Fanboy Idiocy: Convention Horror Stories, Bronies & Creepy Fanboys

In the fourth installment of the Official CCS Video Podcast, everyone’s favorite gang of Internet nobodies tackles on the eternal issue of rabid fanboys. We bring to you “Fanboy Idiocy”, complete with tons of intimate, inane, and fantastically hilarious stories. We feature the twisted true tales of fanboy idiocy as lived through by Kenny, CineMax, LaughingMan, B-Mask, and introducing Zimes.

A handful of our featured stories include creepy encounters with a mysterious and terrifying Legend of Zelda fan, fangirls pinching Orlando Bloom’s ass, chance roadside encounters with David Letterman, the convention woes of poor hygiene and costumed people with Asperger syndrome, girls stalking wise-cracking MST3K personalities, voice actress Tara Strong and the Brony infestation of YouTube, fans who demand rave critical reviews before ever seeing the movies in question, and much more!

LaughingMan: Live from Montana, Alaska, Virginia, England, and… Where ever the fuck Max is at. Donkey-rape-ia, most likely.

Everyone: *Group laughter*

KennyFarino: It’s the Official CCS Video Podcast!

B-Mask: Now we know where Sonic 06 came from.

Everyone: *Group laughter*

CineMax: Hey! Don’t you dare… No, wait. Melvin voice. Don’t you dare diss on my Sonic! His relationship with Princess Elise wasn’t creepy at all!

Kenny: *Laughs* Oh, shit…

B-Mask: Right. So, how are we going to start this?

CineMax: Start with your story. Start with a confession that you are a dirty, good-for-nothing brony!

LaughingMan: LOL.

B-Mask: No. I wanted to build up to that! I wanted to soften the blow…

CineMax: Confess your sins! CONFESS YOUR SINS, BOY!

LaughingMan: Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

B-Mask: *Laughs* Fear and surprise! Surprise and fear!

LaughingMan: Two things! Two things!

B-Mask: Don’t you try and claim that, bitch. That’s my country’s!

LaughingMan: *Laughs hysterically* Stay on your side of the pond, fuckhead!

B-Mask: I mean, granted, it’s making fun of the Spanish. But hell, we came up with that first!

KennyFarino: I WROTE FAN-FICTION!

Everyone: …

B-Mask: What? What you on about? Get out of here! *Laughs*

KennyFarino: Once upon a time, when I was much younger, I wrote fan-fiction.

LaughingMan: Oh, that’s you fanboy idiocy, then, eh, Ken?

KennyFarino: Yeah. It is my fanboy idiocy…

LaughingMan: *Laughs* I’m asking because we’re all talking about Monty Python and stuff, when all of a sudden you go: “I WROTE FAN-FICTION!” We’re all like: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

Everyone: *Group laughter*

KennyFarino: Well, that’s a confession, isn’t it? *Murmurs* I’m just trying to get this show started…

LaughingMan: Fine, do you little fanboy idiocy, then. About you writing fan-fiction.

KennyFarino: Like I said, when I was younger I used to write fan-fiction. And no, it wasn’t that stupid kinky bullshit that fan-fiction is known for nowadays. It was mainly…

B-Mask: *Laughs uncontrollably*

LaughingMan: YES! IT WAS KEN X SONIC 2006!*

Everyone: *Group laughter*

Ken: *Laughs* Yes, just in Sonic 06 replace Princess Elise with me. It’s fine!

B-Mask: *Laughs* That’s going into the Podcast! Your face, on Princess Elise’s body. Hoo!

Ken: But no, when I was younger I wrote stupid fan-fictions. Because I was, like, into Dragon Ball Z at the time. So, this story was: My Dad, the Idiot. Where, basically, Goku just lost his brain and, like, they try to find it for him. But, in the meantime, he was just, like, ripping off lines from stupid movies. Like Scary Movie. He’s like: “I took a doodie. It was good.”

LaughingMan: Kenny! You, like, preempted That Guy With the Glasses. Completely.

B-Mask: LOL.

CineMax: LOL.

KennyFarino: Yeah, basically. But thankfully I’ve stopped that fan-fiction bullshit. Because I realized it’s bullshit, it’s creepy, and I don’t like it.

B-Mask: Yeah… I mean, when I was a kid I effectively wrote fan-fiction. Because they would say in English class: “Write a story! Write an original story!” And I would be like: “Easy! I mean, please!” And then I would just, like, put in Jak and Daxter and Sly Cooper. And the teacher, who had never heard of them, would be like: “Oh! Here’s, here’s an A. You get top of the class!”

LaughingMan: You’re such a genius for creating a raccoon criminal! This is awesome! You should write a book!

Everyone: *Group laughter*

B-Mask: Well, I’ve been thinking about it…

LaughingMan: The teacher steals your idea, writes a book, and gets sued by Sony!

Everyone: *Group laughter*

B-Mask: I think I remember there was one time where I actually shot myself in the foot for turning it into fan-fiction. Because I started the story as an original one. It’s like, my teacher was: “Oh, that’s great! This is a really great story!” They actually wrote in on the board, and they were like: “Everyone look at how great this story is!” And then I was like: “Well, how can I make it better?” I was watching Monster Rancher at the time, so I figured I’d just put the rest of the episode in there.

LaughingMan: *Laughs hysterically*

B-Mask: And it was like, they handed the report back in. And it was like… It was a D. “You can do better than this. What the hell is a mochi?”

Everyone: *Group laughter*

B-Mask: I was so upset at the time. But looking back at it, I’m like: “What the… What was I thinking?”

[TRANSITION]

B-Mask: Right! Shall we get down to this?

LaughingMan: I thought we already have. *Laughs*

CineMax: But really, wasn’t this Podcast about bashing stupid fans? Not…

KennyFarino: It is. It is.

LaughingMan: We’re still doing that.

B-Mask: Like… Like, I respect you and I’m going to let you finish. But first of all, I want to go through my points. *Laughs*

LaughingMan: Alright, Kanye.

B-Mask: Oh, I gotta love you guys. Anyway. See, I was basically going to say that the thing about fanboys is that it’s a case of arrested development. And this is where I do actually blame Disney, welfare — all that stuff.

KennyFarino: I love that show.

B-Mask: No seriously, because… Okay. When you’re in like the 1800s and the 1600s — you didn’t know you were going to be born and live. You know, there were so many babies, they were like popping out and… *Laughs* Going straight into the ground.

KennyFarino: *Makes Pop! noises*

B-Mask: Yeah! It’s like: POP! BOOM! POP! BOOM! POP! BOOM!

LaughingMan: It’s like Zimes!

Everyone: *Group laughter*

CineMax: He’s a time traveler from that era.

LaughingMan: Eight kids! BOOM!

Everyone: *Group laughter*

B-Mask: No, it’s true. Nobody knew that these kids were going to go through. It’s a harsh world and we had to deal with harsh things. Now, obviously, in the twentieth century everything’s kind of changed. We have longer life expectancy. You know, we just do more in our lives. The entertainment industry changed, and we were all effectively protected in our little homes, with our little jammies and our little slippers. We got to play our little video games and watch our little movies. But the truth is: that industry for children was created way back when, and it just changed the way that we grew up and the way that we surrounded ourselves with that we liked and what we didn’t like, and how we wore what we liked and what we didn’t like on our sleeves. You know, there were more important things during World War 2 than “Did you like the latest rendition of the Macabre that you went to see in the Opera last night?” No! There was a whole goddamn’ war that you had to go out and fight for and everything else was just kind of… a luxury. You actually really treasured going back and listening to whatever was on the wireless or what was going on in the band hall.

And now of course what he have is… Nobody knows what this kind of pain, suffering, and hard work is really like in the same way anymore. Everything’s about the entertainment industry. And we’ve kind of turned that into our work. And as a result, we have created a League of Super Children… Or Super Fat Children, however you like it.

KennyFarino: Oh God! Super babies…

B-Mask: SUPER BABIES! That, like, basically were brought up on all this stuff, and they are completely protected, completely cuddled. And some of them have grown more attached to what they have seen on their television, ‘cos frankly they’ve spent more time with it than they have with the real world. And that’s my opener.

LaughingMan: Well, B-Mask has just pretty much finished off the whole fucking episode. Thank you! *Being caustic*

B-Mask: Oh, okay. Thank you! Bye!

[TRANSITION]

KennyFarino: Fanboyism has been around for a while, honestly. Even before World War 2!

LaughingMan: Yeah, but was there ever a friggin’ Donald Duck versus Daffy Duck camp like there is now…

CineMax: No. Because it was about bigger things back then. One of them being religion, various political idealogies — it was stuff that actually mattered. Unfortunately, now we’re living in a society where…

KennyFarino: Yeah, we just sort of… It’s an epoch where the aren’t really any big issues for us to bond together over. You know, there are no wars, so…

LaughingMan: Well, human nature says that we have to fight about shit. I mean, there’s always tribe A and tribe B. People always fight and take sides, but here they’re taking sides over menial shit.

CineMax: It’s kind of disheartening that we have gone from philosophers battling ideologies in like Ancient Greece to obese, basement-dwelling teenagers agruing who has the bigger boobs: Sakura from Naruto (pictured: Sakura Haruno from Naruto) or some another broad from another anime (pictured: Yoko Littner from Gurren Lagann).

B-Mask: Not to mention this whole thing about… You know, the lack of creativity. We’ve gone from creating characters like anything Hanna-Barbera came up with, or Disney came up, or any such animated company. And now we just have people who are like: “I created Sonic, the Original Character. Do not steal!” You know, it’s just… It’s a complete mess.

KennyFarino: *Mockingly* I’M NOT SONIC! I’M BLONIC!

B-Mask: LOL.

CineMax: *In Melvin voice* HE’S LONG LOST BROTHER!

B-Mask: LOL.

KennyFarino: Yeah, but before we go any further, I have something interesting to add. Really, there was this one hystorical period of fanboyism, which sort of is an exception to this rule, where there was actually a huge Sherlock Holmes fanbase back in the day. To the point where, when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle actually killed Sherlock Holmes, there was such a fan backlash that a) they wrote their own Sherlock fan-fiction (pictured: Sherlock Holmes & The Harlots of the Baskervilles) and b) the demand was so great that he actually brought Sherlock Holmes back to life. So, that was actually the first historical instance of… Fuck, what do you call it?

B-Mask: Popular demand? Public demand?

CineMax: Fanboy rage?

B-Mask: Oh, fanboy rage. Yeah.

KennyFarino: Well yeah, fanboy rage. And also redconning — there we go! — due to, you know, such fanboy rage.

B-Mask: Hmm. Exactly. No, I think that is right. And I should’ve known this becuase I’m like a huge reader of Sherlock Holmes as well. So… *Laughs*

KennyFarino: YOU’RE A FAILURE, WILL!

B-Mask: *Crying noises*

LaughingMan: He’s British. That’s required reading: Sherlock Holmes and the Magna Carta.

B-Mask: *Laughs* Nobody read the fucking Magna Carta. That’s why we’re still…

LaughingMan: LOL.

B-Mask: No, no. Kenny is absolutely right. It is true that this has existed before. And, you know, as we were saying in the Piracy podcast (Internet Piracy — The Official CCS Video Podcast Episode 3) there awalys has been… The public are the ones who will this stuff into existance. But I do think that recently it has become much more a case of arrested development. I mean, I believe that when you look at the people who were into all this stuff way back when, there wasn’t the sort of sense of ignorance that we have now. There is a real kind of scary… Christian extremist if you will views towards there characters. I’ve had people who shot me hate mail for simply suggesting that Oswald (Oswald the Lucky Rabbit) could be a villainous character when I started the Epic Mickey documentary (Beyond Pictures: Epic Mickey — a History of Disney). You know, people get really, really, really attached to this stuff, and if you go against their religion — that’s goodbye to your revenue coming in.

CineMax: *Melvin voice* HOW DARE YOU, YOU BRITISH TWAT! OSWALD (Oswald the Lucky Rabbit) DIED FOR OUR SINS!

Everyone: *Group laughter*

LaughingMan: But there was never like, you know… Back in Acnient Greece there was never like: “PLATO SUCKS! SACRATES RULES! WOOOO~!”

B-Mask: LOL.

KennyFarino: I mean, there was a rivalry between them, but it wasn’t like this fanaticism to that level.

LaughingMan: Yeah! I mean, now we’ve got like Game Console A versus Game Console B. And it’s like: “Which side are you on, bro?” And I’m like: “I’m a gamer. I like both!”

KennyFarino: *Mockingly* YOU’RE STUPID! YOUR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER BECUASE YOU’RE STUPID! Although there are no real differences between the consoles. At least not to the extent where one is really superior to the other. It’s the same with like the SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System) and the Sega Genesis. I mean, all that console war bullshit was started by the advertising campaigns and manipulation back the 90’s, in all honesty…

CineMax: And yet people fell for it and still haven’t realized that they are being used!

KennyFarino: Yeah.

B-Mask: Exactly. No, I’ve just been thinking now that there’s also the fact that… Have any of you been the expos as well?

LaughingMan: No! I will never go to a fucking expo. I’ve seen them, I’ve heard first-hand accounts. I have absolutely no intention to be going around that many people with that little hygiene.

B-Mask: See… *Laughs* Well, it’s not just hygiene. Try brain cells as well! I mean, I went to quite a few expos now. Because it’s kind of fun; you get to pick up merch you wouldn’t otherwise. You know, I picked up Metal Gear Solid and there was a copy of Silent Hill stuck in there, so I’m not complaining.

LaughingMan: Ooh~!

B-Mask: Yeah, seriously. But basically I’ve had encounters with people who let’s say are not completely all there. I mean, you turn up and you think: “Great!” You’ll meet like-minded people who like the same things as you do. You know, it’s going to be great! When I first went I was a little bit younger, I was kind of into One Piece at the time. You know, dressed up as Buggy the Clown. And I was like: “Yeah! Let’s go fucking do this!” Then of course we go up there and you meet people. And you’re like: “Hi!” And they’re like: “OMG! You’re Buggy the Clown from One Piece!” And you’re like: “Yeah. So, um, where do you come from?” And they’re like: “DID YOU KNOW THAT IN ONE PIECE ISSUE #154 THERE’S THAT BIT THAT I REALLY LOVE?!” And it’s like: “Yeah… That’s great, bro. That’s fucking the best. I’m gonna go over there, you can stay here.” You know, it’s just you lose lose any kind of…

LaughingMan: Respect?

B-Mask: Yes, that as well. I was going to say human contact, but I think respect is probably more potent.

LaughingMan: Ramin (Zimes), when you and I were in Seatle, did you ever go to like the Penny Arcade Expo or anything?

Zimes: Oh, hell no.

LaughingMan: Yeah, me neither. *Laughs*

Zimes: I was actually invited one. And it’s like: “Wait a second!” The friend that invited me, he’s a really great guy. He invited me to go to PAX (Penny Arcade Expo) one time and I’m like: “Eh, no thanks, dude. You can go.”

LaughingMan: The very first PAX (Penny Arcade Expo) happened in my, like, last year of college. And we were all like: “Let’s go! Let’s go!” And we were all planning on going and stuff, and then we’re like: “Wait a minute. This is going to fucking convention!”

B-Mask: LOL.

LaughingMan: We’re all psyched. You know, all of us are like: “There are going to be games and all that other stuff. But there also will be other people…” *Laughs*

Everyone: *Group laughter*

KennyFarino: Hygiene, man! Hygiene is important. Hygiene needs to be considered.

LaughingMan: I know.

B-Mask: I will say that there are some benefits to certain fans. Fans who are actually intelligent and utilize going to these conventions. So you get moments that you’re not going to forget. I mean, I went with one of my friends, right? He was dressed as a Jedi. And what was great is that he actually got pulled over by some Stormtroopers and they fucking put the guns to his head. They were like: “You need to go over here, sir.” And we’re like: “Oh shit!” You know, that kind of stuff is awesome.

Zimes: The 501 (The 501st Legion)?

B-Mask: Yes! That’s the one! No, we’ve got so many shots of that guy getting down to his knees. Ah, amazing stuff! But, of course, you don’t get that with the majority of fans. I mean, those guys have actually gone out and thought about something funny to do with the guys, to make their experience worthwhile. But then you’ve got, like, fifteen other hundred really overweight guys who are trying to fill out a costume for Princess Leia. And then it’s like… *Laughs*

Everyone: *Group laughter*

B-Mask: Exactly! Then it starts to get more, you know, uncomfortable.

LaughingMan: It’s like Jabba the Hutt in drag!

B-Mask: *Bursts into laughter* Oh God!

KennyFarino: *Does a Jabba the Hutt impression*

LaughingMan: *In Jabba the Hutt voice* HO! HO! HO! ME SO HORNY!

CineMax: But B-Mask, B-Mask. Just to return to your original story about your encounter with fans. And just think about this for a second: You were just a lone cosplayer. So the chances of you bumping into any of these psychos were pretty slim. But imagine if you were actually a real celebrity — like a renowned voice actor. Imagine how many psychos they encounter when they go to, like, San Diego Comic-Con or all those various expos.

B-Mask: You’ve reminded me! I’ve got a perfect story for that, right? But this wasn’t on an expo. Basically, on Topless Robot (ToplessRobot.Com), which is great geek site, there was a competition where people had to give out stories of… You know, borderline stalker experiences. And I think my favorite one is this: There was this girl who went into a bar. And she actually saw, having dinner, one of the members of Mystery Science Theater 3000. And she was like: “OMG! It’s that guy!” So she goes over to him and says: “Look, I’m a huge fan of yours!” And he’s, you know, being funny and ad-libbing. Like: “How’s the weather?” That kind of stuff. So, they’re shooting the breeze, they’re talking, and then he says: “Do you want to have a photo?” So she gets out her phone, takes a picture with him, she’s happy, she goes back to eat. Now, obviously, there’s that awkward moment when, as she leaves the restaurant later, she’s got to walk back past him. So she walks back past him and, you know, he looks at her. And he’s like: “Yeah. How you doing, again?” And she’s like: “Hey.” And he says: “See ya later.” And she said, before she could even stop herself… She pulled out her phone, pointed it with a really creepy smile and said: “Oh, don’t worry. I WILL be seeing you later.”

LaughingMan: LOL.

KennyFarino: Oh, lordy… Oh no! *Laughs*

Zimes: Wow…

B-Mask: If walls could talk, I swear conventions would have the most amazing shit to talk about. You know… *Laughs*

[TRANSITION]

B-Mask: I would say that there is a line, and this is where I should probably bring up the Legend of Zelda incident. I think there is a line where you have to say-

CineMax: Hmm hmm hmm!

B-Mask: -that they may be enjoying it a little too much. And with CineMax’s help I shall reinact exactly what happened.

CineMax: oh yes, we shall.

B-Mask: I had an incident recently when I’ve been working on the Legend of Zelda Documentary (skyward sword the history of zelda on youtube dot com slash crashorts of evil okay thanks bye).

Kenny Farino: Pluggy plug plug

B-mask: Oh please I don’t even know the meaning of the word

LaughingMan: Unless it has a BUTT in the prefix

Group Laughter.

B-mask: Yeah, exactly. But I had an incident where I was trying to promote my Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword history of zelda documentary and a lot of people on the Zelda dungeons forum were saying to me there was this other guy making a documentary named the Dark Master. You should talk to him and you should come to some sort of agreement and he’s doing all kinds of work and filming the games himself and he’s a really great guy and he’s Jesus, he’s our Lord and Savior. He’s the best guy ever. And I was like Okay I’ll check this guy out and I’ll talk to him. So I bring him up on Skype and he’s already a little bit weird to me. His sentences are very clipped, he types in things that are like “hey thanks man” and “that’s cool”. No grammar, and no commas or anything and, I dunno, I find that creepy sometimes. So I finally get into a Skype chat with him and the voice I am greeted with is

Dark Master: (creepy guttural voice) Hrmm… uhh…. Hello? How you doing there?…

LaughingMan: He sounds like that strong bad guy, Senor Cardgage.

B-mask: You sound, you sound ‘different’ and he says “I’m making a Legend of Zelda documentary… errr… like you are.” And I was like, Okay this guy sounds like the creepy pedophile from down the road, who I’ve named Uatu (an obscure Marvel Reference there). This guy was terrifying. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and said “So what’s your documentary going to be about?”

Dark Master: It’s going to be about me, I’m going to be this Dark Master, and ehh…. Ooh! I’m going to have this assistant and I’m going to call him Shit Face, and I hate him and I kick him… It’s going to be really funny, you know?

B-mask: And I’m like “Okay… yeah… alright… no, I’m not scared. Why do you think I’m scared?” And he’s continuing and he says,

Dark Master: I really like the Legend of Zelda CD-i games. Uhhh… You know… In my opinion they’re the best in the series. And in this documentary of mine, my characters going to talk about the other games too but what he really wants is for the Legend of Zelda CD-i games to become loved by everybody.

B-Mask: And I have this image in my head of everyone standing around and worshipping “Link mah boi!” and it’s just not good for anyone’s health. So I say “Okay, this… this could work… you might want to change it a little… you might want to open it up to another audience…”

Dark Master: You think it could work?

B-mask: “Yeah yeah, I think it could work if you make it available to other people to enjoy…” And then, out of the blue. Out of the fucking blue, he says to me:

Dark Master: So, uhh… personally I think that a Zelda game would be really good if, uhh… you know, uhh… ZELDA GETS AIDS!

LaughingMan: What the fuck?!

Group laughter

Dark Master: Yeah, Zelda gets them from Gannon. Gannon gave Zelda her AIDS, and then Link has to go and take away Zelda’s AIDS. And save the entire entire kingdom and I think it would make for a really tragic story. Heartwarming you could even say…

Kenny Farino: It’s part of Gannon’s evil master plan: Destroy Hyrule with AIDS!

Everyone gives Ken a weird look.

Kenny Farino: … Sorry…

B-mask: And so my response was “Hey my mom is calling and I have to go eat dinner, maybe you and I can talk again sometime around two-thousand-never?”. And he’s like

Dark Master: But, uhh, what about the AIDS idea, and the Zelda CD-i games?

B-mask: “Okay thanks bye!” And that was it. I just ran away, closed the door, hid under my sheets and went to sleep. “there’s some things between Heaven and Hell, Horatio, that it’s best we don’t’ know the fuck about” and that includes Zelda with AIDS.

CineMax: Will, are you sure the conversation went like that and wasn’t just like (in Dark Master voice) “Hey B-mask, what are you wearing?”

CineMax continues in creepy voice: “I hear you like Zelda… I like Zelda, too…”

LaughingMan does the Dark Master voice: “Wanna see my triforce?”

Group laughter

CineMax: What if you dress up like Zelda and I’ll be Ganon, and we’ll give each other AIDS!”

B-mask: It’s scary how good you are at that, do you have a lot of practice?

LaughingMan: CineMax, you don’t happen to double as a Legend of Zelda documentary do you? “Oh shit, it’s B-Mask! I can’t sound like CineMax! (starts creepy voice) Hello this is the Dark Master, I want to give B-mask and Zelda AIDS!”

Kenny Farino laughing: Oh my god.

CineMax: When the AIDS thing didn’t work I just started making all sorts of weird sounds like

Scene of Dark Master making fapping noises on Skype

CineMax: And he would still not get my point.

B-mask: No, it was terrifying and I’m glad I never have to go through that again. I lost a load of viewers but fuck it there’s a lot of things we have to do in this world just to retain our dignity.

CineMax

A subversive excommunicated from [REDACTED] as a result of a failed coup d'etat, CineMax has miraculously managed to reach and find asylum in the Land of the Free. Here he spends his days working for Cheshire Cat Studios, all the while plotting his inevitable return to the motherland to once again foment the flames of revolution.

LaughingMan

The loveable lunatic with the foul mouth and the iconic laugh, Laughingman is the founder of CCS. With more coffee than copper in his bloodstream, he's a full-time website developer by day, and a gamer, editor, and fiction writer by night.

B-mask

B-Mask was not always a purveyor of animation. Having credentials ranging from frog slinger to hash seller, he has experienced life to its fullest extreme from under his tiny rock. He hosts the series known as Beyond Pictures which aims to look beneath the surface of works- understandably difficult in this day and age.

Kenny

Born in the stomach of a whale in a small fishing town in Antarctica, Kenny knew that his life mission would be to end world hunger, save Tibet, and finally learn how to dougie. Instead, he ended up studying law and writing the "Food For Thought" article series for CheshireCatStudios.com. One day, he hopes to become President of Brazil and blow up the moon.

zimes

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