E3 2014 Review
As if you all haven’t heard enough nerdy ranting in the two weeks since E3 2014 closed its doors, now three more of your favorite internet nobodies are publicizing their own opinions on YouTube!
Join LaughingMan, CineMax and B-Mask as they give their opinions on the best and worst of the 2014 E3 conferences. However, rather than repeating our 2013 E3’s Mystery Science Theater 3000 live reactions format in which we whined about nothing looking new and different for hours, we summarize what we believe are the highs and lows of the Microsoft, EA, Ubisoft, Sony and Nintendo conferences. Which of the conferences won- er, ‘sucked least’? In lieu of our past CCS Video Podcasts, the answer may surprise you. It even surprised us.
We watch in shock at the complete 180-degree ass-kissing shift in attitude by Microsoft after last year’s Adam Orth’s nefarious “deal with it” always-online Xbox One controversies. Games like Call of Duty Advanced Warfare sparks LaughingMan’s faint interest, though not enough to make him yearn for the less patronizing rail-gun shooter / cinematic format of first-person shooters of years past. Sunset Overdrive spoofs the tsunami of cookie-cutter military FPSs and peaks our interest, until it turns dangerously annoying. Project Spark sparks controversy over the cameo appearance of Conker from the beloved cult classic, Conker’s Bad Fur Day. Fable Legends is lacking, but we begin to notice the increase of female characters which will continue throughout the rest of the 2014 E3 conferences. Assassin’s Creed Unity (French Edition) makes its first of three fucking appearances, and contributing to the trend of ‘new’ and ‘innovative’ 4-player co-op gameplay… that we haven’t seen since the days of the Nintendo 64. EA’s motto is ‘same shit, different year’ with the previews of its EA Sports lineup. The Sims 4 is met with ecstatic cheering from the women in the audience, but while, in our own observations, the Sims seems to be a popular game among girls, the reaction sounds suspiciously pre-recorded. Ubisoft curses up a storm while Aisha Tyler stumbles over her own infamous bad jokes. Assassin’s Creed makes yet another appearance much to our indifference. Far Cry 4’s first five minutes introduces us to the charismatic psychopathic villain who drops a racial slur as he stabs a man in the neck repeatedly. Guess which of the two villainous acts has the Tumblr and Twitter Social Justice Warriors in an uproar? Sony comes up to bat, and strikes out as they make the exact same mistake that Microsoft made in the prior year by focusing on Sony TV. TV TV TV. The ‘werewolf in Victorian London’ theme of The Order 1886 shows that its bark was worse than its bite. We also get in our jabs regarding the recent ‘favorite character/franchise’ campaign by Sony and expect another swing at PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale *groan*. The vacuous create-your-own-game, LittleBigPlanet 3, is met with the similar Don’tFuckingCare as Project Spark. But before all is lost, Far Cry 4 once again proves to be the most exciting draw, though in an extremely entertaining Bollywood sort of way. After Sony goes out with a lazy whimper (seriously, nothing from Square-Enix guys? Kingdom Hearts 3 or Final Fantasy?) we’re treated to the biggest surprise of E3 2014: Nintendo’s return to the conference floor. Nintendo pulls out all of the stops and severely divides the opinions of the CCS Video Podcast crew. Robot Chicken makes numerous parodies of Nintendo’s public image and its critics, while Nintendo itself completely fails to rectify those same issues. Because parodies make the problems go away! A new Zelda is announced, but with heavy skepticism by those who’ve played Skyward Sword. Kirby and Yoshi Yarns are met with yawns, while CineMax gets incensed over Nintendo’s “fuck it, here make your own goddamn Mario game” with Mario Maker. Meanwhile, in an after show (Nintendo Tree House) Miyamoto is surprised by a fan asking for a new Star Fox game, which leads B-Mask to analyze exactly what’s wrong with Nintendo and why they’ve been so unable to recapture that classic Nintendo magic. And, naturally, Nintendo continues using Super Smash Bros as a crutch.
In summation, we pretty much saw exactly what we saw last year: same games, same franchises. But wait, isn’t E3 supposed to be about showcasing the games that will be coming out between then and the next E3? What’s up with unveiling these far-future titles with distant release dates? Well children, we hate to break it to you, but E3 isn’t for gamers, it’s for investors and the press. Sorry.