dr. Who The Game?
B-Mask: Yeah, feels that way.
HARD DRIVING “ULTRA-WUB-WUB-WUB” TECHNO MUSIC AND PEOPLE DANCING AROUND THE SONY CONTROLLER ICONS
Ken: Ummm, okay?
B-Mask: This sure looks like games!
ICONS REVEAL THE SONY PLAYSTATION LOGO
B-Mask: Come on guys, we know who you are. Just get to the franchises.
Ken: Wub wub wubbidy wub…
B-Mask: Lots of wub. I’m trying to make out what half of these games are.
Ken: Yeah, it’s a little hard.
TWO STEPS FROM HELL’S “HEART OF COURAGE” PLAYS IN THE TRAILER
LaughingMan: I hear Two Steps From Hell!
B-Mask: Oh! Is that another Infamous game?
CineMax: Yeah, Two Steps From Hell.
LaughingMan: We were bitching about not playing Two Steps From Hell music in two different conferences, and now Sony delivers!
Ken: I think they heard your wish.
LaughingMan: I know, Sony delivered.
ANNOUNCER INTRODUCES SONY AMERICA CEO JACK TRETTON AND PLAY “IMAGINE DRAGONS” BY RADIOACTIVE
B-Mask: Hello Jack Whatever-Your-Name-Is
LaughingMan: Great now they just fucked it up. I hate this song… “welcome to the new age, to the new age…”
Ken: Well at least they’re not flashing people’s names on the screens like we actually care about them.
B-Mask: Yeah, good point.
Jack Tretton: It’s never been a more exciting time to be in the gaming industry.There’s over a billion gamers worldwide, and there’s over 220 million in the United States alone.
B-Mask: He sounds like he’s saying “It’s never been a more exciting time to make money off of sheep.”
Jack Tretton: We had people who started lining up on Friday at noon to be a part of this presentation
B-Mask: Those sad sad people… Don’t cheer. Don’t cheer.You should be weeping.
Jack Tretton: In February we unveiled the most advanced gaming system ever created, The Playstation 4.
B-Mask: That’s a bold claim.
CineMax: Whoa whoa whoa WHOA, hold your horses Jack. The Playstation 4 isn’t even out and he’s like “the most advanced gaming system ever created”.
Ken: “The most advanced technology in the world!”
B-Mask: “So advanced that it doesn’t exist yet!”
JACK TRETTON SHOWING PLAYSTATION VITA STATISTICS
Jack Tretton: “Vita is just getting started-”
LaughingMan: And it’s already dead.
Ken: Yeah the Vita is already dead, are you kidding me?
JACK TRETTON SHOWS VITA LOGO WITH NUMBERS 125 ON THE LEFT AND 650 ON THE RIGHT
Jack Tretton: “… more than 125…”
LaughingMan: The Playstation Vita went from 125 sales to 650!
ANIMATION OF GUY PLAYING THE PLAYSTATION VITA ON AN AIRPLANE
CineMax: Oh hey, you can be “that asshole” on the airplane.
B-Mask: Come on, don’t cheer that, guys.
TEARAWAY GAME FOOTAGE
B-Mask: Oh that looks interesting. COLOR!
Jack Tretton: We’re also remastering our favorite games for the Playstation Vita…
CineMax: Oh no…
Jack Tretton: God of War HD and God of War 2 HD
B-Mask: What a shock…
CineMax: God of War…
Jack Tretton: Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2
Ken: Final Fantasy X and X-2?
B-Mask: Really? Eww… It’s still not Final Fantasy VII
Jack Tretton: And Dead Nation
B-Mask: Did that really need to be on the Playstation Vita?
LaughingMan: Now we’re porting all of our old shit over so you can buy your games twice
B-Mask: Now why does Square-Enix refuse to remake Final Fantasy VII but they’ll remake everything else?
LaughingMan: Because remaking Final Fantasy VII will make them too much money.
B-Mask: It’s totally backwards
Ken: Well Final Fantasy VII looks like ass, but it’s still a great game.
JACK TRETTON SHOWS “THE WALKING DEAD GAME”
CineMax: Wait! The Walking Dead! Shut up!