Theaters Suck: Horrible Movie Theater Experiences
Join your hosts LaughingMan, CineMax, Kenny Farino and STAR in this humble video podcast as they describe their own personal cinematic experiences, recall their hilarious movie theater horror stories, lambast concession price gouging, and discuss what movie theaters can do to win them back.
CineMax: Why, hello there, you handsome people of the Internet!
My name is CineMax, and welcome to the second edition of the Official Cheshire Cat Studios Podcast.
Now, as some of you dearies may remember, a whole bunch of yonks ago me and a couple of E-buddies from
CCS got together and produced a round-table review of some lousy Mortal Kombat web-series that, to
tell you the truth, I’m pretty sure most people had already stopped caring about even back then.
Even so, due to the irresistible charm of all of the hosts involved and the project’s unique visual
style, the podcast proved itself to be quite popular, and even received praise from some of the
harshest critics of the ‘Net. And so, since we’re all restless men of action who understand the
importance of timely content to maintain a stable audience, we’d decided to strike while the iron is
hot, so to say, and go on a nine month long hiatus with only a few feeble sporadic attempts to salvage the project. (Yeah, we know: real professional).
Do not fret, however, my friends! ‘Cos luckily for you, we’re not the type of people to throw our
hands into the air after the first failure and rest on our laurels for the rest of eternity. And, in order to prove this to you, we’ve beneficially spent all this time trying to improve every aspect of our show €” all for your pleasure. First, we hired an aspiring young artist who goes by the name of InvertedMind to draw animated avatars of ourselves to better convey the sheer madness that’s happening during our recording sessions (not really; we’re just trying to rip-off Spill.Com). Next, we altered our podcast’s format to trim down all the unnecessary drivel and turn our show into a much more pleasant and intelligible experience for you people (not really; we’re just trying to rip-off The Ricky Gervais Show). And finally, we paid a demented forty-something year old hippie fifty bucks to pretend to be a Virginia college student and tell us all sorts of bizarre stories from his childhood or about his cat who’s secretly an evil genius.
But enough talk! You all have waited for this episode long enough already, so without further ado, please welcome the Official CCS Video Podcast 2.0!
STAR: Hello every one and welcome to the official Cheshire Cat Studios video podcast. I’m Star, and we have with us LaughingMan, Kenny Farino, and the beloved CineMax. And today we’re elaborating a little bit more on a topic I mentioned slightly in my podcast, “the Silver Screen Podcast”: Movie Theater Experiences. So, a couple of questions for everybody here. Up first, do any of you guys have any personal movie theater related horror stories?
LaughingMan: Of course, everybody does.
STAR: Alright, LaughingMan. Do you want to go first then?
LaughingMan: Ah, sure… Alright, am I an expert in movie theater management? No. But I’ve been to different types of movie theaters from small towns to the big Carmike and IMAX theaters in Seattle, Washington, and I won’t blame just the theater but there’s a lot to be desired about the movie-going experience. First of all, the cost of food and drinks is ABSURD. Especially for a big fucking giant box of Jujubes. You get this gigantic fucking box, that looks like the size of a small shoe box, and when you open it up inside of the theater and the size of the packet of candy is the same size as a fucking condom wrapper.
Kenny Farino: Oh Lord…
LaughingMan: And then getting to your seat is another fucking adventure, because walking through rows of seats- You navigate around sticky puddles of spilled of pop from the previous showings like you’re traversing a mine field wearing clown shoes. So you finally manage to keep your shoes clean only to sit your ass down in a seat and feel something seeping into your right butt cheek. It’s very classy…
STAR: This has happened to you? You’ve sat on a wet seat?
STAR: Jesus Christ…
CineMax: Was it a normal theater or in an adult theater?
Group: *Laughing out loud*
Kenny Farino: Oh Lord…
LaughingMan: No dude it was a normal theater. I can’t remember the movie, I think it was that John Cusack movie (Identity) about the hotel and the multiple personalities.
Kenny Farino: I actually got stuck to the floor though…
LaughingMan: No I didn’t get stuck to the floor but I waited until everyone fucking left that theater because I had this huge fucking pop stain on the side of my ass.
Kenny Farino: No no no, I did. I actually got stuck to the floor of a movie theater once.
CineMax: Oh! Do tell.
LaughingMan: Your turn then.
Kenny Farino: LOL. No, I haven’t had any big significant horror stories like LaughingMan has, where he’s gotten, like, wet shit on his seats, but I’ve had many irritating things happen to me. Like when I was a little kid I got stuck to the floor of a movie theater because of all of the sticky shit that was there, so my parents had to literally pry my shoes off of the ground to get me anywhere. And then of course, I took my girlfriend Heather to the 2010 Nightmare on Elm Street movie. And, you know, rated R, guts and blood flying everywhere, everything that you would expect. And then all of a sudden we hear this young child start to cry, and this very young couple starts to get all pissed off and angry *GRRR*. So this young couple takes this baby kid into a fucking Freddy Krueger movie. And they’re just stomping-
CineMax and LaughingMan: LOL
STAR: Yeah because that makes sense…
Kenny Farino: And they’re just stomping down this aisle with this kid freaking the hell out and pissed off as hell that they won’t be able to finish watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie. Of course, very dumb on their part for bringing their kid. But then you have the candy experience, with the Jujubes costing like twenty dollars.
STAR: The candy prices really are ridiculous they should be at least half of what they are, easy.
Kenny Farino: Yeah, so I agree with LaughingMan. It costs twenty dollars just to get a small popcorn, a drink, and some candy. So what my parents do a lot of the times is they usually go to the store across the street and just buy candy and just sneak it their purse.
CineMax: That’s the smartest thing to do.
STAR: Yeah, that’s what my family would do, too. We’d go to the dollar store, get some dollar bags of candy, put them in my mom’s purse or we’d even one-up it and go out and get some Burger King.
LaughingMan: Seriously, the cost of the damn candy is so bad that the most masculine guy ever would probably bring his own purse full of candy and suffer the ridicule just to save like fifty bucks in candy.
Kenny Farino: No the ridiculous part is that- Alright it was me, my dad, my sister, my brother, and three cousins, so seven of us who were going to see the movie The Sitter, and instead of standing in the candy line in the store, I mean, in the theater, what we did was go to the Public’s across the street and basically we each got chips or candy and a drink and all seven of us cost us twenty dollars, all seven of us. It would have cost us almost fifty or sixty dollars candy wise if we bought it in the theaters.
LaughingMan: Alright, it’s Max’s turn.
CineMax: Yeah. Sadly, I don’t have that much horror stories related to theaters, because when it comes to movies, games, books, and pretty much everything else I enjoy, I prefer to do it home, alone, without any distractions. But when I was younger I used to hit the cinemas quite a lot, and I do remember one particularly bad day when I went to see €” what was it? €” I think it was Harry Potter 5. And! Well, I wasn’t the only male in the theater, but there were a lot of girls €” teenage girls, like the ones that watch the Twilight movies.
LaughingMan: Oh boy!
CineMax: And it was impossible to watch the movie, because every time a main character would appear, it was like a rock concert. They just screamed!
Kenny Farino: *Makes weird, almost inhumane noises much to the shock of everyone around*
CineMax: Exactly! And the worst part! I didn’t read the book, and those bitches just kept spoiling the entire movie! It’s like a character shows up! Who was it? That guy who is Harry’s godfather; what’s his name?
Kenny Farino: Serious Black.
CineMax: Yeah, exactly. And the moment he appeared on screen, one of the girl says like: “Oh, do you know he’s going to die at the end?”
LaughingMan: Oh, what a bitch!
CineMax: Yeah. And I go like: “Thanks, bitch! I might as well go home right now.”
STAR: Wait, did you actually yell that? Please tell me you yelled that.
CineMax: Well, not the ‘bitch’ part. But it was something like: “Thank you! Thank you!”
STAR: Damn it!
LaughingMan: I would’ve thrown [!] Wham! Bitch!
KennyFarino: She’s probably not worth the ten dollars.
LaughingMan: I just can’t picture CineMax in a sea of mentally-handicapped jailbait. That’s like hell!
STAR: I definitely feel LaughingMan takes the cake as far as worst movie experiences go. Because I’m kind of like Kenny and Max €” it’s just been little moments. The most recent one I can recall, actually; it’s a little bit funny. My mom, my brother, and I went to see the Green Lantern movie!
CineMax: Oh. You poor thing!
STAR: I liked it! It could’ve been better, but I liked it. Anyway. It was, like, empty theater. Which was awesome; it’s always awesome having the whole thing for yourself.
LaughingMan: Oh yeah.
STAR: And then of course these two shitass little, like, fifteen year-olds, fourteen year-olds came in. And they’re just being little fuckers: they’re being very loud and distracting and, uh, I think they even threw candy or popcorn, or something. And it got to the point when my brother was so fucking annoyed and pissed off that he got up! And my brother’s a little intimidating: he’s, like, six foot, two to two-fifty. And he goes over to the kids! (Laughs) He goes over to the kids, and just hovers over them, and goes: “STOP IT!”
Kenny Farino: Oh Jesus!
STAR: And the kids were kind of like! (Indiscernible noises) Well, facial expressions cannot be recorded on audio, but you get the point. The kids were kind of like: “What the fuck just happened? I’m scared.” And my brother just very angrily walked back to his seat. And we watched the movie, but the kids were quite the rest of the time.
CineMax: By the way!
LaughingMan: MOVING ON!
CineMax: No. I had a question.
LaughingMan: Go ahead.
CineMax: Have you guys ever tried midnight screening?
Kenny Farino: Eh, not really.
STAR: I don’t want to bother with, like, the crowd; I don’t want to wait in line. I don’t have to be at a film for its opening day; I don’t mind giving a couple of days or weeks for the crowd to dies down, so that I can enjoy a nice quitter, uncramped theater.
CineMax: No, no. You see, the thing is! It’s a pity we don’t have Will (B-Mask) with us, because I believe he mentioned how he went to see those, you know, good old Disney movies at midnight screenings! the audience was respectable: they laughed when it was appropriate, they cheered when it was appropriate. But at other times, when it was, like, a dramatic moment in Mulan or something, they stayed quite €” just like a good audience should.
Kenny Farino: Oh yeah!
CineMax: So yeah, I was wondering whether he was just lucky, of this is like a common experience at midnight screenings.
LaughingMan: Maybe British people are more polite than American audiences? (Laughs).
KennyFarino: Yeah. Yeah.
CineMax: They’re all Sirs. Sitting there with tea and monocles.
Kenny Farino: (In pseudo-British accent) I say, George! This is a [!] excellent movie! Quite.
LaughingMan: (Same accent) I say, I’m very cross with you right now!
Kenny Farino: (Ditto) I say, Betty, why don’t you give me a blowjob during the movie? (In girly voice) I say!
LaughingMan: No. We’re getting way off-topic here, so let’s get back on.
STAR: Go Kenny!
Kenny Farino: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STAR: So, next question, then. What do you guys think of the quote-unquote ‘bullshit gimmicks’ that are coming to theaters? You know, of course there’s the 3D; I’ve mentioned in my podcast the D-Box Experience, where the chairs are moving around. Uh! I’m trying to think of what other things they’ve done in the past. But overall, what do you guys think of that? Is it enhancing film? Is it dehancing (not a real word) film?
LaughingMan: *Laughs sarcastically*
Shameless Ripoff Of Loving Tribute To Yahtzee’s Zero Punctuation
Fifteen minutes into Inception and you get a game over screen thanks to the audience voting for the wrong option. You blame everyone for hitting the red button, even though you hit it yourself.
You leave the theater and go back in, spend another $10 for a ticket and $9 on a small Coca Cola and give it another go. You press the blue button this time, but now there’s a new audience who outvotes you and you die once again at the fifteen minute mark.
You leave the theater, spend another $10 for a ticket and, because your $9 Coca Cola was mostly water, you’re forced to pay $2 in quarters to unlock the theater’s new pay-urinal, the next logical place for theaters to screw over their customers and make the moving going experience even more unbearable. After hunting for eight quarters by checking pay phones, begging from strangers and picking spare change off of the bathroom floor, all while dancing around like a Special Olympics floor routine gymnast, you find relief. The next man who enters the restroom pisses in the trash bin, while you’re trying to find another spare quarter to use the theater’s new coin-operated sink. You return to the lobby to pay another $10 for stale popcorn that looks like it was marinated in the yellow substance you found a few quarters in, and return once again to play your game movie, swearing to god that if any assholes hit the red button ever again you’ll go on a homicidal rampage with a weedwhacker wearing nothing but white gloves and a tinfoil hat.
At the 15 minute mark you stand up in your chair and threaten to disembowel anybody who dares even think of the red button. The audience doesn’t take you seriously. You curb stomp a 16 year old cock sucker who’s been talking on his smart phone during the course of the movie up to this point. The audience quickly presses ‘blue’.
At the 30 minute mark you were supposed to hit the red button instead of the blue button.
You go across the street to the Home
epot to purchase Reynolds wrap and a Stihl weed eater.
Yup, BRILLIANT IDEA.